2nd major relationship failure

[Michacat]

Hi this is my first time on an online forum. I am 45 and 7 weeks ago my partner of 14 years said he didn’t love me anymore and was leaving. There is no other person involved. He has been living in another room for last 6 weeks while he find a rental now he has finally moved all his stuff I’m broken again. I’ve suffered with depression since my twenties had 3 overdoses and two mental health unit visits in my twenties. I have been seeing a psychologist and my gp and I’m an antidepressant. My partner says we are wired differently. He has lost the emotional connection to me because over the years I’ve done and said some things that hurt him. He said he should have left years ago but was too scared about being in his own. I just can’t stop crying have lost 4 kg in weight and see no hope for the future without him. I have negative thoughts of guilt and regret. I seem to be to blame for it that I’m not affectionate enough or supported him emotionally enough. Really struggling to want to live.

[Michacat]

Hi thank you for your reply. I’m seeing my gp and psychologist regularly I was doing ok with the dark thoughts until he finally moved all his stuff and reality sank in.

I am going to try to go to gym this afternoon.

I don’t want another inpatient stay as I find that makes me worse as I’m not in my surrounding with my things and pets and my routine. I need to work as I have an enormous debt to pay off. I find it hard to care for other people when I’m struggling myself it’s exhausting trying to put on a happy facade and help people with worse problems than you when I just want to curl up and turn my brain off from the thoughts and memories.

[quirkywords]

Michacat,

I am so sorry for what has happened. I am pleased you had wonderful caring responses.

I will not repeat anything of what others have said but I can relate a bit to what you have been through.

Your title of your thread struck a chord with me. I have had two long term failed relationship and am now into my 3rd major relationship.

Even though I broke up the 2nd relationship as it was chaotic and causing me emotional pain, I still felt isolated , alone and hopeless. All my friends and family seem to have been married forever and I can go to family event where I am the only divorced woman let alone, with 2 relationships that did not work.

I was a bit older than you in my 50s when I was alone after breakup no 2. I can relate to how you are feeling.

What I did was just take time to look after myself and learn to be alone again for first time in 33years. I met a nice man and we were just good friends as he was not into having a relationship and I found it was great to have a male as a friend and he was good company without all the emotional hassles.

I realise now you are in shock and feeling all sorts of things. People often blame partners for the relationship ending/ My two ex told me and everyone it was because of my bipolar, when I had been stable for a very long time. Of course I eventually realised I felt I did not deserve to be threated well.

You are not alone and we are here to support you.

Take care

Quirky

[Michacat]

Hi Quirky thanks for your response. I think all my plans and dreams have been shattered and I feel there is no future to plan for now. Both these relationships they had come out of a divorce and never wanted to get married again or have children. So I guess I thought that’s what I wanted also. So never been married or had kids I felt it was a social pressure. There is a lot of bipolar in one side of my family and many of the girls started with post natal depression which triggered the bipolar. I was always afraid that would b me also. I found out 3 years ago when having a gynae op that I would not have been able to have kids anyway without ivf. That news sent me into a spiral even though I didn’t want kids well I thought I didn’t. It’s difficult to look forward when the ghosts and memories of the past keep haunting my mind. I’m glad you found a new partner to love you.

Regards Michacat

[White_Rose]

Just a quick comment. I presume you were both contributing to the mortgage and you are now paying it by yourself. I suggest you see a lawyer about getting the ex to acknowledge he is no longer paying his share. It would be a shame if he decided down the track he wanted the house sold and to take half of the profit. Go to the Women's Legal Service in your state. They will give you one or two free sessions with a lawyer. Can't remember if it's one or two. Take your mortgage papers when you go and I suggest changing the locks on the doors.

I know that sounds nasty but I have seen some bad outcomes in situations like this. Keep your home as safe as possible even if you think he would not do anything. Do get legal advice about the mortgage.

It will take time for you to recover and I wish you well but don't let emotion cloud your judgement.

Mary

[Michacat]

Hi Mary I’ve been to a lawyer as I don’t want to sell the house and I can’t get refinance I have no option but to be at his mercy to let me keep his name on the mortgage. When I have enough equity I will be able to refinance and then I can get a division of assets done. He’s been amicable he has the car we owned and I have the one I’m still paying for. A lot of debt 😞