Will I ever recover from my dads sudden death *Trigger Warning Domestic Violence*

[Emo]

Hi Everyone,

I’m not sure where to start. It’s been two months since the sudden death of my dad and I feel more heartbroken now than when he first died. I feel like I’ll never recover. It’s like I’m drowning in grief. His death has made me face the other things that I am experiencing in my life like domestic violence being perpetrated by my husband.

I’ve been suffering abuse for years but I’ve had to hide the abuse from everyone as it’s my shame for putting up with it for so long. It’s a secret which I’ve tried to keep buried deep inside myself but it’s now come to the surface after my dads death. I’ve been trying to hide marks from everyone by wearing really thick makeup and always wearing long sleeves even during summer in 44 degree heat. I believe I’ve been able to hide it all from everyone but now I’ve reached my limit.

To try to avoid the worst of the abuse I’m sleeping in my car which is keeping me a bit safer as the nights are the worst. It’s been so cold that I’ve been lucky to get more than 2 hours sleep a night. I’m just so tired. I’m still with my husband as I believe I deserve the abuse. Maybe if I’d let him do whatever he wants to me he wouldn’t hurt me as much.

I feel like I don’t deserve anyone to care about me after years of name calling and being put down. I believe that I’m worthless and maybe looking at me does make people ill. Maybe I am lucky to have my husband. I’ve tried to get a counsellor but where I live they don’t want to take on new clients. I’m just really struggling with the awful thoughts that are going through my head.

I’m just so very sad about everything. I’m starting to wonder why I bother continuing on with my life when there’s nothing to live for anymore. My dads death has made me realise that without the close bond we had I now have no one else to talk to.

My mother isn’t someone I can talk to as we never got along. My dad was the person that was a buffer between us who stopped us fighting. I understand she’s grieving too but it’s different with her as she’s already talking of dating again even though she was married to my dad for 51 years.

I’m sorry about the length of this post but once I started opening up about the awful things I’m experiencing it all just came flooding out. It feels so good to be able to talk about my life anonymously. Thank you for listening.

[Emo]

Hi Sophie M,

Thank you for the private emails as well as your support and concern. I've had a very bad day today. I discovered that the hospital can't stop my husband from visiting me in hospital unless I have an order that details the abuse he has inflicted on me. I got the police to talk to the hospital but as the police are unable to lodge an application for an order yet due to delays in court processes. I will have to wait for another two weeks.

I'm struggling to understand how when someone is in danger they can't do what they need to do to protect themselves. I had to make the tough decision to protect myself from my husband by signing myself out of the hospital against medical advice. If the hospital can't protect me from him I can't stay in the danger of the hospital.

I'm staying on the streets tonight but luckily I can stay in a restaurant for another hour tonight so I'm safe from the freezing cold temperature for a bit. I'm not sure what else I can do as I know I made a mistake by leaving the hospital as the pain is pretty bad but the pain from my husband being allowed to come and visit me and traumatise me is much worse.

I just want safety from my husband. I just don't know what to do any more. I contacted 1800Respect and they suggested that the police would be best placed to help me but as they said to me their hands are tied until I can get an order. I wish I could leave my small home town and maybe then I could get away from my husband. I'm fighting so hard to stay away from him but all attempts are failing. Maybe it's God's way of saying that I need to go back to him and my marriage and just stop fighting the inevitable.

I feel like I've lost all hope, I guess the abuse wasn't that bad. He only hurt me a few times and maybe I deserved it for not folding the towels the right way and for being so ugly that I made him have to hurt me. I just hate myself so much right now, I'm just in so much pain. What else can I do?

Regards,

Emo.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Emo,

Thank you for letting us know how you are doing tonight. We're really sorry you're in so much pain and are also frustrated about there being a delay in police being able to take out an order. You have been so strong to continue reaching out for help despite all obstacles and hardship. Please continue to work closely with your case manager and the police, and keep calling 1800 Respect for additional support.

We are here for you Emo. Please continue to update us whenever you feel up to it.

[Emmen]

Dear Emo,

You've been so strong, keep holding on. This is not God's way of asking you to go back to your marriage, this is just a series of events caused by people and possibly a COVID situation. You make your own future, don't let your husband make it for you. Fight when you feel down, because your life is worth saving.

Keep asking the police for protection and ask them repeatedly how soon you can lodge your application for the court order. Tell them you fear being tracked by your husband and ask them for help in finding safe accommodation. And also keep in touch with 1800 RESPECT and update them on your situation so that they can advise you on any possible future steps.

Despite your injuries and trauma, you're still fighting and I know you can do this. Sending you loads of strength.

Kindly,
M

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Emo,

I hope you are safe tonight and can reconsider leaving the hospital. I feel there are two types of danger you are referring to:

1. the risk of physical harm from your husband,
2. the likelihood you will weaken and accept his commands.

