Will I ever recover from my dads sudden death *Trigger Warning Domestic Violence*

[Emo]

Hi Everyone,

I’m not sure where to start. It’s been two months since the sudden death of my dad and I feel more heartbroken now than when he first died. I feel like I’ll never recover. It’s like I’m drowning in grief. His death has made me face the other things that I am experiencing in my life like domestic violence being perpetrated by my husband.

I’ve been suffering abuse for years but I’ve had to hide the abuse from everyone as it’s my shame for putting up with it for so long. It’s a secret which I’ve tried to keep buried deep inside myself but it’s now come to the surface after my dads death. I’ve been trying to hide marks from everyone by wearing really thick makeup and always wearing long sleeves even during summer in 44 degree heat. I believe I’ve been able to hide it all from everyone but now I’ve reached my limit.

To try to avoid the worst of the abuse I’m sleeping in my car which is keeping me a bit safer as the nights are the worst. It’s been so cold that I’ve been lucky to get more than 2 hours sleep a night. I’m just so tired. I’m still with my husband as I believe I deserve the abuse. Maybe if I’d let him do whatever he wants to me he wouldn’t hurt me as much.

I feel like I don’t deserve anyone to care about me after years of name calling and being put down. I believe that I’m worthless and maybe looking at me does make people ill. Maybe I am lucky to have my husband. I’ve tried to get a counsellor but where I live they don’t want to take on new clients. I’m just really struggling with the awful thoughts that are going through my head.

I’m just so very sad about everything. I’m starting to wonder why I bother continuing on with my life when there’s nothing to live for anymore. My dads death has made me realise that without the close bond we had I now have no one else to talk to.

My mother isn’t someone I can talk to as we never got along. My dad was the person that was a buffer between us who stopped us fighting. I understand she’s grieving too but it’s different with her as she’s already talking of dating again even though she was married to my dad for 51 years.

I’m sorry about the length of this post but once I started opening up about the awful things I’m experiencing it all just came flooding out. It feels so good to be able to talk about my life anonymously. Thank you for listening.

[monkey_magic]

Emo,

I hope I don't offend you and I want you to keep writing in so other community members can assist you.

I'm finding your posts disturbing. The way you are thinking isn't correct or sensical. You think you have chosen your fate or that fate has been chosen for you but you are so wrong.
This isn't your fate. You are in fact on the wrong path in life.
You are accepting degradation, humiliation and punishment. This isn't normal.
Girl, you need to get a grip, realise you have human and social rights and enforce them.
Why would you think your cowardly husband loves you? Are you serious?
You fall into the same trap over and over.

You have received excellent advice on the forum but you aren't taking necessary action...you are putty in his hands.

I really hope U find it in you to get him charged, and free yourself.

I'm afraid the only other option you have is ...well...I'm sure you know.

This isn't right. I don't like how unsettling this whole situation is and I really think you are woman enough and have the potential to make necessary changes. We are holding your hand so you are not alone.

So many woman become statistics. This is not your fate.
You have it wrong. Please listen and action the advice of the community.

Also keep letting us know what's happening as we are interested and care about what happens to you.

🙏💖

[Emo]

Hi Monkey Magic,

I appreciate your comments but I can't deny that they shocked me. I'm really trying to keep myself safe but I'm so twisted by him, every time he talks to me that I don't know what is the right thing for me. He uses my dad and his memory to force me to do things as he knows how much I loved my dad and how I would never want to disappoint him.

He told me that my dad would be very upset with me if I divorced. He said I would break his heart. He knows the way to completely mess with me. Even so I'm still worried about upsetting my dad. I hope he would understand but I'd never spoken to him about the abuse as I didn't want to worry him or make him see how much of a failure I was.

