Will I ever recover from my dads sudden death *Trigger Warning Domestic Violence*

[Emo]

Hi Everyone,

I’m not sure where to start. It’s been two months since the sudden death of my dad and I feel more heartbroken now than when he first died. I feel like I’ll never recover. It’s like I’m drowning in grief. His death has made me face the other things that I am experiencing in my life like domestic violence being perpetrated by my husband.

I’ve been suffering abuse for years but I’ve had to hide the abuse from everyone as it’s my shame for putting up with it for so long. It’s a secret which I’ve tried to keep buried deep inside myself but it’s now come to the surface after my dads death. I’ve been trying to hide marks from everyone by wearing really thick makeup and always wearing long sleeves even during summer in 44 degree heat. I believe I’ve been able to hide it all from everyone but now I’ve reached my limit.

To try to avoid the worst of the abuse I’m sleeping in my car which is keeping me a bit safer as the nights are the worst. It’s been so cold that I’ve been lucky to get more than 2 hours sleep a night. I’m just so tired. I’m still with my husband as I believe I deserve the abuse. Maybe if I’d let him do whatever he wants to me he wouldn’t hurt me as much.

I feel like I don’t deserve anyone to care about me after years of name calling and being put down. I believe that I’m worthless and maybe looking at me does make people ill. Maybe I am lucky to have my husband. I’ve tried to get a counsellor but where I live they don’t want to take on new clients. I’m just really struggling with the awful thoughts that are going through my head.

I’m just so very sad about everything. I’m starting to wonder why I bother continuing on with my life when there’s nothing to live for anymore. My dads death has made me realise that without the close bond we had I now have no one else to talk to.

My mother isn’t someone I can talk to as we never got along. My dad was the person that was a buffer between us who stopped us fighting. I understand she’s grieving too but it’s different with her as she’s already talking of dating again even though she was married to my dad for 51 years.

I’m sorry about the length of this post but once I started opening up about the awful things I’m experiencing it all just came flooding out. It feels so good to be able to talk about my life anonymously. Thank you for listening.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Emo,

We’re so grateful to have you reach out to our community this morning and are so sorry to hear everything you have going on at the moment. Times like this can definitely get overwhelming . We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you. 

We hope you know that there is always help available to you and recommend you reach out to 1800 respect (1800 737 732) for support. Counsellors at Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) , Lifeline (13 11 14) and Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) are all available.

Keep checking back in with us whenever you feel up to it. 

[Emo]

Hi Sophie M,

Thank you for reaching out to me. I'm in a very bad way at the moment as the abuse that I continue to suffer at the hands of my husband is causing me terrible pain, not only physical pain but also mental pain. I wish my exit plan was in place so that I could activate it. It's so hard being in the same house as my abuser. I want to get away from him but I need to do it the right way this time. I can't cope on the streets again. It felt like I was going from one abuser to another as the streets are pretty rough if you come across a person on drugs or someone who is drunk, they can be quite violent.

I think that I might need to discuss the bad feelings I am having with other support organisations. Thank you for the suggestion. I can't phone them but I will look for the details for how to contact them via Webchat in an earlier post. I hope they will be able to help me find some reasons to continue. I'm just sick of being abused and the pain is too much to bare all of the time now. I will try to keep going but only because I'm not sure if my dad would be happy if I took my own life. I don't want to disappoint him. Thank you for listening to me, I appreciate the opportunity to get the awful thoughts out of my head.

Regards,

Emo.

[Emo]

Hi Everyone,

I've made the best move in my life, I have left my husband with the help of a Domestic Violence agency. I have taken most of the important things I need so I can work on setting myself up again or at least take a break from being abused. My mind is still struggling with leaving my marriage but I am working on trying to feel like I deserve being safe and I don't deserve being abused multiple times a day. It will be a long road to try to build myself up again but I'm hopeful that with the support of the domestic violence agency and the ongoing support of others that I will eventually make the move to leave my husband a permanent one.

It's so hard to cut the ties with my husband. I will have to work on getting my car back in my name as I have lost ownership of it. I have a lot of work to do as I will have to start all over. The part that I'm most upset about is the fact that our house that I paid almost the majority for is in my husbands name only. I was so stupid to just pay for everything. I guess I deserve to be punished for being so naive and thinking that I could trust him. I'm not sure what I will do now but I know that I will never trust anyone ever again. I'm also never going to date anyone else as I don't want to have to go through the pain of being in a relationship ever again.

