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Advice needed

Community Member
Hi. Please don't judge I just need some advice if anyone can help. About 6 years ago I had an intense what I think was an emotional affair. Both of us were married. It lasted about a year. The First few months was friendly but it was obvious that after a while we had both developed feelings. I let it go on for a few more months until I realised it was wrong and I stopped it. It was hard and hurt the both of us. I bumped into him occasionally and he told me he missed me and couldn't stop Thinking about me. I was the same but told him it was nothing and never could be. It was so hard I even I quit my job and moved away put all my time into my husband and kids and tried to re find our spark again. I did Tel my husband and we worked through it all we both put so much work into our marriage and I thought we were good again. I haven't stopped thinking of this other man at all the whole time. I put it to the back of my mind done everything even talked about it in counselling but nothing can make him leave my mind. Then i found out my husband was cheating with a work friend and he blamed it on my emotional affair. I was willing to forgive and work it out but he left for the other woman and has been with her since. Roughly 3 years now. I have had no contact with the other man since I moved not even look at his social media pages then last week out of the blue he messaged me on social media and said he hasn't stopped thinking of me the whole time and wants to be with me. I haven't replied to his message at all. I'm not sure if hes still married or not and I don't think he knows I'm not as my now ex husband doesn't have social media and you can't tell anything by my page. My problem is I want to write back maybe we fell in love maybe it wasn't just an emotional affair as so much time how could feelings still be there? But I do not want to accept or write or do anything incase he is still married and also I feel I may hurt my ex if I ended up with this man because he knew who he was. I don't know what it was with him now as I had read all about emotional affairs and told myself that's what it was but I've done all they recommend to forget him and move forward I can't and it seems he can't either. But I do not want to be the reason for an ended marriage I already feel guilt that he still feels this way and i may already be a reason for a marriage ending I feel the guilt for my own marriage ending I feel I was such a selfish person and should stay alone
2 Replies 2

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member


3 years is along time. Maybe just catch up on the phone and in the general hows life been conversation mention that you broke up with your husband 3 years ago and ask him how his marriage is going. If he's still married then its a personal decision with 3 people involved, if not then sometimes things are just ment to be in life. My Grandad married his 3rd wife in his 80s. She was his first love at 17 but he was Catholic and she was Protestant so in those days in England they could not be together but life found a way many many years later

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi JS, welcome

I would message that guy. I wouldnt tell him about your marriage breakup as that might send him a green light.

Ask him directly about his marriage like this...

Hi Bill, how are you going. What'snew with your life? Has things changed at all at home?.

If he avoids the question dont progress with any of your own developments. Ask him again...

" hey Bill, you arent telling me much about your home life. Whats happening."?

If he is still with his wife, back off and move on. If he wasnt happy he'd have moved on by now.

Tony WK