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Alone and confused

Dimitra
Community Member
I love my husband (like a father figure) and have two little kids with him. Life has been financially comfortable but very lonely.
I met someone else who feels more suited to who I am today and has similar mindset, goals and issues.
I told my husband about this attraction and we both felt I needed to move out.That was 5 months ago.
Im still in limbo - scared to move forward and scared to 'stay'.

Has anyone ever experienced this?
1 Reply 1

Quercus
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi Dimitra and welcome,

It feels like I've written and deleted so many replies. None feel right. But I figure maybe others are having the same problem and that's why you've waited so long for a reply. Waiting is awful so I wanted to tell you people are reading and we do care.

I haven't been in your situation so really I've no idea how you must feel.

But one thing that stood out to me was the choice of words you used to describe the benefits of your marriage. You love your husband like a father and feel financially comfortable. It's great that there is love in your marriage and I have so much respect for the fact you told your husband about your attraction rather than acting. But is love for a father figure and a comfortable life enough for you to be happy?

I ask because for some people they would say yes. That thrill of first attraction and passion and all the excitement of a new lover fades after time. Kids change the dynamics of a relationship too. Perhaps this could be a chance for you both to realise you need to reconnect? Do you feel like if you and your husband worked on reconnecting you could feel attraction and passion towards him again?

On the other hand feeling like your partner is a father figure doesn't sound too healthy long term. Is it possible to work together to change this? Have you always felt this way or has it changed? My husband sometimes falls into the pattern of acting like a father. I don't like it and tell him so. I don't want him to be my father, I want him to be my equal. I know for me if I started feeling parented long term this would be a huge problem for me. So we work on it.

Did you seek any marriage counseling? Relationships Australia is a good place to try. The fact that it has been five months and you're still at home made me wonder if you want to make your marriage work rather than leave? Did your husband show any willingness to try improve your marriage or was it more a defensive "if you want him instead then leave" sort of reaction.

Sorry I have so many questions! I hope you feel able to keep writing. I'd like to hear how you're coping.

Nat