Am I a bad friend??

[JustAnYtka]

I'm just needing a bit of advice as to what to do with this.

I have been very close friends with this person for around 3 years now.

A few weeks ago, it was their birthday, and a few days later was their party. I woke up the morning of their party with a migraine aura (my warning sign that I'm about to get one), body aches and a sore throat. I took some medicine and had plenty of water and rest, but about an hour later it was getting worse. I was so upset, I was crying and telling my mum that I still want to go, and she told me that realistically, I wouldn't last very long. I took a covid test, negative, but I genuinely was not well. I was too sick and upset to message them, so I got my mum to calls theirs. 

Then I don't hear anything from them for two weeks. 

At the moment I'm really struggling with my mental health, my dog just passed away, and I'm also very socially isolated due to me being homeschooled. They know all of this, they also know that they are my only friend. I messaged them a few times over the two weeks, no reply. Then yesterday I asked if they were upset with me, and it turns out that they felt very disrespected because I didn't contact them directly on the day of their party. 

They seem really pissed off, and I felt really bad initially, but I literally couldn't open my eyes unless I was in a pitch black room because of the migraine, they knew this. Then they ignored me whilst I was talking about how lonely I am, and how much I need to spend some time with them.

Am I in the wrong? I am genuinely really annoyed with them and I'm wondering if this friendship is worth continuing. This has absolutely destroyed me and I've been crying pretty much constantly since they told me.

[sbella02]

Hey, thanks so much for reaching out. I'm sorry to hear what you've been through. 

While it may have ordinarily been the right thing to do to let your friend know directly, you weren't able to text them yourself, nor were you in a great headspace. I've had a migraine aura and they're awful, my brain was scrambled, I was dizzy, and I couldn't see a metre in front of me. I was trying to text my partner that day but I couldn't see my phone, half of my vision was just gone. So you're well within your rights to ask somebody else to let your friend know on your behalf. It's unfair that this friend is punishing you for doing this.

I heard something the other day that I think you may resonate with in this situation - feelings are always valid, but behaviour is not always valid. Your friend may have felt upset that you didn't text them directly, but ignoring you and disregarding your feelings and your illness is just unfair. That's not behaviour that I'd expect from an understanding friend. 

I've been in a position where I've been very socially isolated, and the friends that I had at the time weren't good to me, but I was in school at the time and was far more scared to be alone than to face the consequences of being mistreated by bad friends. From what you've said, it sounds like you're re-evaluating this friendship entirely, which seems justified. At the end of the day, if you choose to end this friendship, it may save you a lot more pain than staying in it, but you're in a better position than me to judge what this will mean for you either way. Talk it through with loved ones who you trust, they may have some great insight as well, as they know you well.

Have you explored places like Discord for some online companionship? Provided they're maintained safely and cautiously, online friends can be great for mitigating loneliness, and it sounds like you may find value in connecting with people who have similar interests and experiences to yourself. 

I hope this helps, and we're always here to offer more words of support on the forums if you're in need.

Take care, SB