Will I ever recover from my dads sudden death *Trigger Warning Domestic Violence*

[Emo]

Hi Everyone,

I’m not sure where to start. It’s been two months since the sudden death of my dad and I feel more heartbroken now than when he first died. I feel like I’ll never recover. It’s like I’m drowning in grief. His death has made me face the other things that I am experiencing in my life like domestic violence being perpetrated by my husband.

I’ve been suffering abuse for years but I’ve had to hide the abuse from everyone as it’s my shame for putting up with it for so long. It’s a secret which I’ve tried to keep buried deep inside myself but it’s now come to the surface after my dads death. I’ve been trying to hide marks from everyone by wearing really thick makeup and always wearing long sleeves even during summer in 44 degree heat. I believe I’ve been able to hide it all from everyone but now I’ve reached my limit.

To try to avoid the worst of the abuse I’m sleeping in my car which is keeping me a bit safer as the nights are the worst. It’s been so cold that I’ve been lucky to get more than 2 hours sleep a night. I’m just so tired. I’m still with my husband as I believe I deserve the abuse. Maybe if I’d let him do whatever he wants to me he wouldn’t hurt me as much.

I feel like I don’t deserve anyone to care about me after years of name calling and being put down. I believe that I’m worthless and maybe looking at me does make people ill. Maybe I am lucky to have my husband. I’ve tried to get a counsellor but where I live they don’t want to take on new clients. I’m just really struggling with the awful thoughts that are going through my head.

I’m just so very sad about everything. I’m starting to wonder why I bother continuing on with my life when there’s nothing to live for anymore. My dads death has made me realise that without the close bond we had I now have no one else to talk to.

My mother isn’t someone I can talk to as we never got along. My dad was the person that was a buffer between us who stopped us fighting. I understand she’s grieving too but it’s different with her as she’s already talking of dating again even though she was married to my dad for 51 years.

I’m sorry about the length of this post but once I started opening up about the awful things I’m experiencing it all just came flooding out. It feels so good to be able to talk about my life anonymously. Thank you for listening.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Emo,

I trust you are posting from a hospital bed given your current state of poor health - your husband is not proving to be a positive influence for you. How is your experience with social support services going lately?

You are right about Christmas though, and there are many people who struggle with conflicting emotions at this time of year when contemplating loved ones lost - no one is immune from this situation but for some it can heighten the significance of the true spirit of Christmas and bring inner peace and even joy. The Beatitudes of Matthew may carry you through this period with hope.

Perhaps not a time to consider tradition or learned behaviours, but to take stock of where you are and make your own Christmas wish list of how you see yourself in the future, your hopes and aspirations, along with a few sketches on the path you shall follow to accomplish your goals. Forgive the attitudes and behaviours of your tormentors and look toward mastering your own life without guilt or fear.

Wishing you warm thoughts along your journey to clarity.

Kind regards,

t.

[Emo]

Hi Tranzcrybe,

Thank you for your concern for my well being. I should be in hospital as I was very badly hurt by my husband but I recently had a very bad experience in hospital which involved my husband so I'm not willing to put myself in that position again. I'm currently on the streets but I've armed myself so I should be safe.

Thank you for your advice about Christmas. I'm trying to put your suggestions into action but I'm really so deep down in my bad thoughts that the grief of my dad is overwhelming me. I'm not sure how I will get through Christmas Day without my dad. He made Christmas so special for me. I'm trying to work out how I can get to the cemetery to spend Christmas Day with him. I can't walk there due to my injuries but I hope I might be better by Christmas Day.

I just really want to be with him. I can't lie about the fact that I've had thoughts about how I could join him in heaven.

I know I need to be strong and keep going in my fathers honour but the grief is so overwhelming. I'd appreciate any help from other community members on how you can cope with overwhelming pain from grief and abuse. I'm not sure where I will stay tonight so I'd better go and look for a safe place on the streets. It's not very safe being so vulnerable, I hope I can find a place that is safe soon. Thank you for letting me talk about my feelings, it really helps to be able to say your thoughts out loud albeit via text.

Regards,

Emo.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Emo,

I am pleased you have some outlet for expression and thank you for finding time in your struggle to stay in contact.

Sorry you are not able to feel safe in hospital - could you speak to staff about ensuring your isolation from your husband? Enlisting the services of your case manager or police to intervene would be advisable; your first priority must be your health and safety and the streets will not provide this for you.

Although you have acquired some form of self defence, I am concerned this will not turn out for the best as weapons can have undesired consequences for the untrained. Perhaps capsicum spray might give you more control for any unwanted advances by giving you time to escape and seek assistance. Even those personal alarms can be an effective deterrent as it draws unwelcome attention to the attacker.

I hope you keep yourself free from harm and can reach out to those in authority as the need arises.

Kind regards,

t.

[Emo]

Hi Tranzcrybe,

Thank you for continuing to reach out to me. I feel so alone but your concern makes me feel like I have one person in the world who is concerned about me. Last night was very traumatic for me, I won't go into details as it could be triggering for some community members. You were right about me making a mistake by having a weapon on me as it was used in the incident.

I'm currently in hospital under an alias for my own safety. I've been taking the advice of Safe Steps. They suggested that they could talk to the hospital before I was admitted to make sure that my husband wasn't notified of my admittance. They also talked to the hospital on my behalf and got him removed as my next of kin. A worker at Safe Steps is currently my next of kin just for contact purposes.