I've been hiding the abuse from everyone for years now due to the shame of everyone knowing how weak and pathetic I am. I need help to work out how to move past the shame and how to ignore what he is saying to me. The verbal abuse I am experiencing at the hand of my husband is a lot worse than the physical abuse. At least with the physical abuse I can take pain tablets and get medical help or look after my injuries myself. I'm getting quite good at fixing my injuries, it's the only thing I can proud of myself for. The verbal abuse has affected me so badly that I wonder if I can ever come back from it. My husband knows exactly what to say to me to force me to do what he says.

I know I can't just leave him as I'll be talked back into going back to him. I need real help to plan my escape and to have some shelter when I leave him. I've tried before but I can't be homeless again. I need a place to stay thats safe and I need to cut all communication with my husband. If I talk to him I'll be talked into going back to him, I'm not strong enough to fight the urge to go back. I know it's hard for others to understand but I do still love him. Maybe I love the person he used to be but I still have hope of him coming back to me.

I realise I need to stop posting as I'm a lost cause right now. I'm unable to help myself or think clearly as the abuse is so bad. I have a bit more time as my husband got called into work unexpectedly so he didn't hide his device from me before he went. I still can't find my phone but I can chat online. I'm going to reach out for help again from 1800Respect as I know I can't cope with my life the way it is anymore but I need a plan. I need their help to know how to safely leave as I don't want my husband charged. I don't think he means it.

Regards,

Emo.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Emo, 

We have privately emailed you some support and crisis accommodation links and options so please check your email when you get a chance. We are so so sorry to hear what a difficult time you are going through with your husband. You are not weak or pathetic; rather, you are in a challenging situation. You are doing your best. We agree that calling 1800 RESPECT and getting help to try and leave is a good idea. 

Please continue to post on the forums and reach out for support. We are always here to listen and we are so glad that you decided to speak up. By speaking up, you have taken the first step towards a better life. 

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Emo,

We're still here for you whatever you decide to do - however, I agree with Monkey in not feeling comfortable with your justifications in accepting the treatment you receive.

You realise your husband has stolen everything from you - from the roof over your head (which you have funded), to manipulating your assets without consent, to destroying your womanhood, and right down to your very soul and dignity. Sorry to disagree, but I feel you have paid an extraordinarily high price to secure a marriage that has offered no tangible benefits you could not have provided for yourself on your own terms.

The notion of burden applies less to you than it does your husband - you have been the breadwinner, maintained financial affairs, tended to your husband's needs, and sought no acknowledgement save for the hope that you be given a reprieve from abuse. As for 'costing him money', alcohol is not cheap (particularly when consumed in large volumes) and your equity in the relationship is funding his personal indulgence at the expense of your essential rights. Somehow this doesn't really add up to me.

But I am not you, and appreciate you have been subjected to intolerable treatment since losing your father and subsequently your job - those lifelines overcame your private life ordeal and kept you, for want of a better description, in control.

Now, however, your only 'life support' is toxic, and drinking from this well seems preferable to not drinking at all - on this, I also disagree. You appear to accept abuse as a positive insomuch as you are, for the duration, the centre of your husband's attention - this is unhealthy and an extreme distortion of the concept of love from a woman desperate for any sign of affection. Having believed the coercive negative comments that you are of no value, a burden, and unlovable, you lack resolve to confront your husband over injustices and continued exploitation. The lack of support networks (also at the behest of your husband) reinforces your disempowerment, thus supporting the delusion in his favour.

As always, you must ensure your continued health and safety and, despite you being correct in having shelter, I doubt you are receiving adequate support from your husband - to love, honour, and obey in sickness and in health applies equally for you as it does toward you.

I hope you will learn to respect yourself in time to seek a future you truly deserve.

Kind regards

t.

[Emmen]

Emo,

I am going to be brutally honest here. I don't think you're as helpless as you say you are. You tell us you're twisted by him, but you come here to this forum and acknowledge the abuse. ABUSE. That is the word you use as well. That means you know what is happening to you. You tell us that your husband uses your dad's memory against you. It seems like you know very well his techniques for emotional manipulation.