I'm so grateful to everyone for their support and the wonderful advice they have given me. I'm sorry it took me so long to reach this point. I feel so conflicted about walking away from my marriage but as other community members have said it's not really my fault that my marriage failed. I still feel like a failure as I married for life. I told you I'm conflicted. My mind is really punishing me for leaving. I have been tortured both mentally and physically by him for so long that I struggle to think on my own anymore.

I think I will need help with building up my confidence. I have zero confidence in my abilities to cope on my own but I can't go back to the abuse any more. I've got to try after so many wonderful people have been so kind to me. I owe it to them to not let them down. Thank you everyone.

Regards,

Emo.

[Emo]

Hi Everyone,

I wanted to give everyone an update. I'm really struggling with not contacting my husband as I feel wrong for having left him. I don't know why that is? He has been abusing me for years but I still feel like I owe him my commitment as I married him. I'm not sure how to stop myself from contacting him. I just don't know how to cut off all contact. I knew it wouldn't be easy leaving but it's almost impossible. I still have a lot of work to do but I'm determined to keep trying.

On a more positive note I'm trying to work on my future now I'm on my own. I have contacted TAFE regarding my dream of going back to school and studying to become a counsellor/social worker specialising in palliative care support and grief counselling. I'm going to be talking to a career advisor to discuss the possibility. I don't want to get ahead of myself as I don't want my heart broken but I feel like I am getting some hope in my life. Even if it doesn't happen, for a few minutes I felt like I had a chance at a new life. I would love to be able to give back to the kind people in the world who are suffering. I like to feel like I have a chance at my life without the pain of abuse. I'm so grateful to everyone for sticking by me as I struggle with the next phase of my life.

I will let you all know how I go with my career advisor meeting. I will try to avoid contacting my husband. I will try to keep the wise words of the community members who tell me that I deserve to be safe and protected in my head. Thank you everyone, I'm so grateful for everyone's support.

Regards,

Emo.

[ecomama]

Dear Emo

Congratulations on LEAVING. This is a MAMMOTH step.

YOU ARE A SUCCESS for leaving.

PLEASE write on here every time you feel like contacting your exH.
Alternatively there are online "No Contact Diaries" and groups to join because you are NOT alone in your struggle with NC.
Many people struggle with exactly the same things for exactly the same reasons.

But abuse is abuse.

You HAD to leave.

Please Google "Stockholm Syndrome".

It's grand that you're looking at a Career path in the Counselling field you've chosen.

During your time of study in any path you settle on, please consider these things:
* your experiences and the fact you left and survived are 'assets' IMHO for a Counsellor to have but...
* you need to get "well" before Counselling others in a professional capacity...
* please seek Counselling, you may need a Psychologist or more...
* please contact Legal Aid and when you're ready, begin the Family Law process. The longer you leave this, the more complicated things get. This process can take many years and it needs to begin now for you to receive a "fair and equitable share" of the property pool.
You can study alongside this process but having a Counsellor also will help stabilise you through it.

Best wishes
EM

[Emmen]

Dear Emo,

It's been a long and painful journey for you and I'm glad you've finally taken this huge step. You deserve to be free and happy. Please don't beat yourself up over the things you feel you're failing at. It's okay to struggle with leaving your husband because that has been your reality for so long. I know you have the strength to overcome this and make your dreams for a brighter future come true.

You're an exceptional person, Emo. You've endured so much pain and yet, to see you here talking with hope and determination is inspirational to many, especially to those who may be struggling even now with their abusive domestic situations.

I hope it goes well with your career advisor. I wonder if you'd like to start seeing a counsellor too?

Kindly,
M

[Emo]

Hi Ecomama,

Thank you very much for your kind words. I'm really trying my best to keep myself from contacting my husband. I'm currently in safe accommodation so I'm not able to talk to anyone from my previous life at the moment, it's for my own safety.

I can't lie I've picked up the phone about ten times to call him as I'm just so conflicted about my feelings for him. It's a lot harder than I thought to stop the contact. I don't want to annoy anyone by voicing my struggles with my commitment to my husband as I should just be able to forget about him and cut all ties but I still have feelings for him, I just don't know why?

I understand your concern with me trying to help others while I'm still struggling with my current issues but I will be studying for four years for my chosen career so I think that will give me the time to get myself sorted out before I attempt to start counselling anyone. I just feel like my life experience could help me in relating to my future clients hopefully.

I'm getting counselling for the lasting effects the abuse has had on me. I'm not sure if I'll ever be truly ok again as the abuse has gone on for so long that I'm not sure if I can ever get over it. I'm not sure if I can permanently leave my marriage yet so I need to hold off on contacting Legal Aid as it will only complicate things right now.