In the first instance, you would be safer from violence in hospital - there would be repercussions for any altercations (for your well being, but also for the other patients and staff); and in the second, although your husband may have the right to turn up, you are not obliged to see him - you have an equal right to send him away or refuse to talk if you feel uncomfortable or are doubting your willpower.
Leaving hospital against medical advice indicates you are still a danger to yourself in your present mindset. Please consider returning to get the treatment you require and continue the good work you have achieved so far with your support networks.

Kind regards,

t.

[Emo]

Hi Tranzcrybe,

Thank you for reaching out to me. I'm trying to keep myself safe but I've made a big mistake leaving the hospital. I'm in so much pain that I can barely move.

I tried to reach out to my mother for some help but she only told me that she can't help me as I married my husband so I need to do what my husband says and that he must have needed to abuse me as I deserved it.

I feel so low right now. I always thought I'd have the support of my mother but clearly I'm on my own. My mother said some other awful things but I won't go into details as they were pretty traumatising for me. I'll try to reply to you all later. I'm so sorry I'm just so tired, I'm not sure what I can do any more. I'm so sorry.

Regards,

Emo.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Emo, 

We’re so grateful to have you reach out to our community this morning and are so sorry to hear how much pain you are in. We can notice how lonley and overwhelmed you must be feeling. We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you. 

If you are in need of medical attention, please go back to the hospital so they can best support you. Do feel free to call our lovely counsellors at 1800 RESPECT on (1800 737 732, Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636), Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

Keep checking back in with us whenever you feel up to it. 
 

[Emo]

Hi Sophie M,

Thank you for replying to me. You're right in saying that I'm all alone as I feel like no one cares about me.

I don't have a support network which would have included friends if my husband would have let me have any. I know my mother is not someone who I can rely on to support me as she thinks abuse is a part of marriage.

If I didn't have the wonderful support of the community members here on the forum and yourself I wouldn't have made it this far. Everyone's encouraging words are keeping me going. I wish I could collect on some of the online hugs offered to me as I'm in serious need of some care.

I've made one smart decision by getting an ambulance called for me by a kind stranger. I was really bad as I couldn't walk or eat, not that I had much to eat but I'd taken some food from the hospital before I left so I had something to eat later.

I was admitted to hospital and I'm getting the treatment I need. Its become infected but I don't regret leaving as I needed to get out as I didn't feel safe in the hospital.

I've also just gotten off the phone to our local court house. I knew I needed to try to get some safety while I'm in hospital. It was a comforting phone call as they were so nice to me when I explained my situation. Some people are being so lovely to me. I was told that the process of finalising the order has been delayed for another month but all the police need to do is start applying on my behalf and the order comes into effect. The finishing is just getting it signed off.

The worker from the court is going to contact the police on my behalf and let them know this information and get them to visit me with the required paperwork. I'm so lucky that the court worker is willing to do this for me.

I know it will sound stupid to some people but I'm exhausted now after making that phone call but I'm so pleased with myself that I did it.

I want everyone to know that I'm trying really hard to not go back to my husband. I may sometimes struggle with my feelings when I get low and upset over my dad or my husband sees me as I still feel obligated to him. Its so hard sometimes.

I wonder if other people have still had feelings for their partner after they have abused them? I don't know how to stop caring. I'd better have a rest now as I'm so tired. Thank you everyone for caring.

Regards,

Emo.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Emo,

This is an exhausting process, and it makes sense that each step you take may feel this way. It's good to hear that you're feeling pleased with yourself - we'd like to remind you how strong we think you are. It takes a lot of courage to take the steps that you have so far in the face of violence.

We are so glad to hear that you have found some people who are being kind and helpful towards you. It sounds like you are on the path to becoming free of this, and our community can see how hard you've been trying. We hope that this community, and these workers assisting you will help you to feel a bit less alone in this tough time.

Hopefully a few of our members will get back to you over the next few days with some of their own stories of having feelings or attachment to an abusive partner. In the meantime, we hope that you are able to find the time, space, and support that you need to begin to heal and treat the infection.

[Emo]

Hi Sophie M,

Thank you for your kind words. I'm not doing very well right now as I've unfortunately had another encounter with my husband. It didn't end very well for me.

The thought of my first Christmas without my Dad is breaking my heart. It brings the grief I experienced when he suddenly passed away back again. I'm probably going to be on my own at Christmas so I'm dreading the festive period.

I will be homeless this Christmas so I'm not even sure what I will be able to do.

I just really want to be with my dad. I wish I was in heaven with him right now and away from the constant pain I'm in. I'm too unwell to go to the cemetery at the moment but I hope to see him again one day.

I'm just so lonely, it makes my grief worse. I hope no one else is having to go through the loss of a loved one this close to Christmas. Thank you for listening to me as I really appreciate everyone's kind words. Thank you.

Regards,

Emo.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Emo,
We are sorry to hear of the struggle you are going through. Grief can be a difficult process. It definitely sounds like a tough time for you. Also, it is concerning that you will be homeless for Christmas and we encourage you to seek crisis accommodation. Here is a link to help you navigate an appropriate space:  https://www.housing.vic.gov.au/crisis-emergency-accommodation. Also, given your current situation we recommend you continue to contact !800 RESPECT, Police, and the hospital when needed.