Will I ever recover from my dads sudden death *Trigger Warning Domestic Violence*

[Emo]

Hi Everyone,

I’m not sure where to start. It’s been two months since the sudden death of my dad and I feel more heartbroken now than when he first died. I feel like I’ll never recover. It’s like I’m drowning in grief. His death has made me face the other things that I am experiencing in my life like domestic violence being perpetrated by my husband.

I’ve been suffering abuse for years but I’ve had to hide the abuse from everyone as it’s my shame for putting up with it for so long. It’s a secret which I’ve tried to keep buried deep inside myself but it’s now come to the surface after my dads death. I’ve been trying to hide marks from everyone by wearing really thick makeup and always wearing long sleeves even during summer in 44 degree heat. I believe I’ve been able to hide it all from everyone but now I’ve reached my limit.

To try to avoid the worst of the abuse I’m sleeping in my car which is keeping me a bit safer as the nights are the worst. It’s been so cold that I’ve been lucky to get more than 2 hours sleep a night. I’m just so tired. I’m still with my husband as I believe I deserve the abuse. Maybe if I’d let him do whatever he wants to me he wouldn’t hurt me as much.

I feel like I don’t deserve anyone to care about me after years of name calling and being put down. I believe that I’m worthless and maybe looking at me does make people ill. Maybe I am lucky to have my husband. I’ve tried to get a counsellor but where I live they don’t want to take on new clients. I’m just really struggling with the awful thoughts that are going through my head.

I’m just so very sad about everything. I’m starting to wonder why I bother continuing on with my life when there’s nothing to live for anymore. My dads death has made me realise that without the close bond we had I now have no one else to talk to.

My mother isn’t someone I can talk to as we never got along. My dad was the person that was a buffer between us who stopped us fighting. I understand she’s grieving too but it’s different with her as she’s already talking of dating again even though she was married to my dad for 51 years.

I’m sorry about the length of this post but once I started opening up about the awful things I’m experiencing it all just came flooding out. It feels so good to be able to talk about my life anonymously. Thank you for listening.

[Emo]

Hi Sophie M,

Thank you for your advice and everyone for their support. I'm in a really bad way right now. I tried to leave and it went very badly. He has crushed the last bit of spirit I had. I thought my plan to leave was a solid one that was discussed with 1800Respect. I tried to do it the safe way but he must have sensed what I was planning. I just want him to stop. I'm so sorry that I've let everyone down by not being able to escape. I'm just so down, I've got no more energy to fight him any more. I'm so sorry. The excruciating pain I'm in is making me question why I bother continuing to live when I'm just in so much pain with no way out. I had hope but now it's gone. I'm just so down right now. I guess I deserve to feel this bad as I should have never tried to leave. I deserve the pain and the abuse. I'm not sure what to do any more. I have no energy left. I'm so sorry I've really tried. I'd better go back before he realises I'm not beside him in bed. I can't take much more tonight. I'll try to work on accepting this as my fate as having hope has caused me to go through such horrific abuse.

Regards,

Emo.

[Ggrand]

Dear Emo...

I am sorry but I’m going to be a bit blunt with you..

When your husband is in the shower, toilet or asleep...walk out your front door...go to your neighbour or anyone in your street..tell them you need help..call the police and have him arrested....You have injuries to prove his abuse to you..hospital records to prove your abuse....

Once he is being questioned by the police..grab what you need..clothes, your car...and seek refuge at the shelter..with an avo on him...he cannot go near the refuge nor contact you once you’ve done this..or he will be arrested again...

Anyone even a stranger will help you if you say your husband has been abusing you and you need help...Ask if you can call the police from there home.....I am 100% sure they will not refuse you.....

Start fighting for your freedom, your life and you..Please!..don’t accept his treatment of you anymore..

He doesn’t own you..he is not a human, he is a monster..who needs to be taken away from society...

My kind thoughts with my care.

Grandy..

[Emo]

Hi Grandy,

Thank you for your tough love but it's a bit harder than I'm letting anyone know. He doesn't leave me alone unless he passes out drunk which even then he locks the door and keeps the key so I can't get out.

I think I'd better stop reaching out for support from anyone including the lovely community members until I've finally left home or I've reached the point of not caring at all what happens to me any more. I will then reach out to everyone to say goodbye.

I'm so sorry, he's got me so messed up. I'm not sure what to do but I need to deal with it on my own. Its my problem, I should just keep it to myself. I'm so sorry to have bothered anyone.

Regards,

Emo.

[Ggrand]

Hello Emo...

Please don’t stop reaching out here...

Sounds like he is keeping you a prisoner...and that is again against the law....

True story I’m going to share..My friends granddaughter went to Sydney with her husband..he planned it all for a week end away...They get their with his wife My friends granddaughter and my friends little great grand daughters...

After the first night..he took their shoes, phone, away from them and locked the door..when he went out...and when he was their...When he was showering one night she found the keys opened the door then ran to reception with her daughters...The police was called! Photos taken of his wives injuries..The police went to arrest him..but he done a runner...In the mean time my friends granddaughter and her children were taken to the police station..and made a charge against him.....

The police then immediately took the family and placed them in a safe house...(yep they do exist)..After they found her husband...Charges were pressed he was arrested..where he stayed in jail until his court...His wife and family stayed in the safe house until he was sentenced....He got 11 years for kidnapping...She got a divorce..the police helped her move into her own place in an area she felt safe...

She is now happy and living a good life..

This was covered by the media and they followed his court appearance and sentencing...it was in the papers for a few weeks...both in the big Sydney papers and our country papers.....This is true..it really happened to my best friend..I am very close to her granddaughter and helped the family to kind of pick up the pieces of their lives...

