Am I being dramatic

[Guest_97885543]

Been with partner for over 20 yrs. Should have seen it from the start when he was jealous. I had some guy friends and he hated them, he wanted to hang out with my girlfriends and I when we were having "girl time" because he said we should be able to do what we do in front of him. 

We ended up moving away and he was still jealous..if I want to go for coffee its fine but if its like lunch/dinner, a bbq/party etc he will get all sooky and we end up fighting. Been happening our whole relationship. 

A couple of yrs ago our teenage daughter had some online stuff that broke us. Now he is really controlling with her. Not allowed to have a boyfriend, gets angry if she wants to hang out with her friend as he's worried she's doing the wrong thing. 

I have mentioned the way he is is wrong but he turns it around on me. Says I don't show him affection. I think I hold alot of resentment towards him for the way he is. I grew up with a abusive step father who didn't let me do anything. I also had an abusive first boyfriend who isolated me from everyone.

My partner is not physically abusive but I feel like he is controlling. There are so many other things I could talk about but it would go on forever. He puts it all back on me. Says he loves us more than anything and doesn't want to see us hurt etc and then tries to make out like I don't love him as much as he loves me. He chooses not to have friends. He has acquaintances. He has really bad social anxiety as well so we don't do alot. 

I just want to know I'm not crazy. This is not right right? My 16yr old and 11 yr old can see his behaviour is not right. 

I don't know what to do.

[therising]

The warmest of welcomes to you as you struggle to cope with what you can no longer tolerate and understandably so. With you expressing a history of a lack of freedom to choose who you naturally wish to be and how you naturally wish to live, it sounds like you've been fighting to be yourself for the longest time.

I think when a person's imagination, inner dialogue and emotions are out of control (just to name a few factors) it can become a major issue. When they imagine the worst, when inner dialogue dictates the worst and when emotions are felt through the imagination, through inner dialogue, through certain belief systems, the nervous system, the cardiovascular system and a whole stack of other factors, life can feel like hell for them. One way to manage is to make sure they feel or sense what they want to be feeling or sensing. Their way of thinking can become 'If I can sense there's nothing to worry about, I gain a sense of what 'peace' and 'relief' feel like. I love feeling peace and relief'. With a history of anxiety, it sounds like your partner may be more of controlling stresser than a controlling self serving narcissist.

Can you think of any reasons as to why your partner feels things so intensely? Perhaps there are some obvious possibilities, such as the possibility one of his parents may have like this and kinda taught him everything he knows (helping develop the stresser in him). Or maybe it's possible that he's learned that if he doesn't manage everything and everyone, he can't manage when things get out of his control (which can actually be a trait of depression in some cases). Does he lack the skills and ability to cope with major challenge if things go wrong? A little more outside the square could involve a diagnosis of high functioning autism, where emotional challenge and social anxiety are not so unusual.

Took me a hell of a long time to make sense of so much in my own relationship, with my husband of 22 years. Took me close to 2 decades to finally realise what some of the resentment was about and what some of the obvious disconnection was about (why I'd emotionally switch off at times). With some of that resentment, it involved the fact that I'd changed dramatically in some ways in order to accommodate his nature, yet he often (not always) resisted change because it was too mentally and emotionally challenging. With the disconnection, that more so involved me feeling what was depressing within the relationship or not feeling it. If I switched off, I couldn't entirely feel those elements and there was a sense of emotional freedom in that. Now confidently being a self proclaimed feeler or sensitive, I'm more inclined to freely express what I'm feeling or sensing in the relationship, as being a matter of fact. For example, 'I can feel you being depressing' or 'I can sense you disappointing your self from the role of 'He who is prepared to open his mind'. I will not make your disappointment my problem'. 'He/she who is prepared to evolve through the challenges a relationship can present' is an appointment well worth accepting at times. I've found when such evolution is largely one sided, there is definitely a tendency to gradually separate from our partner who is on their path of little to no change. Btw, I smile when I say that when my husband responds with something along the lines of 'I'm not being depressing', I'm inclined to say 'Just telling you what I sense and I have come to trust my feelings, not doubt them like I used to while asking 'What's wrong with me?''.😊❤️