Will I ever recover from my dads sudden death *Trigger Warning Domestic Violence*

[Emo]

Hi Everyone,

I’m not sure where to start. It’s been two months since the sudden death of my dad and I feel more heartbroken now than when he first died. I feel like I’ll never recover. It’s like I’m drowning in grief. His death has made me face the other things that I am experiencing in my life like domestic violence being perpetrated by my husband.

I’ve been suffering abuse for years but I’ve had to hide the abuse from everyone as it’s my shame for putting up with it for so long. It’s a secret which I’ve tried to keep buried deep inside myself but it’s now come to the surface after my dads death. I’ve been trying to hide marks from everyone by wearing really thick makeup and always wearing long sleeves even during summer in 44 degree heat. I believe I’ve been able to hide it all from everyone but now I’ve reached my limit.

To try to avoid the worst of the abuse I’m sleeping in my car which is keeping me a bit safer as the nights are the worst. It’s been so cold that I’ve been lucky to get more than 2 hours sleep a night. I’m just so tired. I’m still with my husband as I believe I deserve the abuse. Maybe if I’d let him do whatever he wants to me he wouldn’t hurt me as much.

I feel like I don’t deserve anyone to care about me after years of name calling and being put down. I believe that I’m worthless and maybe looking at me does make people ill. Maybe I am lucky to have my husband. I’ve tried to get a counsellor but where I live they don’t want to take on new clients. I’m just really struggling with the awful thoughts that are going through my head.

I’m just so very sad about everything. I’m starting to wonder why I bother continuing on with my life when there’s nothing to live for anymore. My dads death has made me realise that without the close bond we had I now have no one else to talk to.

My mother isn’t someone I can talk to as we never got along. My dad was the person that was a buffer between us who stopped us fighting. I understand she’s grieving too but it’s different with her as she’s already talking of dating again even though she was married to my dad for 51 years.

I’m sorry about the length of this post but once I started opening up about the awful things I’m experiencing it all just came flooding out. It feels so good to be able to talk about my life anonymously. Thank you for listening.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Emo,

At least you are not on the streets, but it comes at such a high price.

I am concerned for your injuries and wonder if you could contact a home visiting GP (bulk billed) for an out of hours check up (use the locator to see if they are in your area) :-

https://homedoctor.com.au (ph: 13SICK, or download the app)

Your husband's threats are thoroughly inappropriate - particularly in your present condition (most of which is attributable to his own actions). As the 'healthier' partner, what's stopping him getting some work, or providing food, or just giving it a rest and taking care of you? You are better than this and entitled to peace within your home.

If possible, find your own 'safe room' - one you can lock from the inside until the rage subsides. If your husband passes out, use his phone to call police (I would also tie his arms and legs in the interim as he shows no restraint). Alternatively, grab some money, credit cards, car keys, and get far away (or to police station or hospital) - the abuse will never end, as you have witnessed.

Although you think too little of yourself to take the necessary action, please consider all those who will need your experience, assistance, and compassion in the future - you owe it to them and yourself to rise above your present inhuman treatment. Our worth is in what we can do for others - you have so much to offer.

Stay safe, Emo.

t.

[Emo]

Hi Sophie M,

I have to be quick as I don't have long. He's passed out drunk so I'm safe for a while. I'm hoping he sleeps for a while now.

I'm going to contact the places you recommended but I know I need to have a fair bit of time to webchat with them. It would be wrong of me to contact them then stop the chat abruptly.

Thank you everyone for your advice, I'm so sorry I can't reply individually. I feel like I'm letting everyone down.

Regards,

Emo.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Emo,

Please bear in mind that there is no pressure on the forums to respond - you can respond when, and how, you feel most comfortable. We have contacted you privately to offer you support.

It's great to hear that you will be in contact with the organisations. We would recommend that you do chat with them, even if you do end up ending the chat abruptly. It's better to have the support than to not.

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Emo..

Please don’t ever think you are letting us down...As our lovely Sophie has said...their is no pressure at all on these forums...Only when you feel up to posting and you know that you are safe to do so...,We are sitting with you sweetheart and will continue to do so for as long as you need us...and then some more...

Please...Emo ...your most and highest priority right now..is to look after you..and stay as safe as you can....That is also very important to us as well....your health and safety...

You’re doing all you can to get yourself safe...and hopefully away from your husband... I am very proud of you for trying so hard...

We are here for you...and not going to leave your side...

Please stay safe precious lady...

Sending you my care with a hug 🤗.....if that’s okay...

Grandy...

[Emo]

Hi Sophie M,

I don't understand what I'm doing wrong that is making my husband abuse me like this. I know I'm pretty worthless at the moment as I don't have a job. I know I'm a burden to him. He crushes the last of my spirit when he says you're a piece of trash who doesn't deserve to live. I hope he doesn't mean it, it must be the drink talking for him.

I don't think he truly wants me dead or does he? I don't want him to get in trouble as I probably deserve every bit of abuse he inflicts on me. My husbands probably right, if I wasn't so ugly he wouldn't be made to do the things he does to me. I used to think that I wasn't that bad looking but now it's clear to me that I should be grateful that my husband was willing to accept such an ugly person. The physical abuse has been pretty horrific tonight, I won't go into detail but I will say each night it seems to be getting worse. I'm not sure why? I'm honestly doing my best to continue to fight for my survival but the physical abuse combined with the incredibly hurtful verbal abuse is torturing my soul.

Despite all of the abuse, I still feel like I should love him. My mothers words from when I last had a conversation with her are still ringing in my ears. You married him so you need to honour your vows. She also said that the minute I married him I gave away my rights as the man is always right. She went into detail about how I should let him do what he wants with me as I gave him my body when I married him.

