4 Year Relationship Breakup

[rachelg12]

I dont even know where to start. My ex and I are both 21. We fell in
love when we were 17. He was my first boyfriend and first love, and I
was his second relationship (he dated a girl for two years in high
school). Since the beggining of our relationship it has been a cycle of
breaking up and getting back together. In the first two years, it was
because of his weed addiction, which i was not ok with. He would quit,
then relapse, break up with me, hate his life, then come crawling back
after about two weeks, and I would always let him because I loved him.
In the most recent two years, weed is no longer in the picture,however
he has been craving a life that he thinks he needs to be happy. He wants
to be single and travel with his friends and even though he hasn’t said
it, I believe he wants to sleep with other girls because he has only
ever slept with me and his ex. He feels like he is too young to be in a
serious relationship and that I am holding him back from what he wants
to do.

He has said this everytime he has broken up with me, which seems to be
every four months. He lives wildly for about two weeks (clubbing every
weekend etc.) then comes crawling back to me when he realizes it doesn’t
actually make him that happy. He has recently started at a new job at
Flight Centre, where the culture there is very party orientated. Since
he has started he seems to be very influenced by his colleagues, who
encourage him to party hard and “live life to the max”. Sure enough, two and a half weeks ago he broke up with me, saying that
his heart wasn’t in it anymore and that I was holding him back. I took
it very well and told him i understood and just wanted him to be happy.
When he left i broke down in tears and I have been absolutely shattered
since.

I kept telling myself its just like every other time, and he will come
back, but its been nearly three weeks and I havent heard a word from
him. I havent tried to contact him because I know he needs space. I miss
him so so much. I found out from a friend of a friend that he joined
tinder the day after we broke up and has been talking to many girls on
there. I found out last night that he went on a date with a girl, and
took her to my favourite spot by the river. I am so devastated. I dont
understand what is going through his head or how he could forget about
me so quickly. I dont understand why he isn’t upset, or why he doesn’t
miss me. Do you think he will still come back this time? I really want
to fix things 🙁

[JessF]

Hello rachelg12, this is a very sad story, and also a very familiar one. From your post, this is not a 4-year relationship. Stable relationships do not result in breakups every 4 months. He has told you numerous times that he doesn't want to be in a relationship, and has demosntrated by his behaviour that he is not capable of being in one. The real question is, why do you keep taking him back? Do you not feel you deserve better than this?

So much of your post is focused on him... "I know he needs space"... space to do what? Sleep with other women? Partying and drinking?

What about your needs?

[rachelg12]

I know all of his behaviour implies that he doesn't want a relationship but when we are together he is so happy and we are best friends. I have been thinking about everything and was thinking maybe he needs to go out and sleep with other people and be free for a while just so he can experience life, then he will be more ready to settle down and commit to our relationship. Is that a stupid thing for me to think?

[JessF]

Hello rachel, I notice you didn't answer my question about your needs, and again your post is totally focused on him. This is concerning. I wonder why you're willing to put up with such poor behaviour for such a long time from this man.

It makes sense that he is "happy" while he is with you... his needs are being met perfectly! Until they aren't, after a few months, at which point he dumps you and moves on. Again, all about him and his needs.

You are looking for reasons to justify his behaviour and make him into the boyfriend/partner that you want. You are trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.

How many more tears are you willing to cry over this man? How many more years are you willing to waste?

I'm sorry to be so harsh but it feels like you are in complete denial over the reality of this situation and it's heartbreaking to read of you being used so blatantly.

[Apollo_Black]

Hi rachelg12

Your brain is trying to rationalise why he's doing what he's doing - this is normal but it's not helping you.

The reality is that he wants to sleep with other woman. This is not uncommon for men and women particlularly at this age. I wouldn't live in hope of him coming back, I'd move on and find someone who wants to be commited. Letting him go and do his thing and waiting for him to come back is an extremely bad idea. Let him go and you go and experience life yourself. Trust me, he only wants to come back becuase he's not getting what he wants elsewhere....stop indulging him

[rachelg12]

I know you are right in everything you are saying, I just feel so lost. I really love him and im just so heartbroken at the moment. I think the thing I am most upset about is that he seems to be fine, while I am here miserable. I know I could find someone who treats me better than this, but every time I think about it its like my brain just says "I dont want anyone else I want him". I guess I just keep hoping that as we get older he will get more mature and realize he can have a happy life while still being with me - is that an unrealistic thing to think? I really appreciate you taking the time to reply

[JessF]

What you are feeling is totally normal, as Apollo has said. Of course you can't immediately move on to someone else, not while these feelings are so strong. They will take a while to subside, especially as you are so invested in this relationship. Think of it like an addiction - you want the drug, but it's not good for you. You need to give yourself the space that you are so willing to give him.

[lizzie50]

Hey Rachel!

I 100% can relate to what you are going through, 2 months ago i got broken up with after 2 years. Same cycle as you breakup then 2 weeks later came back, he is still addicted to weed unfortunately which doesnt help. He always told me he wasn't ready to commit but when we were together he told me it was the best feeling and he was so happy. I pushed for more commitment from him and he didnt like it, we often argued and he got nasty saying many hurtful words but i loved him and knew him like the back of my hand so i knew it would pass and he was just angry. The last time i saw him he told me he loved me for the first time to my face, then accused me of being a liar and cheat (effects of weed, paranoia) he then blocked my number and me off all social media that night and it was done. Im terrified his met someone else, my fear is that his ready to be with someone else but not me. Im an over thinker and i also have the hope he will experience life and grow up and then we will be together. It scares me if it doesn't happen, but what if holding onto it ends in him meeting someone new. I miss him everyday and he also seems to be doing fine, but i know deep down he isn't. Love and commitment scare him.

Focus on yourself for a while and if he comes back ready to be committed then thats amazing, but we both have to prepare for the worst. Ive fallen in a bad way, good days and mostly bad days. Feel free to keep in contact x

[rachelg12]

have you heard from him at at all? It seems like we are definitely going through a similar situation 😞 was it him who ended things or you? I dont know why I still have so much faith in him as a person even though he is showing time and time again he isn't worth it. I guess what I am confused about the most is why he said he wants to be free and single yet he is already talking to another girl and taking her on dates 😞 It doesnt make sense - its only been two weeks and we were very in love

[rachelg12]

do you think he really is as fine as he seems about our breakup? do you think he misses me or thinks about me at all? It makes me feel like he doesnt even care about me, the fact that he hasnt tried to contact me once and is able to go out on a date. Do you think hes just distracting himself?