Work breakdown

[cptsdisnojoke]

I don’t even know where to begin. I have cptsd and have what my doctor and therapist described as “adrenaline exhaustion” from living in fight or flight for so long.

Some days are better than others, that’s the one certainty I am aware of. I have been going really well for sometime now and this morning, it all began, out of nowhere it started and I couldn’t function. I tried to pull myself together and I had to go into work. I had a breakdown within two minutes of being there and it is a fairly new job (4 weeks). I am so embarrassed that my coworkers and boss saw this and it is making my anxiety creep back in.

I feel so ashamed that I allowed someone to cause this in me many years ago and I’m so frustrated that I will never be me again. I see an amazing therapist who has taken me from scared to leave my house to now working, but I am beyond scared of one step forward and two back, my self confidence is at an all time low and I am so scared of going back to who I became.

I am wondering, how do you cope with the embarrassing work breakdown? And also, how do you cope when the fear of going backward kicks in?

Thank you you in advance for the advice, I didn’t know where to turn right at this very moment, I have therapy tomorrow so that’s a positive.

[Chocolatemousse]

hi there, i completely understand you and what you are feeling right now. i am in almost the same place. i currently don't work. well haven't for many years. ive been a stay home mum and full time nanny for other people. i experienced trauma , neglect and abuse until the age of 19 by my birth parents and then adoptive parents. i think ive have depression from then on basically. also during highschool i was bullied quite badly and had no siblings to talk to about it so ive become very good at pretending. pretty much all the time. i now have four grown up children, 3 still live at home with us and one across the road.(shes married with two babies - which i help look after 3 half days a week, pretty exhausting). I think ive just realised this morning that i feel my worth by pleasing my family. Im terrified of being completely myself, because im worried about being rejected. It dawned on me today, that thats what im doing and i think its because i was rejected so much during my early years that i feel i have to earn their love. Its funny how things just hit you out of the blue !!! I can not give you advice except to say that you are not alone and not to give up. I try hold on to the thought that im loved by my husband and children and grand children. And that there has to be a better time coming. Giving up is not the answer. Ive contemplated suicide many times, but i have to believe that , that will not help me or anyone i love. And i dont want to be the person who does that to my loved ones. My happy place i go to is Maccas for a quiet coffee. you can sit there as long as you need to and they dont mind. sometimes i cant even afford the coffee but i take one from home in a travel mug and just sit there googling things until im ready to go home and face the reality thats waiting for me. (cooking, cleaning, washing, minding babies and repeat the next day). i am 53 yrs old and really starting to feel "where do i fit in and there has to be more to my life than this - ive been doing it for 29 years now) . If you have any comments or tips for me, i would desperately love to hear them. I used to love gardening, craft, drawing, horror movies, picnics, children that i nannied, and my animals. Now i really struggle to any of these things. Ive been on meds for 20 years and i dont feel they are doing it for me any more. Ive also just received my file from being a Ward of the State and thats been a new and horrible experience. 🙃😳🤔 take care