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Am I Normal???

wanted_a_simple_life
Community Member

It's been over a year now Ive been seperated and Im still mourning the loss of my wife and family.

After finding out she has cheated on me during my marriage and getting engaged straight after we seperated (less than 2 weeks) has been heartbreaking. She has subsequently broken up with the guy and hooked up with someone else seven weeks after that. In all this my kids had 3 father figures in less than 12 months and have been directed to lie and hide information to her parents and family.

I have been told by her dad im the perpretrator and she is the victim of the situation, which really hurts.

My family was my world and now they live an hour away, I feel lost and directionless. I still wake up and find they are not there, the pain kills me and I can physically feel the weight of it each day, where she has just left all this behind and got on with her life.

The laws seem to favour her so much and even though she has done everything to break us up, I still have to fight to see my kids.

Now I have to give up my entire life to move closer to them or I will miss out on my kids growing up. Im so sad about everything right now. Even her family (except her parents and a sibling) can see she has made a huge mistake and me and my kids will pay for it.

There are no winners in this other than her as she plays the victim card, but has done all this stuff during the marriage.

I feel so ripped off.....

25 Replies 25

loouuiiee
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

You say that your ex's new partner is just like her. That sounds like it could be quite a toxic relationship.  it doesn't sound promising.

Remember that what parents do sets an example for their children. Both parents set an example and regardless of what happens with your ex please remember that at the end of the day it is crucial that you are setting a good example for your children.

let the feeling of thinking you are doing something that they can be proud of fuel you.

You want them to grow up & remember how you handled the situation the best that you could and for them to be proud of you.

Keep in contact with them as much as you can.

You can use smart phones & IPads connected to WiFi to FaceTime them once a day, or a few nights a week. Give them a phone call when possible.

Try and keep your children's opportunities for contact up with other family members on your side of the family. For example; Uncles, Aunties, Cousins & Grandparents. 

I really struggle being away from my kids, this morning I woke up and imagined if they ran into my room and gave me a hug. I feel so robbed and they were my life, my everything....I feel a massive part of me is missing and dont think I will ever be the same again....

Hi there.  Wanted_A_Simple_Life.  I really feel sorry that you are not coping well without your kids.  They are probably missing their dad too.  Is there any way you could contact them just to say hi and how much you love them.  I take it they're school age.  Perhaps you could pop along to the school and at least see them.  Get in touch with someone from your ex's family to ask how they're doing.  If you're really concerned maybe talk to someone from family services, explain the situation (without getting emotional, a HUGE ask), ask if someone could perhaps at least visit the home to make sure they're okay.  I wouldn't ring family services, go in person.  Try talking to someone older, they seem to employ young people who don't have the understanding required.  Maybe see if you could have a supervised visit.  I know you want to see them unsupervised, but if you're prepared to 'play the game' for now, things may change in the future.  Do you have a good lawyer, talk to him/her about how concerned you are about the kids.  Ask through your lawyer about seeing them more often.  You are financially responsible for them, therefore you do have rights, but, as I said before, you have to be seen to be 'behaving'.  Don't give up, I do understand, it's almost impossible to keep fighting at times.  As they get older, if they know where you are, they will come to you.  My ex went over 20 years with no contact.  It nearly broke his heart, but they contacted him about 12 years ago.  He hears from them often now.  Admittedly they're in N.Z, he's here in Oz.  You do have the opportunity to get in contact, use it.  Try to ignore her rubbish.  Remember, eventually, the kids will want you permanently.  Let them know you're there.        

Thanks Pipsy, they are doing well, but Ive always been involved with bringing them up. Now I only see them for 50 hours a fortnight. I struggle to see past this season, cause I miss them so much and they were my world. Ive never been a selfish person and find it hard to enjoy things for myself as I got most of my enjoyment from my kids.

I feel so lost and numb and usually am so motivated. I drink a lot now just to cope as I never used to much at all.

I just dont know what to do....

Hi, I'm really sorry you only see them for such short bursts.  I'm also worried about you drinking.  When you're together, what do you do?  Are you able to take them out for ice cream, spend any time with them alone at all.  When you are not with them try thinking about next time you see them, what things they will share about their lives at school.  Talk about things you want to do with them.  Have you thought about applying for weekend visits with them, through your lawyer.  Your ex would have to come up with a pretty sound reason why you can't have them o'night or weekends.  I do understand what you're going through, being the non-custodial parent is heart wrenching.  The more time you spend with them building a solid relationship, the better your chances of eventually being able to keep them longer.   If you do apply for weekend or o'night visits, try not to make their lives with mum and her new partner the reason behind wanting them.  Make this about them and your relationship with them.  They are the important ones in your life. 

Anytime you need to talk to a counsellor, BB have many here.  Please remember we're here for you. 

Thanks Pipsy, I do a lot with them while they are with me and dont drink in front of them.

I do consider to have a solid relationship with them both and have worked hard to maintain it.

I travel two and a half hours(round trip) each week to spend one and a half hours with them.

I then have them every second weekend.

Im thinking about moving closer to them, but give up a great job and lifestyle and even freindships.

Hi there.  I realize it's hard picking them up then handing them back and the time with them seems to fly.  The time you take to travel would eat into the time you see them too.  Moving closer to them would be a great idea, but as you say, you have a great lifestyle with good job and friends.  If you did move closer would you bump into ex and her new man though.  That's another consideration, if you did the temptation to say something nasty would be almost unbearable.  What's great here is that you do see them, get to share mealtimes with them.  Try to concentrate on the good times you have when you're together.  Do you have movies of the times you share.  When you're feeling really down, watch the movies.  Every thing positive you do with them is also building good memories for you and them to look back on.  You do need a job and home so that when you have them, you have somewhere for them. 

Give them something to look forward to.  If you moved closer they could visit more often, but it wouldn't be as exciting for them.  Kids sometimes like to think dad has an exciting life somewhere else that they share.  The tears they shed when they go home are quite normal too.  They just get used to being with dad, then they're home to mum, so their world is a bit topsy-turvy at the moment.  They probably have tears when they go with you too, for the same reason.  It's hard for them to understand why mum and dad are apart.  They're a bit young to comprehend you and mum don't get on.     

Thanks Pipsy, it is hard for them as they were on the frontline of the affair (she slept with the guy in the same room as the girls in the bed next to them) and she declared her love for him to them before we seperated.

I get so upset to think what they have emotionally been subjected too!

My heart breaks for them, they are too young for all this crap!

Hi W.S.L.  Can I ask if you told your lawyer this?  That's abuse having young children subjected to that.  If you can prove that, family services should be informed.  I would tell your lawyer what you've just posted here, ask if there's some way of removing them from that.  They will need counselling to help them understand they are not responsible for anything that happened.  But if what you say is true, family services definitely need to know.  If they know and they are watching her, that will continue for an indefinite period, but if you feel your kids are at risk from any sort of abuse, tell your lawyer, get him to act.  Maybe get your lawyer to contact family services himself.  They  may listen closer to a lawyer than a father who they might think is not being totally honest.  I know you are, but family services can be a bit mulish when fathers complain about possible abuse.  From their point of view they hear so much, they need to be sure.  If mother is still sleeping with this guy in the same room, no way is this right.  I wouldn't say anything to anyone else, not even a close friend, see your lawyer, get him to contact F.S.  That's also not saying they will come to you, but if they're removed from her, at least that's better for them.  It's possible (don't count on it), she could be charged with contributing abuse.  

Best of luck, your kids have to be protected.

She would deny it ever happened. Thats what Im facing is lies, deciet and fakeness. What a great example for my kids.....