You know exactly what he is doing. You know how ridiculous his words are, you know how despicable his actions are. You come here and acknowledge that to us. Yet you continue to live in the same house as him. 

All the love and concern our members have showed you will be for nothing if you become another statistic. We don't want you to suffer, we don't want you to die at his hands. But we cannot do anything except to tell you that and hope that you take our advice.

Your dad loved you and you know it. Do you really believe your husband when he says that your dad would be sad if you divorced? I'm certain he'd be heartbroken to know what his daughter was going through. If we, who don't even know you, try this hard to get you to leave your husband, what do you think your dad would do, had he known?

Stop making excuses for your husband and leave that house. You need medical help. Go back to the hospital. Then insist that they call the police and make a report against your husband. This is no time to be nice to your ABUSER. Transferring your car to his name is not the act of a person who "does not mean it". You think you should accept abuse in return for a roof over your head? We've already told you to go to a women's shelter where you will NOT have to accept abuse in return for a roof over your head.

It's time to face the fact that he does not love you at all. Your dad loved you. Your husband didn't. Learn what love is from your dad's behaviour to yourself, not from these fantasies you've created about your husband.

I'm sorry if this is harsh. I want you to reflect on the lies you've been telling yourself about your husband's behaviour. If you won't save yourself for you, at least do it for your dad because he wouldn't have wanted to see his precious daughter become another man's daily punching bag.

- M

[Emo]

Hi Sophie M,

I'm so sorry for my late reply but I have been taking a break from posting to give myself time to reach out for help from a domestic violence agency. They have been so kind to me. They understand my commitment to my marriage but they are trying to work with me on what I could have in my life if I'm ready for it. They are helping me with a plan to keep myself safe while I am currently living with my husband but they are also helping me with an exit strategy.

I confronted my husband which was probably the biggest mistake of my life but I just decided that my life was not worth living so I had nothing to lose. I chose when he was sober, I won't go into what I said but I mentioned some of the abuse and my dads death and he went silent. I mentioned that he could get help, I mentioned a place he could go but he hasn't spoken to me since so I'm not sure what he's planning to do. I'm holding strong, he needs to get help or I will have to consider leaving.

I'm so grateful to everyone for their words of wisdom and their advice. I know that everyone is only wanting the best for me. I needed the last few posts from some community members who were giving me some tough love to realise that what I'm 'putting up with' is not what I deserve. I deserve a pain free life, I'm not there yet but with the support of other kind people like the community in the forum and the kind staff of Beyond Blue I know I will get there one day.

I'm so sorry for distressing any of the community members by my reluctance to face the reality of my situation. I know everyone only wants the best for me.

I'm not sure what the next stage of my life will look like but I know I need to keep myself safe and to make myself a priority. I deserve more in my life. I'm scared of starting over but if that's what I need to do I will have to do it. I've never been on my own, I went from living at home to getting married and moving in with my husband without ever really living my life on my own. I've never made my own decisions, I was always told what to do. I guess I need to learn how to be myself on my own, how do you do that?

I'm sorry this is a long post but I've had so much take place in my life. I feel some hope in my life for the first time in a long time, it feels good.

Regards,

Emo.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Emo,

Thank you for posting here and letting us know how you are doing. We are so glad you took some time to reach out for help from a domestic violence agency. That's so brave of you and we are very proud of you. It is great that this agency seems to understand your situation and is helping you with a plan to stay safe in your current situation and coming up with an exit strategy as well. Well done! Please continue to work closely with the domestic violence agency and also continue to reach out to other support services such as 1800 RESPECT or our Support Service to talk to friendly, caring counsellors any time.

You have our support and we are here for you.

[Emo]

Hi Sophie M,

Thank you for caring about me and my safety. I'm in a really bad place today. I've had a really bad time with my husband which has broken my heart as I really hoped he would change and therapy would help. I guess I have no choice now I will have to leave.

