Adoption is a curse

[splodge]

I have always been depressed.  I think of myself as a normal person but then I get a sickening jolt and realise that I am not.  I blame this on being adopted.  I was adopted as a baby in 1971 in London.  Times were harsh I think for young women in that period.  The sexual liberation of the 60s had come in but contraception was newfangled and abortion still illegal.  It was also unacceptable for women to have children outside of wedlock.  The result was a boom in illegitimate babies.  Nowadays the norm is for open adoptions.   This means that although the adoptive parents are the legal parents of the baby, that baby has full rights to know about it's biological parents.    When I was adopted things were a lot more restricted and biological mothers and babies were estranged from each other.   This seems completely twisted today but that was the reality.  Not only that but the adoptive parents were never educated in any way to provide the support that an adopted child should have.    The result for me was that I have had a really unhappy life.  That is despite having prosperous, well educated and conscientious adoptive parents.  Despite that seemingly advantageous beginning my life has always been wrong somehow.  I have always been emotionally disturbed from a young age.  I was obsessed as a child with "dreaming" .  This dominated my young life and involved galloping up and down the room and living in a fantasy world.  I also used to make little "spots"  with cushions - places I tried to feel calm and safe.  I was angry and destructive as a child and would throw away my birthday and Christmas presents.  I loathed my birthdays.  I tore up and threw away any photos with me in them.  

Adolescence was absolute hell.  I had functioned well socially until then but then I realised something was wrong.  I was unable to form relationships.  My friends developed normally.  They progressed into adulthood to sex, girlfriends, wives, careers and so on.  I have never progressed past this point.  I forced myself in my mid 20s to form relationships but it didn't work out well.  I backed off in my late 20s to my lasting regret.  I have now lived without any sex, love or intimacy for over 15 years.  I have a postgraduate degree but unlike all my friends who have professional middle class jobs I have always lived on the margins.   Now in middle age I realise that I am a really sick person.

[chociloni]

I think what the initial posters mean is that ofcourse adoption in theory isnt a curse, but many people who have been adopted feel as they're cursed. Adopted kids dont get emotionally nourished and their needs met as children, being adopted as new born babies still affects the psyche of the baby. Traditional therapies don't address these issues, and the thought to just say you'd have a better life with your new parents / family isnt enough.

[pipsy]

Hi chociloni.  I'm afraid I have to disagree with your theory that adopted children don't get the 'nourishment' from their adoptive parents.  In most cases the parents do their best to give the child all the love and nourishment they can.  The problem, I feel, stems from the fact that the child often has the feeling of 'abandonment'.  A lot of adoptive parents are advised to 'tell' the child as soon as they're considered old enough to 'handle the truth'.  Children mature at all ages from say 12 upwards, with a girl, it's quite often earlier.  Then the parents are faced with the question how to tell the child, what to tell them.  It's a terrible dilemma to be in, both from the child's perspective and from the parents.  Some children take the news philosophically, some are devastated, feeling they weren't loved, or wanted.  When the child reacts negatively, the parent has the added responsibility of feeling perhaps the child might have been better left in the dark.  Until you tell the child, you have no idea how they're going to react.  While the adoptive parent has done their best to show the 'chosen' child they are loved, wanted etc.  The child immediately feels a sense of betrayal.  They can't or won't tell the parents for fear of hurting their feelings.  It's harder when the biological parent reappears wanting to re-establish contact.  Then the adoptive parents go through the agony of 'are they going to lose the child they've raised and nurtured'.  When adopted children have no idea about their history with inherited problems, it makes them very dubious about forming relationships because they don't know what they have that they could pass on to children of their own.  This has nothing to do with whether they're loved or wanted, this is purely 'who am I, where do I come from'?     

[chociloni]

Thats exactly right Pipsy, its not a case of whether the children are loved and wanted, Im sure in most cases they 100% are. You're right in when you say it's the 'who am I, where do I come from'?  We more focus on this in therapy, not just to be reassured that we have good parents and a nice house. I was not adopted or 'traditionally' abused, but I suffered many weird emotional abusive situations and neglect as a small child in my formative years which lead me to have no emotional foundation as an adult to bounce off. My rich upbringing was shrugged off as me having it good and shoved into many years of therapy and was always told I'd had it good, and as I'd never suffered any sexual or physical abuse but still had major anxiety and depression then somehow I had a stamp on my head and was just weird. As I'm older I've learned to understand that my upbringing was not right. Parents need to be taught proper parenting and I've met many adopted people and I have connected with them, and I feel there's a major link with neglected needs being met with small children and their caregivers and it for being a major cause of anxiety and depression. 