I'm so grateful for the wonderful advice from Safe Steps, they have taken a lot of the stress off me by making sure that I don't have to worry as much about my husband finding me in hospital. They are just letting me take things step by step as they know how overwhelmed I am. The next step is to work with the police and Safe Steps to get the protection order finalised.

The hospital staff have told me that I will be kept in over Christmas as my injuries will need to be monitored and will need some ongoing care which they said can't happen if I'm living on the streets. I thought that being in hospital over Christmas would be the worst thing in the world but I'm actually grateful that I will be safe, protected and cared for.

I've been dreading Christmas for a while now since the loss of my dad. I'm not sure how I will get through the day as I still feel like my hearts broken and it will never heal again. If anyone has any suggestions on how to honour my father on the day I would appreciate it. Now that I will be in hospital on the day I won't be able to visit the cemetery.

Sorry for the long post, I just wanted to provide an update on my current situation. I hope the festive season is kind to everyone. I know how hard it can be during this time of year. I will try to keep in contact. I'm looking forward to a soft warm bed tonight in the hospital, I feel so blessed to be safe and able to have a proper sleep for the first time in weeks. Thank you.

Regards,

Emo.

[james1]

Hi Emo,

I am glad to hear you are in hospital and I hope it is not like what happened last time. At least you have an alias which can help keep you safe.

I am sorry to hear you are dreading Christmas and also the loss of your dad. Unfortunately, the focus with Christmas is always on those who have a nice time and others who perhaps don't have the people around them anymore, are left with no voice. Would you perhaps want to write a letter or try your hand at a poem?

If I don't speak to you before Christmas, I'm just sending you my best wishes and I hope you are sleeping well.

James

[Emo]

Hi James,

Thank you very much for your kind words. Your reply made my day feel much better. I had a bad thing happen against my will which is why I got admitted to the hospital as well as complications from my husbands abuse.

I'm trying to get a protection order against the stranger who abused me but I've been told that it's not possible as I don't have a place to live and as the stranger also lives on the streets there is no point in going ahead with the process.

I wonder if anyone knows if that is true as I would really like other people's opinions? Why is it so hard to get a protection order? It looks like my order against my husband will be very hard to get as well. I feel like there is no point in trying to fight for my freedom or safety any more. I'm trying to think of reasons not to go back to my husband but if there's no way to keep him away from me or for me to get some safety I might be best to go back.

I just feel like I'm being abused all over again but this time by the system. I struggle with my feelings regarding leaving my husband as I'm feeling like I should have given him another chance. I feel like I deserve the abuse. I did say it's been a bad day.

Thank you for the suggestion of writing a letter or poem to help me with my sadness over missing my dad this Christmas. I will write a letter. I'm not sure about a poem as I've never been very good at poetry.

I would also like to wish you best wishes for the festive season. I hope everything goes well for you. I look forward to hearing from you in the future, only if you would like to continue to communicate. I found your advice really helpful. All the best.

Regards,

Emo.

[Emo]

Hi Everyone,

I'm in a really bad way at the moment as my husband was invited to visit me at the hospital.

One of the nurses, I think thought she was doing a kind thing by contacting my husband but its just made things worse. I guess it was my fault as I said that I was lonely.

He has threatened me with some awful things. I'm not sure if its worth fighting this hard just to get some peace.

I think it might be gods way of getting me to go back to my husband. I'm fighting so hard to not give in but its just so exhausting.

I don't know how other women are able to keep fighting when their husband's keep coming back to them and threatening them.

I've lost a bit of my will to go on. I just want to get to safety but I'm not sure if that's even possible any more?

Regards,

Emo.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Emo,

We're so thankful that you're reaching out here tonight, and we are so sorry to hear that your husband has visited you at the hospital. We'd urge you to reach out to Safe Steps on 1800 015 188 and let them know of what has happened. We can hear how distressing this experience must have been for you, but please know that you're an incredibly strong person who does not deserve any of this- you deserve to live free from this fear and worry. We'd also encourage you to contact the police and update them on the situation, as both they, and the hospital, have a duty of care to help keep you safe.

We're all here for you Emo.

[Annie40]

I am sorry for your situation. I was also in a domestic violence relationship and thankfully I had friends who hid me away and he ended up with someone else and left me alone. I never really got no help from other sources. Please reach out if I can help. No-one understands how hard it is to break away. They put on such a caring attitude when they hurt you and then straight back to their normal behaviour when you are at home.

[Emo]

Hi Sophie M,

You are so kind. Your words really help me when I'm just too tired to fight any more. It was probably my fault that they contacted my husband as I did say that I was lonely.

The hospital are the ones still contacting my husband so I don't think they will help me. The police are so busy and I struggle to talk to them.

The two kind police officers who deal with domestic violence cases are on leave until later in January so I need to wait until then because as the police say unless they find him trying to badly hurt me or kill me they can't do anything.

I'm seriously thinking about whether its worth fighting to protect myself from him any more. I'm thinking of signing myself out of the hospital and heading back out on the streets but then I'm scared of being attacked by that guy again.

I'm not sure where I should go. Back on the streets to be attacked by a stranger or go home and be abused by my husband. I don't think I have an alternative.

I don't want to bother Safe Steps again as I've contacted them a few times for advice and help so I've probably used them as much as I should do. There are other people who deserve their help more than I do.

I think that while I'm wasting their time talking about my problems they could be on the phone helping someone else who really deserves their help.

I just truly hate myself sometimes. My husband has put me down so much and told me that I don't deserve to breathe the same air as him and that I should just kill myself and do the world a favour. I don't know what to believe about myself anymore.

Regards,

Emo.