It sounds like I'm not doing very well but I'm really trying. I'm trying to take things one step at a time. It's hard to be on my own after so many years in my abusive marriage.

Regards,

Emo.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Emo,

I feel so relieved you have found a safe place to stay while you piece your life back together.

Of course you will find yourself gravitating back to familiarity (no matter how abhorrent, it's the only life you know, after all). Just be sure to remove your husband from 'Contacts' so you'll have to enter the 10 digits yourself if you should ever weaken - the extra time it takes may bring you to your senses again. Remember, he also needs this space to recognise his failures as a husband and learn to respect you as an individual - I hope, in time, you will communicate as equals to find genuine common ground, regardless of whether your marriage continues or not.

I think your studies will be the panacea you seek as a means to make sense of your own struggle, meet and interact with other students, build confidence and resilience, and ultimately find a fulfilling future assisting others. In many ways, you have been emotionally shackled and denied self development through your husband's dominance and your own insecurities.

I guess it must feel like you are on a different planet and well out of your 'comfort' zone (not really a fitting description), so in that respect you are doing brilliantly as you learn to adapt and embrace everything you deserve in life.

Well done, Emo, keep it up.

Kind regards,

t.

[Emo]

Hi Tranzcrybe,

I've had a bad couple of days so I'm sorry I haven't replied. It looks like I will have to forget about doing my course. I checked on the cost of the course and its so expensive, it felt like I was kicked in the guts hearing the cost.

I also found out that I can't get Centrelink as my husband needs to provide his pay slip amounts for me to get it set up to get a benefit paid to me. I tried to tell them that I'm seperated from my husband due to domestic violence but they said that I still need his information as I've only been seperated a short time from him.

I got so upset that I started to cry, it's all over the phone as they won't have in person appointments. It looks like the only way I can survive money wise is to go back to my husband. I don't think the lady I spoke to at Centrelink realises what danger I would be going back to if I return to my husband. I asked if there was any other way to get it processed and she said that's the only way.

I remembered a community member from the forum (I'm sorry I don't remember who) mentioned I should speak to a social worker about my specific situation, the lady at Centrelink said that they don't have any such person. I'm not sure if that was the truth but maybe they were cut due to cost cutting measures?

I'm not sure what I can do next? I can't rely on the support of the domestic violence agency who has been supporting me much longer as I'm taking funds which should be going to others who deserve it much more than I do.

I guess my only option is to go back to my husband. I can't do that though can I? I'm trying to find out if there is another way. I've worked so hard to leave I would feel like such a failure going back to him.

I'm just really struggling as I feel like my dream of getting further education is slipping away. I guess I should just be pleased that I finished year 12 and gained my VCE. I will have to let that dream go but I can't put myself through the abuse my husband subjected me to during our marriage any more.

Does anyone have suggestions on how to get Centrelink payments without involving my husband? I was wondering if I should call him and ask him for his information but I know that if I do that I will let him talk me into going back to him. I'm still very vulnerable, I'm trying to keep myself safe but I'm still not strong enough to stand up to him.

I'd appreciate any suggestions. Thank you.

Regards,

Emo.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Emo,

Thank you for posting here and letting us know how you’re doing. We are so sorry to hear about your experience with Centrelink and the disappointment about the cost of the course you were looking into. We can hear that you are quite anxious about your finances and there are these unhelpful thoughts about returning to the abusive situation with your husband. Please know that there are other possibilities and solutions.

It is so brave of you to have left an abusive, unhealthy situation with the help of a domestic violence agency. While the road to recovery and freedom may seem blurred and hard right now, you are on the right track and we strongly urge you to stay where you are. Centrelink do have social workers and it’s odd (and incorrect) that the person you spoke to over the phone didn’t connect you with one. Do you have a case worker at the Domestic Violence agency you’ve been in contact with? If not, ask the agency to appoint a case worker for you and with their assistance, you can contact Centrelink again and speak with a social worker and make a claim without compromising your safety.

You mentioned that you feel that you cannot rely on the support of the domestic violence agency as there are others who deserve it more. Emo, you deserve all the support you can get, and you deserve it just as much as anyone else. These thoughts about not being worthy or deserving will come up as they have been there for so long but we urge you to focus on the fact that you do deserve support. Please do not make contact with your husband until you’ve talked to the Domestic Violence agency and explained your interaction with Centrelink to them. We hope you will have a case worker to talk to and get in touch with a social worker at Centrelink – it is your right.

You can also keep talking to 1800RESPECT and our Support Service to continue having chats with trained, caring counsellors who will give you advice and put things in perspective. Please also keep posting here to let us know how you are doing. You are not alone and we are here for you.