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Lonely and alone

Jilted
Community Member
It’s been a year since I’ve posted. I’ve left my marriage, amicably as it turns out - husband wasn’t happy with me either. I’ve moved to where my friends are but am very lonely. It’s a beautiful day outside and I’ve spent it in my room. I share a house now with other renters and only have a few of my own possessions. My affair continues but he now wants to have some time to think. My job is coming to an end. I don’t know what to do from here. Some days a have no willingness to move. And feel so guilty if I waste a day pining.
How do people get through similar situations? I’m contemplating going back to husband but know that the cycle will repeat. I don’t want him to be unhappy just so I am not alone.
Seems an impossible situation.
Your thoughts?
5 Replies 5

GoodWitch
Community Member

Hi Jilted,

have you received any counselling since your marriage ended? Or seen your GP about how it's now affecting your mood? It sounds like you are experiencing some depression, which is understandable. You've made a huge life change, and there are bound to be days where you wonder how you got where you are, and also wonder if you made the right choice.

I don't know what your marriage situation was exactly, but you say your husband also wasn't happy so it doesn't sound like it was functioning well. You felt strongly enough about that to leave. Would going back, even if you could, really solve your current loneliness? Or would it just be a new type of loneliness?

I'm going through the process of trying to separate now from someone who is resisting it, and as awful as this part of my life is, I know I could never go back to pretending all was ok in my marriage, and slowly dying from the loneliness. Forward is the only way to go, I think. Perhaps you can start to see your situation as the start of something new, something YOU create for yourself, regardless of if this new man is part of it. What do you like doing? If you can't think of anything right now, what did you used to like doing? Perhaps you can retake up an old abandoned hobby or passion. Maybe there is a local group for recently divorced women you can find. What about sport? could you join a team, or make a goal like running in a local 5km fun run? Volunteer to work with the elderly?

None of these things might appeal to you, but perhaps they can get you thinking. You have a chance to make a fresh start, but right now you seem stuck in the regrets of your lost relationship and the uncertainty of the new one. Maybe it's time to focus on who you are alone, without a partner. Make some new friends, or most importantly make friends with yourself.

Just some thoughts,

Best

GW

Jilted
Community Member

Thank you GoodWitch

Re-reading your post has helped even now, 2 months since your post.

the situation hasn’t changed and it’s still difficult to know weather or not we should try to reconcile. I think counseling is the only way to help us both.

quirkywords
Community Champion
Community Champion

Jilted,

Thanks so much for the update.

If you both agree to seeing a counsellor and are open and honest it will at least give you a chance to communicate with each other.

Has your husband mentioned he would like to reconcile.

Quirky

Hello Quirky

No, he hasnt asked to reconcile - not in so many words - but alluded to working on things if I was interested.
At no time has he asked me to come back, and only at the beginning of the separation has he said he missed me. I am the same. However, we are both lonely. But I don’t think that’s enough for a reconciliation. He’s a good man - we get on well mostly - better as friends maybe.
I’m so confused. If we hated each other it would be easier.
individual counseling has said we don’t have a relationship.
my fear is that if I went back, nothing would change, my feelings toward him won’t change, and We separate again.

Jilted
Community Member
Update.
i have separated from my husband of 12 years, by mutual agreement. I?m really struggling and am very lonely. And have been trying to talk to my husband but he is controlling our communication (by not taking my calls or asking to only speak once a week).
I have found out he is talking to friends about us, which is ok - he needs support too. However, One of his female friends is saying things to him that make me sound like the one that left, and that I shouldn?t be messaging so much. This makes me very upset and angry - who is she to interfere? It?s not giving my husband and I a chance to talk about reconciliation or work on how we could save our marriage.
Am I just being paranoid or should I talk to him about it. We agreed to talk in six months time about our relationship. But it seems he would rather talk to his friends than try to repair things with me.