My emotions are all over the place at the moment especially concerning my dad. I just miss him so much. I'm just so angry today. I don't know why. I'm angry and hurt and broken. I'm the one person who's never angry. I'm not sure what's wrong with me but I don't like how I'm feeling.

I just want to end the pain. I'm just too tired to keep being strong. I want someone to be strong for me for a change. I'm just exhausted. I'm trying to hold on as I hope these feelings will pass. I just want to be free. I'm not really sure what I want.

I just really miss my dad. I want him back. I thought time heals all wounds. It seems to hurt more now than it did when he passed away. I'll just keep trying. I just want to know when the pain will end?

Regards,

Emo.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Emo,

Wow, I was impressed when you said about confronting your husband... and he went silent? I'd strike this up as a win and something you needed to do many years ago. Pointing out his contribution to your misery was a good way of turning the tables of blame - your husband is the one with the problem, not you.

You have offered the ultimatum and although not speaking to you, your words would be stirring constantly giving him cause to think. Does he love you enough to make the effort for your marriage? Much depends on the outcome and you have placed your trust in him for coming to terms with his obligations - this takes courage and will require reinforcement since he is not likely to accept this on first utterance. Reprisals are to be expected, but you must hold to your resolve and be aware that you are in control - you have the option to stay or go.

Thinking about the influence of your father, he must have offered the caring love that your husband never did - you need your husband desperately to fill that role now that your father has passed, and this has not been forthcoming; leading you further into grief for what is lost, and despair for affection denied. Anger is understandable - even necessary, when being treated poorly, as a sign of self respect that maintains your boundaries (which also indicates you are coming to an awareness of the injustice).

With the sad passing of your father, you are seeking those finer qualities to provide the comfort and reassurance you had become accustomed to - true, you may have traded some of these emotions in lieu of demanding devotion from your husband which has ultimately lead you to this crisis; but the fact remains that you cannot sustain the relationship on these terms any longer - change in some fashion is compulsory.

Recognising the things you can change, and those that are beyond your control or desire, will offer you direction and purpose. Your father lives on in your heart and you can draw on his inspiration anytime you wish.

It's going to be a bit of a roller coaster ride, but carry on - you have the strength to overcome.

Kind regards,

t.

[Emo]

Hi Tranzcrybe,

Thank you so much for reaching out to me. I really appreciate your wisdom and valuable advice. Today has been a challenging day for me as my husband has broken his silence with me, it was the worst its been for a while. I had hoped that his silence would mean that he would think about the pain he has caused me but it has just made the abuse worse. I'm not sure how much more I should accept from him before I say enough is enough. I'm still working on my exit plan with the Domestic Violence agency so it's not ready yet.

I'm trying to keep myself safe but what for? I feel like I have nothing left to live for in my life. I am so lost without my dad in my life. I appreciate your advice regarding the loss of my dad, you made some great points that I had never realised before. I know there is no way that my husband could ever replace my dad as my dad would never even consider raising his hand to hurt anyone let alone a woman. I miss his love and care.

Some days I want to join my dad in heaven as he is the only person who ever really cared about me. The relationship we had was a very close bond. I tried again to talk to my mother over the phone as my husband left my phone out accidentally. I tried to tell her what my husband is doing to me. I was so upset  that I have decided I need to distance myself from her for a while. I also mentioned how I was really missing my dad (her husband) and she said that I need to just forget him and move on and that I should never mention his name again. She also said that I will have a new dad shortly. He's only been gone a few months and she's already looking at replacing him. Just thinking about that breaks my heart.

I would do anything to bring my dad back. I feel like I would be better off if I was with him. The daily pain I am going through would no longer be affecting me. I would no longer have to feel like a failure in my life and especially in my marriage. I would finally have true peace, safety and happiness. I'm trying to find things to stay alive for but the reasons for going far outweigh the reasons for staying in the miserable life I have. I'm not sure if leaving my husband will make things better or not? I guess the increase in the abuse is pushing me to have these awful thoughts. I just want to be safe. I don't know what else to do?

Regards,

Emo.