Will I ever recover from my dads sudden death *Trigger Warning Domestic Violence*

[Emo]

Hi Everyone,

I’m not sure where to start. It’s been two months since the sudden death of my dad and I feel more heartbroken now than when he first died. I feel like I’ll never recover. It’s like I’m drowning in grief. His death has made me face the other things that I am experiencing in my life like domestic violence being perpetrated by my husband.

I’ve been suffering abuse for years but I’ve had to hide the abuse from everyone as it’s my shame for putting up with it for so long. It’s a secret which I’ve tried to keep buried deep inside myself but it’s now come to the surface after my dads death. I’ve been trying to hide marks from everyone by wearing really thick makeup and always wearing long sleeves even during summer in 44 degree heat. I believe I’ve been able to hide it all from everyone but now I’ve reached my limit.

To try to avoid the worst of the abuse I’m sleeping in my car which is keeping me a bit safer as the nights are the worst. It’s been so cold that I’ve been lucky to get more than 2 hours sleep a night. I’m just so tired. I’m still with my husband as I believe I deserve the abuse. Maybe if I’d let him do whatever he wants to me he wouldn’t hurt me as much.

I feel like I don’t deserve anyone to care about me after years of name calling and being put down. I believe that I’m worthless and maybe looking at me does make people ill. Maybe I am lucky to have my husband. I’ve tried to get a counsellor but where I live they don’t want to take on new clients. I’m just really struggling with the awful thoughts that are going through my head.

I’m just so very sad about everything. I’m starting to wonder why I bother continuing on with my life when there’s nothing to live for anymore. My dads death has made me realise that without the close bond we had I now have no one else to talk to.

My mother isn’t someone I can talk to as we never got along. My dad was the person that was a buffer between us who stopped us fighting. I understand she’s grieving too but it’s different with her as she’s already talking of dating again even though she was married to my dad for 51 years.

I’m sorry about the length of this post but once I started opening up about the awful things I’m experiencing it all just came flooding out. It feels so good to be able to talk about my life anonymously. Thank you for listening.

[Emo]

Hi Sophie M,

Thank you for your encouraging words. I'm really struggling with everything right now. I think I need to seek more medical help but I am unsure of how to get there right now. It is a fair distance from where I am currently hiding. I can't walk there as I'm too sore. I need to just stay put and hope that I don't get any worse over night. I'm really hopeful that my case worker is able to help me out with an alternative place for accommodation.

I would have loved to stay at the last refuge place I was at but because my husband tracked me down there it meant that I was automatically removed from the building as my husband was considered dangerous. I'm not allowed back to the refuge until my husband stops looking for me. I wish I could get some help to find someplace else to stay. I'm not sure what to do as the rules are the rules but it would be really good if they could find me a place to stay that is in another location.

I'm not sure how he found me as I was always looking over my shoulder as I'm terrified of him and what he can do to me. I'm sorry the last lot of abuse from him that just happened is causing me so much pain that I am struggling to cope. I'm trying to stay strong but I am honestly not sure what I can do now to get some relief. Maybe I can see if my case worker has any suggestions.

I feel like giving up and letting whatever happen to me to happen, I'm too tired to fight anymore. The only thing helping me to stay strong is the encouraging words from yourself and the other lovely community forum members. I will try to get myself through the current pain I am in.

I contacted 1800Respect but the only suggestion they could make to me was to contact the domestic violence agency that I am already going through so I am doing what 1800Respect suggest. I was hoping to be able to talk to someone at 1800Respect about some coping mechanisms to get me through. Even though they were lovely they were unable to offer any suggestions.

I hope that I am safe tonight. I wish I could find a safe place but the only place I can go that would provide me with some shelter is to go home but it wouldn't be safe would it? I just really want to get some rest, I'm just too tired to fight any more.

Regards,

Emo.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Emo,

Sorry you have encountered another setback.

Can you get in touch with your case manager to have protections put in place so you could move about without constant fear of your husband?

A simple restraining order (AVO) should be enough for peace of mind and to assure your safety whether in a refuge or on the streets and allow you to pursue your objectives unimpeded. It may also send a message that you will not tolerate abusive treatment and that his behaviour is unacceptable (as he has become accustomed in the past).

In consideration of your present mixed emotions re your marriage, an AVO is not a charge against your husband (unless the conditions are breached) - you have already been to the police and you have hospital records to support lodgement criteria. Your case manager should be able to follow this up.

Don't give up, Emo, you've already been there and it's not where you want to be. Place your trust in the services at your disposal to make an affirmative influence in your life.

Kind regards,

t.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Emo,

We're so sorry to hear you're struggling quite badly at the moment. We're sorry you were unable to stay at your last place of refuge because your husband found your location. We hope your caseworker will help you with finding an alternative solution. As tranzcrybe has suggested, we recommend asking your caseworker to get an AVO (Apprehended Violence Order) for your protection and safety. You could be in accommodation or on the streets and an AVO will provide you with legal protection.

We've also sent you a privat email to offer some extra support.

[Emo]

Hi Sophie M,

I really appreciate the help and support that I am receiving from yourself and the amazing forum community members. Today has been a very bad day. I'm trying so hard to stay strong and to stay safe but I'm so conflicted after my appointment with my case worker today. I'm struggling with her comments after I asked her about getting an order to protect myself from my husband.

When I asked her about it she said that there would be a three week delay in getting one due to a backlog of applications. I understand that things are delayed due to Covid but I'm just scared that I'm not safe until I have something in place to protect myself. I know it's only a piece of paper but I think it would make my husband reduce the level of abuse towards me.

