making family proud

[J_xlx]

i constantly look for my dads approval make my dad proud my test scores are never good enough im not good enough at sports the only time my dad was ever proud of me unconditionally was when i made a state team  

[therising]

Hi J_xlx

I think some people, some parents included, are almost impossible to please. Such people just don't seem to be able to feel a sense of pleasure in the smaller achievements of others, even the day to day ones. Sometimes they only feel some sense of pleasure through what's outstanding. It's then that you gotta question why they don't feel it at other levels. Not our fault that they don't or can't feel it on every level. For you to be able to feel a sense of achievement on a variety of levels points to the fact you're great at getting a feel for a sense of achievement. You definitely don't take after you dad in this area. You have an ability he doesn't have.

While some people are born with an inability to feel on a number of levels (like with certain cases of autism, for example), others are conditioned to not feel so much. So, if your dad's like his dad, you'll know who conditioned him to only feel what's outstanding. Not making excuses for your dad, just offering a possible reason for his behaviour.

Being a mum to a 17yo guy and 20yo gal, I've often said to them something along the lines of 'I will rarely ever say to you that I'm proud of you because I want you to learn to be proud of yourself. This way, no matter what you do and no matter what anyone thinks of you, you can always manage to be proud of yourself. With this skill, you will never feel the need for approval from others'. I should add there are plenty of times where I've told them 'You should be proud of yourself'. There have also been times where I've questioned them as to why they're not proud of themselves when they should be. I teach them to recognise how amazing they are, through their achievements and their struggles.

J_xlx, if you have achieved what you regard as amazing, results that have amazed you or actions or ways of thinking that have amazed you, you are officially amazing. If you are amazed at times by how hard you work, you are amazing. We don't have to be amazing to anyone else to know the truth. What some parents don't realise is...when they make a fuss of their child having 'made the grade' (reaching some level of grading), everything commented on below that level can feel de-grading. It can end up feeling like a depressing system of measurement. You can't be measured when you are simply amazing.

It is an amazing person who sets out on a quest to consciously understand themself and those around them better. You are amazing and that is something to be so proud of.

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear J_xix,

A very warm and caring welcome to our forums…

Most of my life I was always trying to make my parents proud of me, then I married, it was trying to make my husband proud of me….It does leave us with a feeling of not being good enough, (for them)….with their constant criticism…but that’s not true…. please remember dear J_xix, that you, me and everyone is more good enough….It took me over 50 years to finally learn that trying to make these people proud of me, done nothing more then take away my own identity…..because my life wasn’t lived for me, my life was living for them..

It doesn’t matter sometimes how hard we try, how much studying or how high our grades are… some parents or people we will always be not proud of our achievements…

Stay true to yourself and do the best you can for you…no one else but you…you are and always will be good enough…

My kindest thoughts with my care Dear J_xix..

Grandy..

[Juliet_84]

Hi J_xlx,

Although your father more than likely loves you unconditionally, it seems that his approval and happiness with you is conditional. I imagine he wields this as a sort of power and control to get you to do what he wants - ie perform to a very high standard. This no doubt comes from a place of wanting you to succeed and wanting the very best for you, there may also be an element that he sees you as a reflection of him and thus wants to be able to brag about you to his peers. But the downside is that you never feel that you are “enough”, you don’t get enjoyment from of these achievements that you should be very proud about, and you feel an incredible pressure to perform that must be very nerve-wracking. It’s a hard one because the desire to please our parents and gain their approval is a very strong one. But it’s clear this will cause you a lot of stress and resentment and will almost be an impossible and never-ending task. My mother was very much like that but I rationalized that she couldn’t do what she expected me to, so I learnt to discount her opinion and instead focused more on making myself proud, did I perform the way I wanted, did I play fairly, was I disciplined at training etc and just had to tune out the background noise. Your father has his own life and if he cares so much about a state team then he should have joined one. 

[HelloGail]

Hello J_xIx

While reading your message, I just wanted to give you a warm hug 🫶🏻. Parents can be cold and hard, I am a parent of one, now a young adult. Though I was never like your father, I encouraged her as I believed in her and that is love. Every afternoon after school when she was in sixth class, I helped her with the spelling bee words, she was such a shy student and to her own surprise, she won the spelling bee. I left school when I was 14 so I didn't want her to do the same.

Maybe your father has difficulty expressing his true feelings properly? It sounds like he has anxiety and is passing it onto you. 
Are you able to talk to your father? Practice writing your feelings down on paper and the questions you would like to ask him? Do you think your father and you need some bonding time away from sports to get to know each other? Fishing? or a day trip somewhere, especially somewhere where you would like to go and visit. 
Suggest this to your father "dad, I am feeling pressured when you tell me ..............." (let you finish the sentence). Remember to use "I feel", "it makes me feel", let him know how you feel. It needs to be addressed maybe after a while, it might finally hit home with him, for him to understand you. 
Don't let his pressurising torture you, embrace it and show him you can stand up for yourself by telling him what he is doing is only just pressuring you. 
Take care, feel welcome to reply and reach out to others her on forum.

Gail🫶🏻

[jaz28]

hi there,

I am sorry to hear about this. It must be hard to feel like your parent isn't proud and there to support you. 

Have you ever brought this up with your father or someone else in your family? Is there anyone else, like your mother, sibling, aunt/uncle etc. who might be able to provide this support?

You unfortunately cannot control people, and this may be just what his personality is like. It sucks. But we are here to support you, please reach out again if you need xx

Jaz xx

[geoff]

Hello J_xIx, parents really like to see their kids do well, but there comes a point when this demand is  way too much with unreasonable demands.

What would happen if you didn't play well enough for his liking in the state team, it's a great achievement to be selected and years to come you will treasure these thoughts and pass them onto your family/kids.

Your father is being far too unrealistic, he must allow you to progress as you can and not be pressured into what he wants, because when this happens you will be afraid to tell him that perhaps you need help, because at the moment you would be too scared to tell him, and that's not how a child should learn how to communicate and ask for assistance.

I'm sure you are doing everything possible to do your best and unless he can encourage you then he shouldn't say anything.

Geoff.

Life Member.