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Am I Normal???

wanted_a_simple_life
Community Member

It's been over a year now Ive been seperated and Im still mourning the loss of my wife and family.

After finding out she has cheated on me during my marriage and getting engaged straight after we seperated (less than 2 weeks) has been heartbreaking. She has subsequently broken up with the guy and hooked up with someone else seven weeks after that. In all this my kids had 3 father figures in less than 12 months and have been directed to lie and hide information to her parents and family.

I have been told by her dad im the perpretrator and she is the victim of the situation, which really hurts.

My family was my world and now they live an hour away, I feel lost and directionless. I still wake up and find they are not there, the pain kills me and I can physically feel the weight of it each day, where she has just left all this behind and got on with her life.

The laws seem to favour her so much and even though she has done everything to break us up, I still have to fight to see my kids.

Now I have to give up my entire life to move closer to them or I will miss out on my kids growing up. Im so sad about everything right now. Even her family (except her parents and a sibling) can see she has made a huge mistake and me and my kids will pay for it.

There are no winners in this other than her as she plays the victim card, but has done all this stuff during the marriage.

I feel so ripped off.....

25 Replies 25

Dear W.S.L.  I'm sorry if I upset you by asking if F.S were aware of her sleeping arrangements.  Family Services have been known to 'spot check' if they suspect children are at risk.  Yes, mothers do lie when it comes to keeping their kids.  Sometimes you just have to persevere.  Maybe you could arrange for a psychologist to see the kids while they're with you.  Once the kids feel safe with someone else, they may open and tell more about what's going on.  I would definitely tell your lawyer if you suspect any sort of inappropriate behaviour.  You're paying him to work for you, tell him to at least check on the kids welfare.  Maybe a school counsellor might be able to talk to them.  Do they act as though there's something at home they feel uncomfortable with.  What's their general opinion of mum's bf?  When there's inappropriate behaviour at home, kids often 'act up' at school.  Fighting, disruptive behaviour in class.  There's 100's of ways where kids ask for help without actually saying 'Help'.  Start taking notice of inappropriate behaviour while they're with you.  If you're not sure ring kids helpline.  Get some guidelines on behaviour patterns. 

Again - my sincere apologies for upsetting you. 

It's ok Pipsy, Im not upset by your comments.

The kids are doing pretty good considering, it's just me thats not coping without them.

All her extended family and our friends have said she is silly for whats she has done and cant understand why.

Her story never added up from day dot and she lied to her family, friends and marriage counsellor.

I gave her so much, but nothing was ever good enough....

Hi W.S.L.  It's a positive that the kids are doing well.  However, I am concerned about what you said about their present living arrangements with mum.  I would maybe ask your lawyer to get her living arrangements checked, as I said, if F.S do have reason to suspect something, they will spot check.  What they do is contact the mother to see if they can visit her?  They wait for her to contact them back.  I think she gets something like 7 days, give or take.  If she fails to respond, they then follow up by visiting.  If they think there is sufficient reason to investigate further, that's when she has to show just cause why there is no problem.  If they see evidence of anything inappropriate, she will be advised of any further action.  A lady I knew was investigated when her nephew 'blew the whistle'.  Her kids were placed on a 'protection order' and she was ordered to remove her de facto because of inappropriate behaviour on his part.  He was arrested for substance abuse and contributing.  I know this because she was a neighbour.  She had 4 kids, the youngest was 5 or 6.  The eldest was 13.  The nephew was living there ordered by F.S because the mother was not looking after the kids properly.  Their father was interstate and knew nothing.  Eventually, the eldest daughter was sent to him when F.S ordered it.  There were no g'parents to 'step in' so the father was granted interim custody.  Had there have been g'parents, possibly the kids might have gone to them.            

And the most stupid thing is I would probably take her back cause thier is still a lot of good things about her...I feel so silly saying that.....

Hey W.S.L  Don't feel silly because you still have feelings for her.  You were married, had kids, obviously you're going to remember good times with her.  Just because it went 'pear shaped' doesn't mean you forget the good times.  Unfortunately, it means the good times make you resent what's happened.  If everything had been bad, you wouldn't have stayed with her as long.  Your ex wife has a problem, it's not really her fault, it's just that she doesn't recognize she has the problem, that's the hard part.  Part of the problem is, her inability to realise she can't 'give' or commit fully to anything.  If she could commit fully, she possibly would stop chasing dreams.  That's actually what she's doing.  Everyone dreams of 'greener grass', some chase looking for it, others are content with fantasizing.  Unfortunately, your ex can't differentiate between dreams and reality.  So she doesn't just dream, she follows the dream.  When she connects to what she thinks the dream should be, she gets in so deep, she's unable to back out for fear of losing face.  The lies she tells are partly to convince herself and partly to convince others that she knows what she's doing.  While she's chasing the dream, she feels she's totally in control of her life.  Unfortunately, while she's like this, she is also unable to give fully to any relationship.  She's been engaged quite a few times, she's in a relationship at the moment, which won't last, because her new partner is similar in nature where he also is a dreamer.  Also while she's like this, there's nothing you can do for her.  The more you try to steer her back on course, the more she'll resist, because she needs to be in control of her dream.  You represent the reality she can't deal with.  For the kids sake and for their stability, you need to be there. 

Hope this has given you a bit of help.

Thanks Pipsy, that did help. I noticed she did change a lot after she achieved a big sporting honour. She got a bigger ego and then hung around people of that scene more and more instead of our normal long time friends.

Her dad noticed it back then and said something, but thats all denied now....

 Many of those friends noticed that and started grieving the loss of the friendship...