[pipsy]

Hi there.  Further to your saying parents need to be taught proper parenting.  It's not just 'adoptive' parents who need guidance (all parents need guidance).  Unfortunately baby's are not born with 'how to' stamped on them.  Pre-natal classes teach breathing techniques during labour, after the birth, the mother is given a 'crash course' on changing nappies, bathing, feeding, 'burping'.  There are no books about endless crying nights disturbing the whole house.  Babies cry seemingly for no reason, mum has to learn fast how to tell between 'I'm hungry', 'I want changing', I want to be picked up'.  As the child grows, mum has to contend with 'paddies' because toddler can't get his/her own way.  These days disciplining is governed by people who say, 'don't slap', 'don't tell off'.  It doesn't matter whether child is adopted or not, children need stability and parents need to learn how to be parents.  I wasn't wanted, my parents cared zilch for my health and welfare.  I was abused physically and sexually, whether adoption might have been better, I've no idea, but either way, my childhood is better forgotten.  You can't blame adoptive parents anymore than you can blame biological parents who keep their children.  Some adoptive parents are 1000% better, some are worse.  It's what they feel for the child that counts, how they treat the child.  Some children are unlovable too.  My workmate has a daughter who comes into that category.  he's had so much trouble with her (she's 19), he's just about ready to throw her out.  She's his biological child.  Fabulous upbringing, parents wanted her, they love her unconditionally.      

[chociloni]

Whoa there Pipsy, have a look at what you're saying. 'Some children are unloveable,' that is false. Every child is loveable. Children are not just little things that are born and parents raise them in apparent 'correct way' and if they dont turn out right then 'thats it.' Each child is an individual and should be loved accordingly. I'm not saying parents need to be taught parenting like its a set of rules. I think there's a bit of a generational gap going on here. 

[pipsy]

I don't go along with your idea of 'generation gap'.  All I said was parents do need to know when and how to discipline children.  Stability does mean discipline.  My work colleague doesn't 'hate' his daughter, but he is disappointed in her with her general behaviour.  He gave her everything he could and she's still 'kicked him in the teeth'.  He's been to court on her behalf so many times he's lost count.   Even he said, she's becoming 'hateful'.  He doesn't 'hate' her as such, just said, her actions are becoming hateful.  I have never met her, I did suggest he try getting her into therapy, she went twice, abused the counsellor, spat at her parents.  How would you handle that situation, when her own parents are at a loss.  They have a son who also gets the rough edge of the stick from her.  They still love her unconditionally, but the 'hate' is because of what she does, not who she is.   Maybe I should have said children need to know boundaries instead of discipline.  If children know that 'no', means 'no', followed up with appropriate punishment (not spanking), I mean no t.v, no computer games.  The respect would return.  How can children learn respect if they're not taught?  I must admit, a good spanking wouldn't do any harm.  I see mother's every day at their wits end because they don't know how to chastise their children who are pushing the boundaries.  I know, some kids do have behavioural problems, my heart goes out to those mothers with children with problems like that.  But a naughty child needs to learn when their behaviour is unacceptable.   

[chociloni]

I'd say it is a 'generational gap.' And you you please stop putting everything in 'inverted commas.' You're relying to much on catchphrases to explain things, its patronising. 

[pipsy]

chociloni.  I think we better agree to disagree on this issue.  You have your opinions, I have mine.  Neither of us is 100% right, neither 100% wrong.  I'm not trying to be patronizing, just trying in my dumb way to explain certain things.  If I've offended you, I'm sorry.  You haven't upset or offended me.  We'll just go round and round in circles if we carry on.  We were obviously raised differently, I was raised not to interrupt, I was told when I was naughty.  I don't know how you were raised.  Generation gaps as you put it don't exist, there's just different points of view.         

[Sadnan]

Splodge I to was adopted. I was born in 1963 and my mother was sent to a home for unwed mothers till her delivery date where she was taken to the hospital and the minute that I born I was removed and my mother was treated like a leper and ordered to sign me over.        Now although I was incredibly lucky and had two wonderful parents who not only loved me unconditionally but who also spent the time to nurture my emotional needs as well explaining not only the fact that I was adopted but also they whys that went with it. As a teen I struggled with the who am I where am I from and a lot of the emotions that you discussed and when I became a mum I got very angry because no one could of taken my child so why did my mum let this happen to me but then became torn because if she hadn't I would not have had my very loved parents....... Hence a very confusing time.     I was lucky enough to meet my biological mum and we have had many discussions about both our feelings and how it affected both our lives sadly my adoptive parents have both passed and I miss them eternally.........I pray you find some answers to help you sort some of your feelings out remember you are an amazing person who although was dealt a bad hand you have survived and with the right help you will also grow

[soulful42]

Hi Splodge,

Your story rings true for me in a number of aspects. I am a Late Discovering Adopted Person. I was told when I was 43 yrs of age by my adoptive father. Gosh , there is a lot to say. I do feel that certainly in my case adoption kind of pervades everything about me. It doesn't fully define me though. That seems contradictory I know. I hope you feel a bit better in knowing that how you feel and what you are going through is normal in the adoption journey. (Again, 'normal' is just a word and the Adoption journey covers a whole spectrum of feelings and emotions). 🙂