Will I ever recover from my dads sudden death *Trigger Warning Domestic Violence*

[Emo]

Hi Everyone,

I’m not sure where to start. It’s been two months since the sudden death of my dad and I feel more heartbroken now than when he first died. I feel like I’ll never recover. It’s like I’m drowning in grief. His death has made me face the other things that I am experiencing in my life like domestic violence being perpetrated by my husband.

I’ve been suffering abuse for years but I’ve had to hide the abuse from everyone as it’s my shame for putting up with it for so long. It’s a secret which I’ve tried to keep buried deep inside myself but it’s now come to the surface after my dads death. I’ve been trying to hide marks from everyone by wearing really thick makeup and always wearing long sleeves even during summer in 44 degree heat. I believe I’ve been able to hide it all from everyone but now I’ve reached my limit.

To try to avoid the worst of the abuse I’m sleeping in my car which is keeping me a bit safer as the nights are the worst. It’s been so cold that I’ve been lucky to get more than 2 hours sleep a night. I’m just so tired. I’m still with my husband as I believe I deserve the abuse. Maybe if I’d let him do whatever he wants to me he wouldn’t hurt me as much.

I feel like I don’t deserve anyone to care about me after years of name calling and being put down. I believe that I’m worthless and maybe looking at me does make people ill. Maybe I am lucky to have my husband. I’ve tried to get a counsellor but where I live they don’t want to take on new clients. I’m just really struggling with the awful thoughts that are going through my head.

I’m just so very sad about everything. I’m starting to wonder why I bother continuing on with my life when there’s nothing to live for anymore. My dads death has made me realise that without the close bond we had I now have no one else to talk to.

My mother isn’t someone I can talk to as we never got along. My dad was the person that was a buffer between us who stopped us fighting. I understand she’s grieving too but it’s different with her as she’s already talking of dating again even though she was married to my dad for 51 years.

I’m sorry about the length of this post but once I started opening up about the awful things I’m experiencing it all just came flooding out. It feels so good to be able to talk about my life anonymously. Thank you for listening.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Emo,

We are glad that our words of support have helped you. It is great that you will speak with your case worker when making contact with Centrelink again. It would be great if you can try to see the case worker sooner than your appointment. If you explain your mental struggle and negative experience with Centrelink to the agency, we hope they will get you to see someone sooner than later. Again, we are so sorry that you are not in great head space right now. Please don’t be hard on yourself and know that you are doing your very best any given moment.

We are so sorry to hear about your feelings of worthlessness. You are a worthy, valuable person who deserves a fair chance at living a life free from abuse and trauma, just as much as anyone else. You say you have a house to go to but it is not a safe place and the purpose of domestic violence agencies and resources is to help people exactly like yourself. Any kind of abuse, even if it’s not fatal, is uncalled for. We urge you to contact 1800RESPECT and not contact your husband. Reaching out for help is a sign of strength. Everyone needs support and assistance to get through life and your needs are no different. We hope you will take some time to reflect on your strengths and feel proud for the fact that you’ve removed yourself from an abusive situation. Yes the journey is hard but there is support available to make it a bit easier. Do keep reaching out to support services as much as you need to. You are worthy of it.
 

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Emo,

'Resilience' - to navigate setbacks and find an alternative path to achieve your desired outcome.

1. There are free TAFE courses being offered so have a look at some of those to start - may not be exactly what you want initially, but will give you direction.
2. Government funding is also available for tertiary studies on a HECS scheme.
3. Centrelink make a good point re the status of your separation and necessarily require confirmation - try to see things objectively and not become disheartened, as they aren't trying to trample your dreams or entitlements. Much comes down to your ability/willingness to communicate your situation without reservation - this has created obstacles for you in the past. Work with your case manager to access the requested information and submit your claim.

You are still very fragile, but you can succeed in this by being open and forthcoming with your support services (and a little persistent as required). Drawing a line under where you want to be will drive you forward, but it will also take a firm resolve from you to reject your past and the control it has had over you.

Kind regards,

t.

[Emo]

Hi Sophie M,

Thank you so much for your encouraging words. I'm really tough on myself as I've been subjected to so much abuse with a lot of the verbal abuse making me question my worth and my usefulness. I'm trying to work on my negativity towards myself but it's hard after years of abuse. The fact that I am trying to pursue further education is a big stand against my husband and his negative comments towards me regarding how dumb I am.

I've contacted the domestic violence agency and they said that I can see my case worker tomorrow which is sooner than appointment so I'm so grateful to them for fitting me in earlier I just feel awful that I might have pushed someone else out of their appointment. I guess I just need to realise that I deserve help as much as anyone who has suffered abuse like I have.

It's so hard to let someone in to care about me as I feel like they will hurt me too. I guess that's something else I need to discuss with my counsellor.

I'm hopeful that tomorrow I will be able to work through my Centrelink problems with my case workers help as she's probably done this plenty of times with other clients. I will wait until I get Centrelink sorted out before I pursue further education as I'm limited in what they can do for me without Centrelink as the costs are a big issue.

I'm about to contact 1800Respect as I'm still struggling with not contacting my husband. I feel like my problems would be easier with me going back to him but I know I need to stay strong and remember what will happen if I go back to him, horrific abuse. I've fought so hard to leave him, I would be letting everyone down if I go back.

I can't seem to stay away from him for my own safety, I only worry about letting others down. Hopefully 1800Respect will be able to talk me down from the ledge I'm on and make me see the benefits to myself for not going back.

I will update everyone later if I have something to report. I just hope that I can stay strong. I appreciate everyone's concern and support so much. I don't feel like it yet but as you say Sophie, I deserve to have a life free of abuse.

Regards,

Emo.