I'm so confused. I'm not emotionally prepared to ask the police for help yet as I had a rather bad experience with them once that has me terrified of dealing with them any more. I'm so sorry, I'm trying to stay strong for everyone but I'm sadly losing the battle. Maybe I should just stop fighting. I'm so sorry this post is full of questions, I'm just really struggling with the abuse and my acceptance of it. Maybe it's time I just accepted my life the way it is.

Regards,

Emo.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Emo,

We have contacted you privately to check in on you and offer support. We are so sorry to hear you are in such a bad place right now. Please know that this abuse is not your fault and you absolutely do not deserve it. You mentioned you are reluctant to ask the police for help because of a previous negative experience. We are so sorry that you had such an experience that left you terrified of dealing with them. Please know though that police can be of help and it is their duty to provide you with assistance, especially in the situation you are in right now.

It is extremely important that you keep yourself safe. We know how difficult things are for you and that you may feel like you deserve what is happening but please know that those voices are not true. You are a worthy, valuable person who truly deserves a safe and kind environment free from abuse. Please stay strong as you have been all this time and keep connecting with us. We are here for you and want to help you.
 

[Emo]

Hi Sophie M,

I'm so grateful to you and your caring supportive staff members for reaching out to me. I hope that you know how important you all are in keeping me going. The pain of what I'm going through really makes me question what I've done to deserve everything I have to deal with. Your kind comments and words of support really help me to see that I do deserve better. My problem is that the verbal abuse I'm suffering is twisting my mind. My husbands getting worse with the level of abuse hes inflicting on me. I don't feel comfortable in discussing my problems with the police as I'm really very scared of them. I know I need to try to reach out for help as I'm not sure how much longer I can cope with the abuse.

I'm still unable to use my phone but luckily I can use my husbands device. Its my only lifeline to the outside world. He's cut me off from using the shower to wash, he's cut me off from using other things as I'm supposedly a waste of space. He calls me some horrific names now as I'm just costing him money. The sooner I get a job the better, I'm not sure how I'm supposed to get a new job if I'm not allowed to look for jobs.

I'm hoping that I might be able to ask for my phone back from my husband as I would need it to apply for jobs. I'm unable to pay for my phone so I'm not sure if he will agree to giving it back to me. It would make it so much easier to contact the support services for help. I really want to contact your support services but without a phone it's impossible. I wish I could have a chance to talk through what I'm experiencing. I'm hoping that I could contact 1800Respect online without my husband knowing.

If I don't get away from my husband soon I'm terrified that I never will. I don't want to become another statistic, I'm committed to my husband as I married him but I never agreed to be abused by him in every way from sexual abuse to financial abuse to verbal abuse to physical abuse.

I found out that he's been doing some illegal things regarding my assets. I've just discovered that he has changed the ownership of the car to himself. He must have forged my signature. The car insurances now in his name and the cars now registered to him. I'm not sure when he did it as I never signed anything and he usually goes out only for more alcohol or for a few hours of work. Maybe it was something he has been planning for a while so that if I escaped he could get me arrested while driving my own car. I'm not sure how to fix it.

Regards,

Emo.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Emo,

Thank you for posting on the forums and letting us know how you are doing. We are so sorry to hear that you are in tremendous pain and that your husband has been doing illegal activity with regards to your assets. We have reached out to you privately again because we are concerned for your safety. It is understandable that the verbal abuse is twisting your mind. You need to keep reminding yourself that these negative words and thoughts are false and that you are valuable and worthy person. You have been very brave and strong all along.

Things are very hard right now but there are solutions available. Please do connect with 1800 RESPECT via webchat and if you can find access to a phone, call them and our Support Service to talk to a counselor who can provide you with further options and solutions. It is very important that you get yourself to a safe place.

You do not deserve any abuse from your husband or anyone else. We are here for you and want to help you through this incredibly difficult time. Please keep checking in with us and as we have mentioned before, please do contact support services so that you can find your way to safety.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Emo,

What you are experiencing extends well beyond marital disunity - your very human rights are being denied with deprivation of basic necessities.

Clearly, your husband only sees value in what you provide for him - a resource to be ransacked and exploited. This does not constitute a marriage, but rather a subversive corruption of the institution leading you to feel degraded to the status of 'possession'.

Your mother's words are out of context in that you are receiving no love or respect in return. Giving yourself completely is a mutual obligation in marriage, but not one premised on fear or terror. The fault lies not with you, but with the provision of a safe and supportive environment by your husband; and this, sadly, has been grossly abused to unfair advantage.

The issue with your car is concerning, as I fear your husband may be transferring everything into his name prior to leaving you destitute. As you are no longer a financial asset to him, he may already be planning separation/divorce and your silence and unwillingness to report is only contributing to your loss. Have you contacted Women's Legal Service? To protect yourself, you should seriously consider taking affirmative action without delay.

Try hard, Emo.

t.

[Emo]

Hi Tranzcrybe,

Thank you for your advice regarding the position I'm in, I really appreciate it. My car was the last asset I had in my name. Now that I no longer have anything left, I've been giving everything a lot of thought. Without my job or anything to start a new life with I've realised that I need to try to accept my husbands actions as a part of my life.

My husband spoke to me and I've realised that I need to stop trying to fight my fate. He's right, I'm a burden to him. I used to be the provider in the relationship and now without a job I need to find other ways to compensate my husband for the stress I am causing him. His abuse is just one part of him. I guess he's right that I do deserve to be punished for the cost of providing for me.

I'm so sorry but I'd better go, part of my punishment includes letting him do what he wants with me. I guess it's a small price to pay for having a roof over my head. As long as I don't fight him I should be ok. Maybe he does love me after all. I need to just stop fighting and surrender to him. I'm so very sorry but I've got to face my fate. I'm just so very tired and I'm in too much pain to think straight.

Regards,

Emo.