Will I ever recover from my dads sudden death *Trigger Warning Domestic Violence*

[Emo]

Hi Everyone,

I’m not sure where to start. It’s been two months since the sudden death of my dad and I feel more heartbroken now than when he first died. I feel like I’ll never recover. It’s like I’m drowning in grief. His death has made me face the other things that I am experiencing in my life like domestic violence being perpetrated by my husband.

I’ve been suffering abuse for years but I’ve had to hide the abuse from everyone as it’s my shame for putting up with it for so long. It’s a secret which I’ve tried to keep buried deep inside myself but it’s now come to the surface after my dads death. I’ve been trying to hide marks from everyone by wearing really thick makeup and always wearing long sleeves even during summer in 44 degree heat. I believe I’ve been able to hide it all from everyone but now I’ve reached my limit.

To try to avoid the worst of the abuse I’m sleeping in my car which is keeping me a bit safer as the nights are the worst. It’s been so cold that I’ve been lucky to get more than 2 hours sleep a night. I’m just so tired. I’m still with my husband as I believe I deserve the abuse. Maybe if I’d let him do whatever he wants to me he wouldn’t hurt me as much.

I feel like I don’t deserve anyone to care about me after years of name calling and being put down. I believe that I’m worthless and maybe looking at me does make people ill. Maybe I am lucky to have my husband. I’ve tried to get a counsellor but where I live they don’t want to take on new clients. I’m just really struggling with the awful thoughts that are going through my head.

I’m just so very sad about everything. I’m starting to wonder why I bother continuing on with my life when there’s nothing to live for anymore. My dads death has made me realise that without the close bond we had I now have no one else to talk to.

My mother isn’t someone I can talk to as we never got along. My dad was the person that was a buffer between us who stopped us fighting. I understand she’s grieving too but it’s different with her as she’s already talking of dating again even though she was married to my dad for 51 years.

I’m sorry about the length of this post but once I started opening up about the awful things I’m experiencing it all just came flooding out. It feels so good to be able to talk about my life anonymously. Thank you for listening.

[Emo]

Hi Annie40,

Thank you for reaching out to me. It is such a help to be able to discuss domestic violence amongst people who have been through it.

I have been very blessed that other community members who have been through it have made contact with me through my posts. On the other hand it makes me so sad that other people are having to go through it as well.

I'm so glad that you had friends that could help you. I have tried to reach out for help because I'm completely on my own. My own mother tells me that I just need to put up with it as its just part of marriage.

Do I really need to put up with it? I'm just really confused about what my next step will have to be as I need to decide whether I leave the hospital and go back to him or not? I just wish someone could help me and take me away from the pain of it all.

Regards,

Emo.

[Annie40]

What state do you live in? No that is not part of marriage and I know you know that as well.

I had no help from my mum who just told me I am a horrible person going out with a horrible man and my sister was telling everyone I was being beaten up my my partner.

Was so messed up. I was offered woman refuge as well but it scare me I loved my home and animals too much.

Do you have kids? For me it was much easier because I didn’t have any. I can’t say don’t go back because I went back hundreds of times. I caught him cheating which made it easier for me to leave. I just hope you get out before it’s too late. Big hug xo❤️

[Sophie_M]

Hi Emo,

We are so sorry to hear that you are struggling and concerned for your safety. At the moment staying in the hospital seems like the better alternative until you can work out your next plan. We urge you to contact Safe Steps  1800 015 188  and let them know about all that has been happening. There is no judgment from the lovely folks working at Safe Steps and they are here for you. You deserve their help as much as anyone else and even if you keep contacting them, that's totally fine and it has no impact on the assistance you deserve and will be given. So please continue to contact Safe Steps and work out your plan once you are released from the hospital. For more general support, you can always contact 1800RESPECT. 

Take care Emo and know that you are not alone.

[Ggrand]

Dearest Emo....🤗..

I am sorry that your that your in such a bad situation...

Emo...you have and still are such a very brave women..I admire you for you for being so brave..

No you don’t deserve this..no one deserves what you have and still are going through...

He is doing something very bad..he is hurting you physically and mentally....put you into hospital which you needed surgery for...

I am going to ask you a question....Would you do to someone else what your husband is doing to you? I know your answer will be No...and that’s because your a beautiful person.....and you wouldn’t do the same as your husband is doing to you to anyone else because you know it’s so wrong....it’s a criminal offence!...

You have so much courage, Please I know you said before that your scared to do this..just gather up a little bit more courage and please..for your safety and well being...charge him with assault....because it will give you immediate freedom from any more abuse...through your words here lovely lady...I can see he will never change..and needs to be punished for what’s he has been doing to you...I think deep down in your heart you know this...