[Emo]

Hi Everyone,

I'm sorry I have taken a while to get back to everyone. I've had some very traumatic days. My husband found me and threatened me if I didn't go with him so I did. I managed to escape and I just kept running. I wasn't able to go back to the safe house as I would have put other women in danger so I have spent some time on the streets. I'm supposed to have an appointment with my case worker tomorrow so I am hoping that she might be able to help me to relocate to another place that is safe. I didn't feel I could ask for help from her earlier. 

I'm hoping that I can get put into another safe place as I am still quite fragile. I was starting to think bad thoughts about myself and how much I was missing my dad. I have tried so hard to keep strong.   I'm trying to keep myself safe but I'm really struggling right now. I wish I could get help from my counsellor as I know I need to get help with processing my feelings. I feel like I have entered the vicious cycle again of abuse and hatred of myself but this time I didn't go back to him, I ran. I hope that counts for something. Please know that I am really trying, I'm just also really vulnerable.

Regards,

Emo.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Emo, we hope the support we offered offline overnight was of some help and that things seem a little brighter today. We hope the appointment with your case worker goes well. Please check in and let us know how you're getting on whenever you feel up to it. And remember, if ever you're after more immediate support than is available via the forums that you can speak to a qualified mental health professional from our Support Service by phone 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or via webchat between 1pm and midnight AEDT via https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/get-immediate-support (or by clicking the 'chat now' link in the top right corner of our page). One of our counsellors will be in touch shortly via email to check in.

[Ggrand]

Hello dear Emo..

Please don’t be sorry about how long it takes you to reply...but I must say I am very relieved and pleased to hear from you..and am very saddened that your husband has found you...

Emo...you done such a brave thing by running away from him...That must have been so incredibly hard to do....

I hope your case worker can find you another safe house well away from him...Please keep your trust in your case worker..and your faith in you that you will be free of him...one day and I hope it is soon...my care and prayers are with you dear sweet Emo..

I am so sorry that your missing your dad...that’s so understandable...Can I just say..that I think you’re doing your dad proud...and he would be so very proud of you the way your fighting for your freedom and a life of peace...and away from the danger you have been living in...My heart really goes out to you dear lady...

My kindest and most caring thoughts

Grandy..

[Emo]

Hi Sophie M,

Thank you for your help last night, it was greatly appreciated. I replied to the e-mail that you sent last night.

Unfortunately my appointment today with my case worker didn't go very well as she is unable to rehouse me until my husband stops trying to track me down. I understand that I would be putting others at risk if my husband found me again so I have to stay on the streets for a bit longer.

The case worker was very kind though, its not her fault. Its my fault for putting up with the abuse for too long. Maybe its just too hard. I'm sorry I'm not in the best frame of mind right now.

I'm luckily able to borrow a restaurants device to use to reply to posts at certain times of the day. I'm sorry I'm just broken. I tried to reach out to 1800Respect but unfortunately it wasn't very helpful this time. That's the first time I didn't get help, they are usually amazing.

I'm just really hurting right now. When I do get some sleep I'm having nightmares reliving my dads death all over again. I just feel like I'm being tortured for staying with my husband, I just need to stop fighting.

I'm so sorry, I'll try to keep being strong if I can. I'm so grateful for everyone's support. I'm just so tired.

Regards,

Emo.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Emo, thanks for posting here and letting us know how you are doing. We're sorry your appointment with your caseworker did not go as well as you'd hoped for the reasons you mentioned and we're sorry your chat with 1800RESPECT was not very positive. We have messaged you privately to check in with you. Please know that you're not alone and we are here for you.

[Emo]

Hi Sophie M,

Thank you so much for reaching out to me. I will reply to your email shortly. I'm in a pretty bad way right now. I was badly abused by my husband after he tracked me down as I'm currently living on the streets.

I tried to protect myself and get myself to safety but I wasn't strong enough. I was going to try to get someone to call the police for me but the police scare me so I've just kept what's happened to myself.

My mind is causing me a lot of issues today as I'm suffering with the pain and the feeling that its all my fault and that I deserve it. I'm trying to keep going and think of still being strong but I'm not sure if I can cope with more abuse.

I need a safe place to stay away from my husband and his abuse. I know that I need to think of other women in the refuge and not go there until my husband stops trying to track me down for their safety but I'm wondering where I go to get safety until he decides to give up searching for me. I don't think he will until I end up badly hurt or worse.

I'm sorry, I'm just so scared being on my own on the streets without any protection. My mind won't let me rest. I just keep thinking very bad thoughts. I just want to be safe and protected. Do I even deserve that? Maybe I should just be grateful that I'm alive today.

I need to stop hoping for a better life. I'm just too tired and exhausted to hide any more. I just want to sleep in peace. I just want the pain to stop.

Regards,

Emo.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Emo, 

Thanks for the update. Things sound really horrible for you right now and we can just imagine how scary and tiring this all must be for you. We must say that it was so courageous of you to separate from your husband, even if it means being on the streets. We want to remind you that it is not your fault and that you are not deserving of abuse; however, it is not uncommon for victims of abuse to incorrectly think this, so you aren't alone in thinking or feeling this way. We just want to remind you that this way of thinking is not true. If you want to be safe and protected, then please continue to stay strong and seek refuge. We know making the step to seek reduge is not easy but we believe you can do it. We'd urge you to try not to worry about other women in the refuge as they are in the same situation as you and it is highly likely that they would prefer for you to seek refuge than to be out on the streets alone and in danger. Furthermore, it is likely that such centres have safety precautions in place to keep everyone safe, so you need not worry about that. 

You've been so brave so far. We encourage you to continue to be brave and to put yourself first. We know you don't like the police, but we encourage you to call 000 if you find yourself in immediate danger. We really care for you Emo and want you to be safe.