After my case worker told me that I then raised the question of a possibility of some suggestions of places I could stay as I'm currently living on the streets but she said that there are no spots available for about a month and that maybe I should see if I could go back to my house and try to discuss with my husband the abuse and see if I can move back home. I know that a month is a long time but I just don't think I can go back to the abuse.

I've got to think about the suggestion before I make a decision. I know the streets are not great for me as I've been talking to some people who are suffering terribly and we have all been discussing the pain we are in for different reasons and they have been trying to talk me into numbing the pain by doing some dangerous things to myself involving harm. I'm fairly vulnerable right now and the idea of not feeling the pain for a while is tempting but I really need to think of other ways to cope with the pain I'm in.

Its just really overwhelming for me right now. I'm trying to stay strong and I should be able to deal with it myself but I just really need to talk to someone right now. I'm sorry I'm just really tired and emotional. I'm trying to follow everyones suggestions but I feel like I'm letting everyone down, I'm so sorry. What else can I do?

Regards,

Emo.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Emo,

We are always here for you. Sorry to hear that today has been a bad day. It’s good that you have been able to stay away from your husband as this is the safest thing for you. We can hear that it is tough right now, but hopefully soon you will have a place to stay and an order in place. Please continue to reach out to us, 1800respect and your case worker for support.
 

[Emo]

Hi Sophie M,

Thank you for your support. I decided enough was enough. I realised that I needed to tell the police what's been happening to me. I had to trust them. I was so surprised as they were so lovely.

They've offered me some amazing things like a phone for a short period of time but longer if I need it. It makes reaching out for help so much easier. They were so worried about me.

I told them of my bad experience in the past with a police officer and they were horrified that I had to go through that. I'm now sorry I didn't go to them sooner.

They are trying to find me accommodation for tonight as they are worried about me being on the streets as the weather is going to be very windy and dangerous to be sleeping on the streets tonight. They said they can see I'm struggling with the pain of the abuse so they are arranging for me to be seen medically.

I didn't want to go back to the hospital in case they contacted my husband so it will be done elsewhere. My mind was spinning when I went to see them so I just blurted out all of my problems to them. They just sat and listened to me and offered me a tissue when I started crying.

If anyone's scared of going to the police like I was please don't be scared just go and see them they couldn't have been lovelier. They are taking me slow.

They are focusing on finding me a place to stay tonight if they can for safety. Then they will work with me on applying for a protection order but only when I'm ready.

I also asked them about the other people I've been staying with. They are self harming and I'm scared for them. I've already suggested they contact Beyond Blue as you have been a great comfort to me. The police said they will see what they can do to help.

I feel so relieved that I'm getting some more help. I feel like I have support to help me with the danger I'm in. Thank you for standing by me, I'm so grateful to everyone. I don't deserve your support but I appreciate it do much.

Regards,

Emo.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Emo,

Thank you for the update. We're sure we speak for everyone who has been following your thread when we say we are so pleased you found the strength within to reach out to the police and that they have been able to offer you such material and emotional support. 

[james1]

Hi Emo,

I'm so glad to hear that you found some good police to help you out. Take care tonight.

James

[Emo]

Hi Sophie M,

Thank you so much for standing by me. I have to sleep on the streets tonight as the refuges are full but it looks like tomorrow night I will have a place to stay. I never realised how much I missed being able to sleep in a bed safely.

I know that will sound stupid to some people but its the one thing that will help me the most, getting some sleep. Lack of sleep makes your mind go to a bad place.

I just hope that with sleep and the wonderful support around me from the police and yourself and the other wonderful community members that I will be able to rebuild my life.

I'm not sure what my next step will be but I know that at this moment I don't want to be abused anymore. I can't cope with that any more. I'll never trust a man again. I'm never going to ever date again or let a man even near me because all they do is hurt me.

I've been thinking a lot about my life lately. I'm not even sure where I would start with divorcing my husband. Just the fact that I'm thinking this way and that I'm saying these words is a big step for me. I was willing to let him hurt me so badly that I needed to be hospitalised just so I stayed married to him. I really was completely brain washed by him.

I'm still vulnerable and I'm not that strong so I know that I need to avoid all contact with my husband or he would probably be able to talk me into going back to him. I'm doing everything I can to protect myself. I was so terrified of talking to the police but its been a really important step in starting to get my life back.

I'd better go now but thank you everyone for supporting me and listening to me and my crazy thoughts. One day hopefully soon, when I'm stronger, I would like to give back to other community members who have helped me by supporting them through their lives.

I have no doubt about it, you have truly saved my life. I had resigned myself to the fact that he would kill me but now I'm a much stronger person who realises that I do deserve to live, thank you.

P.S. Sorry for the typo in my last post, it was supposed to say 'so much' not 'do much', its been bugging me.

Regards,

Emo.

[monkey_magic]

Hi Emo,

Your latest posts have been empowering to read.

You have turned a corner and are making important decisions that will save your life.

It's such a relief that you are starting to take your power back. I admire this in you. You are not just a woman defeated but a woman standing up to her abuser now.

I am so so glad you went to the police. It takes guts...or perhaps desperation but girl, you did it. Finally.

I wouldn't worry too much about the future for now, I'd take it day by day. It's going to be such an emotional and mental rollercoaster. You are dealing with a lot. Baby steps.

I'm proud of your recent achievements Emo. Stay strong and committed.