Dear Emo..As our lovely Sophie has said..you deserve help just as much as anyone else does...Please stay in hospital, you are safe their..he cannot harm you in hospital and won’t because if he does..the police will step in immediately and take him to jail,,,,he knows that...so he won’t hurt you while your in hospital...please stay in hospital Emo....talk to your case manager, safe steps, Please do everything possible for your safety.....hugs 🤗 precious lady..

Grandy..

[quirkywords]

Emo

you are such a brave and honest person.. You have the support of everyone who has posted and all those reading your post. Your kindness and good nature despite what has happened to you shines through your words.

[Doolhof]

Hi Emo,

I'd like to encourage you to reach out to as many people as you can to help you right now. You do deserve to be safe, cared for and looked after.

SophieM has offered suggestions of people to contact. Keep in touch with the them, call them as many times as you need to.

One thing I have noticed, is that a person can appear to be caring and supportive when out in public, how they behave behind closed doors can be a very different story. Hospital staff may think your husband is okay. They don't live with him or his abuse.

I hope you can stay in the hospital until you do have somewhere safe to go and not out on the streets. I have no idea what it is like trying to secure a safe place to live. I do so hope you are able to get the assistance you need.

I don't know what to suggest. Please know you are worth all the help you can get right now.

Wishing you all the care you need, regards from Dools

[Emo]

Hi Sophie M,

Thank you so much for your kind words and support. I've called Safe Steps three times and they've been so kind each time I've talked to them. I just feel like others deserve more help than me.

I think I just really struggle with feeling like I'm worth anything after years of verbal abuse from my husband. Every hurtful name he's called me has broken down my self worth.

I just don't know how I can feel good about myself again. How do I work on starting to feel good about myself again?

I'm supposed to leave the hospital tomorrow. I've been trying to get things organised but places have been closed so it looks like I will have to live on the streets again.

I'm just so sick of trying to fight for my safety. I'm thinking of just giving up and going back home to my husband and the abuse.

I feel like I'll either be abused by my husband or the guy on the streets. Its not much of a choice. I've fought for so long that I'm just too tired to do it.

Maybe he won't abuse me that badly. I'm not sure if I care what happens to me anymore. I've been really struggling today. I just can't see a safe way to live my life.

Regards,

Emo.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Emo,

Thank you for posting and letting us know how you're doing. We're so sorry to hear you've been struggling today and experiencing these difficult feelings and thougths around worthiness. You've done so well so far and we really encourage you to keep showing up for yourself. 

It's really important that you find a way to stay safe and not return to an abusive situation with your husband. It's great that you contacted Safe Steps, please continue to contact them and keep them updated on your situation. Let them know what you're thinking and make a plan together to keep you safe for the next while when you're no longer at the hospital. Also keep the police updated so that they know what's going on.

We strongly encourage you to chat with a counselor at 1800RESPECT to talk through the feelings of unworthiness and their impact on your wellbeing.

Take care Emo and remember you have supports available to you that you deserve as much as anyone else.

[Emo]

Hi Quirkywords,

You are such a kind and caring person to reach out to me. Your lovely words have made me realise that I'm not coping with my problems alone. I realise now that other people do care.

I've had to make some big decisions today as I'm no longer in hospital. I hope I haven't made a mistake by doing what I did. I won't go into detail as I don't want it to be triggering to others.

I will try to update everyone when I can. I'm not sure when that will be as I've walked away from pretty much everything. I'm trying so hard to not let anyone down. I don't want anyone to be disappointed in me.

I hope everyone else is well. Once again thank you Quirkywords, your words helped to pull me out of a dark place.

Regards,

Emo.

[Emo]

Hi Grandy,

Thank you for your great advice and supportive words. I've had to make some drastic changes which I can't go into so I'm not sure what will happen in the next little while but I will try to keep myself focused on your kind words.

The police are unable to do anything for me unless my husband attacks me in front of them. Then they can arrest him but as they say as its his first offence he will likely just get off without a fine or anything.

They told me that it will probably just make him even angrier. I'm not sure what to do as they're right I'd be making a big mistake by getting him charged. I just feel like there is a vicious cycle of abuse and no punishment so it continues on.

I'm sorry this reply is short but I'd promised that I'd try to reply to everyone who reached out to me. Thank you also for your suggestion (I think it was yours) about going to a church for food.

I don't have even a cent to my name and my husband won't approve me getting Centrelink so I'm starving. The churches in our area are finally able to give out things again after Covid.

I just went to one of them. They gave me some food and water and soap. Soap is so precious when you live on the streets. I felt bad taking it as I'm sure there are other people worse off than me but I had to realise that I'm in trouble now. I promise to give back when I'm back on my feet.

I hope that will make up for taking charity. Thank you.

Regards,

Emo.