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7 years later and she said she feels nothing.

EmptyDumpty
Community Member

Hi All.

Im new to BB. 38 years old and well on my way to splitting up with my wife. 37 days ago she she said we are done as she no longer feels anything for me. We've discussed it several times and she's convinced there is nothing between us anymore.

It's mostly my fault. I made promises that i delayed in delivering. And it's come to a point where she gave up. Last night she moved out of the room. She said it's better that way. I felt a massive emptiness last night.

I've spent the last 30 days trying to make sense of it all. The first few days trying to rationalise why she wouldn't give us a second chance. Why I'm so determined to change the person i am. I feel I've finally come to terms that she's given up on me and moved on.

I've spent the last 30 days working out. It seems to clear my mind. I've always been overweight. I lost 6 kilos so far. Will likely reach target weight in another 4 weeks. But in between I'm thinking....who am I doing this for? I try to convince myself that its for me. But is it? I don't know. I only know its a goal I need to accomplish. I'm more concerned what next?

Everything feels numb. Last night as she was moving her stuff she cried. She cried because she feels I'm hurting. I said I am but I'll deal with it. Her emotions are messing hard with me. I know she cares for me but she doesn't love me anymore. It's messing with my head.

I told her I thought she had moved on? Its gonna take me a bit longer to do so but I feel eventually I will.

Its the 2nd night I'm sleeping alone. It's gonna get some getting used to. We still share 1 common bond. Our dog. It's the only thing left that connects us. I've acknowledged the fact that we're just very different people.

My 2 best friends have been very supportive but unfortunately ones in Canada and the other is in the UK. I've pictured myself if I would fall off the wagon at some point and reach for my whiskies. Just at the back of my mind there's this other Me saying it's the last thing i wanna be doing.

So i jump in the pool everyday. I do my routine. I do my job as best as i can manage which suprisingly is going fine. We have a rough plan moving forward. We're gonna sort out stuff. We both want the split to be amicable as possible.

I just feel numb at the moment. The shock has passed for the most. Sigh.

4 Replies 4

Neil_1
Community Member
Hi there emptydumpty

Hey, shooting immediately for a positive, well done on the loss of 6kg’s so far – and another 4kg’s to go. So now is the time to start thinking about what your next goal will be, in the activity stakes? For me, I love the gym, so my advice would be to keep going and to try to ramp things up a little, as you continue on.

The fitness that you achieve and the weight loss also, are two things that are real ‘feel good’ factors for one’s inner self. This is a huge thing for when you’re feeling not so flash – if you’re able to exercise and belt out good sessions, at least you can do that and create a positive. It’s also a good way to release frustrations and any anger, if there is some.

My question though, if it was over a month ago that she said you are done as a couple, why did it take till last night for her to move out of the room? Another question along those lines is if she is of this opinion, then why couldn’t she just move out altogether?

To me, this is not a good situation for you, if this is how it is, it must be terribly annoying, confusing, troubling for you. Yes, no wonder it’s messing with your head.

Taking the ultra hard line here, I’d be asking her to move out and for you to keep the dog (that’s if you wish to do so – as if she took that, that’d be another hit to the guts for you as well).

I’m sorry if I’ve sounded harsh, but these things if they drag on are just not good for the mental state, as I believe you’re finding out.

Would love to hear back from you.

Neil

We are on speaking terms. And in ways still good friends. At least I'd like to think so. The passions just lost. I'm half glad shes moved to the back room. Its rather complicated. We both jointly own the place and right now its really convenient for her to get to work from where we live. I don't want to take that away from her. Plus her sister lives with us and she's kinda dependent on her as she's been very ill for a while.

I've told her that eventually ill be the one moving out as the nature of my work involves a bit of travelling so it makes more sense for me to move out and we will work out some sort of finance arrangement.

She keeps the dog. She's far more attached to it and if i took bailey it will devastate her.

The next hurdle will be to let our parents know which in itself will be another headache. They are very old fashioned. And knowing her parents my in laws will speak to me a lot about it. And i don't want to speak ill of her. Like the only thing i cant get is a 2nd chance. I neglected her needs. Yes. I did not cheat on her or anything. Nothing of that sort. But we just drifted. And I'm not sure if our old fashioned folks are gonna understand that. Her parents stuck it through even though they were unhappy. And i feel that has made a huge reason why she wont come back to us anymore. She wont try anything. I made her watch this movie called fireproof a recommendation from a friend. Didn't budge her decision. Professional help...nope.

My hearts crushed up and i feel ive given up trying myself. I just want to stay focused on my work outs and try to concerntrate on work. I've got a social gathering coming up in a fortnight. Mostly good drinking buddies so im looking forward to that.

Im just looking for a soundingboard of sorts as im not quite ready to tell my social circles of what's happened yet. So yeah.

Neil_1
Community Member
Hi there e.d.

Thanx heaps for your latest reply and oh boy, I can relate to the comment about telling the parents (and in-laws). I got married whoa, a long time ago, when I was pretty young (21yo) and 18 months later, I was divorced. We tried to reconcile things, took some time out together, but nothing seemed to work. There was no-one else involved, I think we were just too young and also another major factor was communication – there was none.

But to tell that to the parents, was pretty difficult and for them to accept. The old-fashioned variety, where they stay together through thick and thin, no matter what.

I even tried the Seinfeld line when Jerry’s parent’s asked why he and Elaine weren’t together anymore and Jerry said, “Oh it was a sexual thing” – to which this made both parent’s shut up and feel very awkward. That didn’t work either for me. 🙂 😉 I can smile about it now as it was almost 30 years ago.

It’s very say to read though that there is no 2nd chance being given, NOR is there any remote shot at reconciliation (ie: let’s try to get to a marriage counsellor or Relationships Australia).

Going through this is a tough experience – it’s never easy – the sooner, you’re able to move out, the better – but again, that’s easier said than done. One thing I would try to stress is to NOT in any way, give up on yourself. The best thing you’re doing at the moment is getting to the gym and getting through your workouts – that’s awesome. And amazing at it seems, work (that much despised four letter word) can be very beneficial at times like this. It’s a constant in our lives and if we use that as a diversion, that is a very good thing.

The thing is for the time being, if you’re not feeling up to mentioning this to anyone else, then please please, keep on coming here and writing. This a great and safe place to communicate and to unload and if you want to vent at all, please let fly as well. We’re always here.

Neil

EmptyDumpty
Community Member
I went to watch a movie alone today. While the movie was ok, i think it was a bad idea as it evoked memories. Sigh. Been sick for a couple of days this has messed my workout routine. Feels really shitty. I wish there was a feel good pill i could pop. Not drugs screw that.