12yr marriage struggles

[gazbuild]

Hi all,

not sure where to start with this as I’ve never asked anyone for help. I have two boys 9 & 6, my wife and I seem to be struggling to connect and find time for each other. It turned into an argument where we described our feelings. She is currently working part time and studying, I work full time and being enough coin that we are comfortable. The reason for this info is she can’t say no to additional days at work and I feel it is coming between us as the daytime activities get pushed into the nights and as such the time disappears. Her response is that i have been working to much. Being self employed this is a hard thing to judge as I just want to provide for my family. 

I know I have anger issues when I’m hungry and have a short temper T these times also. It would seem I keep stepping in it and I feel things are getting worse. Not sure how to better explain this but I feel like I need something as I am more and more feeling, what’s the point, under appreciated, overwhelmed and more and more like I’m just a bad egg. Help

[Juliet_84]

Hi gazbuild,

I think what you and your wife need to do is, instead of come at this from different angles where you are pushing for your way and she is pushing for hers, try and understand the other persons position. It may take some time because we don’t often want to reveal our true feelings because they don’t always “sound good” or we can be worried that our partner will weaponise them to get us to compromise on our position. The issue for you is that you feel she is allowing her work to take over and is not great at saying no. There may be a few reasons for this, a) she might actually enjoy her job and get fulfillment out of it or enjoy her colleagues and the break it gives her from home and the kids or b) she might be unable to say no or feel that it will compromise her position at work if she says no. These are just some examples but it would be helpful to find out what it is, not with an agenda of getting her to cut back but just so that you can understand her a bit more. You also mention you have anger issues and a short temper. This can contribute to a feeling of walking on eggshells and stress that makes her want to avoid the situation, either consciously or subconsciously. I suppose you both need to be more understanding of each other and find ways to compromise. I don’t think she actually wants you to cut back on work, I think she was just making the point of how would you like it if I imposed that restriction on you. Given that money isn’t a barrier, could you consider outsourcing some tasks to a third party such as cleaning etc to enable her to continue working if she wants to and relieve some of the pressure? 

[therising]

Hi gazbuild

The fact that you can both feel the problems at this point in your marriage points to the kind of consciousness or awareness it takes to make a difference. Plenty of marriages out there where one or both partners are oblivious to underlying problems that exist in their marriage. They feel no need to make a difference (one that needs to be made).

Being a gal who's been married for just over 21 years, I've found 'disappointment' plays a major role in the way of problems. The day those marriage vows are uttered, bamm, there are the appointments or appointed roles. You're going to be there for each other in sickness and health, times of poverty and wealth, in good times and bad etc. At the time I spoke my vows aloud, I thought (like most people do) 'No worries, I can do all that. Not a problem'. The thing is you just don't see things creeping in, in subtle ways. Perhaps it's the hours we end up working to keep poverty at bay that impacts the marriage. The sickness may not appear as sickness, like with alcoholism, but it definitely creates dis-ease in the relationship. The good times for one partner may look like relaxing at home in front of the tv in free time outside of work. For the other, this is felt as bad times based on there being no adventure left in the marriage. The disappointment factor? 'I appointed you as the person who was going to adventure with me in life and now I have to disappoint you from filling that role' or I appointed you as the person who was going to help me through the bad times but you're rarely here while you're out there working, keeping poverty at bay. While you impressively fill the role of financial provider, I have to disappoint you from the role of 'He/she who has the free time to help me through bad times''. Marriage is a seriously tough and complex thing, that's for sure. Personally, I had no idea it was going to be this hard.

I think one of the interesting things about marriage is...the longer you experience it and all the challenges that come with it, the more often new feelings start to arise (ones never felt before). So, it can kinda be like 'What the hell is this feeling and why am I feeling it?'. How do you manage a feeling that's altogether new, such as 'overwhelming resentment' or 'depressing heartbreaking disappointment'? Basic levels may be something that's familiar but that's been pretty much it up 'til now. I found once I began to dissect the depression and/or anger I felt in my marriage, I began getting to the bottom of how I really felt. For example, depression may have actually been 'The feeling of a soul destroying level of disappointment' at times, anger may have been 'the feeling of not being heard time after time'. If someone said to me 'There are thousands of precise feelings to be felt in life', I wouldn't be at all surprised. Strange to think we can even revisit some feelings. Some folk may think 'At 50, the last time I felt this way was when I was 16. Oh my gosh, this is the feeling of 'Completely and utterly lost with no sense of direction or guidance''. Feelings are fascinating things.

[HelloGail]

Hello gazbuild

I can hear you love your wife but it sounds like you may be having difficulties adjusting to the new changes, her part-time job and studies. 

Can you step back and look at the big pucture and see your wife in a different light, she is doing both these activities so you and your family can enjoy a good furure.  Now at the moment you are both young and working hard but you do have a future, imagine where you both will be in ten years, kids may be off travelling or studying for their own futures and then old age, like me now aged 63.

In regards to you feeling angry, can you express it in other ways, going for a jog or gardening and not letting it grow, stop feeding it.

My brother had exactly the same problem when my now ex-sister-in-law got a 24 hour job, taking her away for 24 hours, their children were aged 2 and 4. My brother and a full time and physically demanding job. She would go to her job on a Friday at 3pm and finish her job following day at 4pm but then she would do the groceries so she never got home until 5pm. The job my sister-in-law took her away from the home and their marriage suffered, he started to have affairs with other women and sadly, by the eldest was aged 10, they seperated and divorced. It rocked my two neices and my suster-in-law who was only helping to pay off their mortgage. 
Step back - look at the big picture and love your wife. Replace that anger with mercy, it  probably will be hard, it is easy for me to write but it's what I hope. Where there is hatred, let thee sow love. I read that somewhere a long time ago. Life is short but you still have a future and time to forgive her. 
Please stay in the forum as you need a lot of help and support to get you to a better place where you can accept and adjust the changes in your families life and move on, together🫶🏻

Cheers Gail🫶🏻