I am just so worried about you..and wanted to help you find that little bit of hope and courage that I know you have..Hope never leaves us sweetheart...please search deep into your beautiful heart and soul and don’t ever let it go....

I care about you dear Emo...a lot...and only want the very best for you..

My care, love and hugs lovely friend..

Grandy..

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Emo,

Until you accept for yourself that your marriage is a sham, without passing judgment on yourself or even your husband, you will remain in an oppressive and subserviant relationship - and yes, this is your choice which ultimately makes it your problem.

You are a caring person to a fault, and have a suppressed identity and self worth. Although you have made several worthy attempts to seek assistance, I feel you may have stopped short of expressing the full extent of the atrocities measured out to you, leaving the authorities with limited grounds to act on your behalf. Again, this is up to you, and to receive help you must be prepared to be completely forthcoming.

Yes, you are in an invidious position, and the dreams you had for a loving marriage are far from the reality, despite your efforts to appease and support. I believe you recognise the improbability for improvement but have lost the will to pursue a life of substance through asserting individuality and self improvement - this applies equally to being with or without your husband.

Whenever you are being physically abused, call 000 by default as you have no means of defending yourself. Give your statement objectively, and let the authorities determine the necessary course of action. They will assess your injuries and request necessary care.

Make a list of everything your husband has done to you over the years, add to it, and study the absurdity of what you tolerate. Make another list of everything your husband does for you, and assess the value of the relationship. Perform a financial audit of contributions and assets to see if this 'balances'. Perhaps make one more list on how you have contributed to the breakdown of your marriage (yes, action and inaction are equally valid points) and take stock of the situation.

Once you start respecting yourself, you may think and act differently; for your future happiness, and for all those you encounter beyond, I hope you will take the time to reflect. We are all here for your support, Emo, and you are no burden too hard to handle. You can speak your mind without offending anyone here and I trust you will avail yourself of this glimmer of support while dealing with the unpleasantness.

Still much work to do if you can muster the fortitude, Emo.

Take care,

t.

[Emo]

Hi Tranzcrybe,

Thank you for saying you will stand by me. It means so much to me. I don't have long until I'm in danger but I wanted to thank yourself and others for giving me some tough questions I need to ask myself. I was hoping to be able to contact 1800Respect again for some advice but I need to be able to use my phone again and it's too dangerous for me to try to do that.

I think what I'm really struggling with is how much I hate myself and how much I think that I deserve the abuse. I get so low after he beats me so badly that I question why I fight to stay alive. The pain I am enduring on a daily basis is too much to bare sometimes. I just want someone to come and rescue me and say it will be ok now. But it will never be ok.

I wish I could have the courage to fight against him and escape but I don't.

Please wish me luck that I make it through another day.

Regards,

Emo.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Emo,

Thank you once again for keeping us updated on your journey. We are sorry to hear you are struggling and in such distress.

Our support service is trying to reach you via email as we are worried about you. We'd also encourage you to reach out once more to our friends at 1800-RESPECT.

Please keep checking in to let all in the community know how you're getting on whenever you feel up to it.

[Emo]

Hi Sophie M,

I'm so sorry for my late reply. I'm in a very bad way right now, both physically and emotionally. I was caught using my phone as I tried to call a DV support service. I was then going to call your support service but I was abused quite severely. I'm not sure how I can get out of the house now. Without access to a phone I'm stuck here. He doesn't know I still have access to his iPad. He thinks he hid it from me but thank goodness I know where it is.

I can only be a few minutes as he's locking me in rooms now when he's not there. I don't know what to do to get some safety. My emotions are all over the place at the moment. I'm questioning what I've done to deserve the severe abuse. I'm trying so hard but I'm lost right now.

With every violent attack I feel a piece of my heart breaking. I hope he feels guilty and decides that he needs to stop attacking me but its just getting worse. I thought if I didn't stand up to him and if I just let him do what he wants to do to me I would be not beaten as badly but its not the case.

I'm sorry I'm just really down. I was hoping I could reach out for some support from fellow community members. My husbands gone out to get heaps more alcohol so my night will be horrific. I could really do with some kind words to get me through it. I know I don't deserve anyone's care as I'm a worthless piece of trash that is useless for anything except being used as a punching bag.

He's also threatened to kill me if I don't get a job soon. He's cut off most of my food as he says if I'm not giving him money I shouldn't be costing him anything. I'm wondering if he would let me get out and try to go to a charity to get food. I'm not sure if you can use those places if you are living at home.

I'm just really hungry, I guess I should just be grateful that I'm not living on the streets. I'm so sorry for whinging I'm just in an incredible amount of pain. I'll try to find something in my life to be grateful for. I guess I should be grateful that any man would be willing to touch such an ugly disgusting thing. I deserve everything he does to me. I guess I'm grateful for my husband or I guess I should be.

Regards,

Emo.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Emo, thanks for keeping us posted. 

We're so sorry to hear of the stress and abuse your husband has inflicted on you today. Of course, you are welcome to reach out to our community. We are all here for you. We're also sorry to hear your husband has restricted your food. You are eligible to receive food from charities even if you are living at home (https://www.foodbank.org.au/homepage/who-we-help/individuals/?state=vic). We'd urge you to get in contact with the Safe Steps Live Web Chat Support or the 1800Respect Web Chat . Chats are anonymous and available to anyone experiencing or afraid of family violence regardless of age, gender, sexuality or gender identity.  We've also sent you a private email as we're worried about you.
 

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Emo..

If you can break the window..get out and go to the police..if not this time then next time...You don’t deserve the treatment he is giving you...The quicker you realise your worth..and that you deserve respect..the quicker you can get out of your situation...If I had your address I would ring from my place...and wouldn’t think twice about doing it...

I feel hopeless because I can’t help you except by my words..Sweetheart you need to do the actions required to get you out of their...and quickly.. He is so very wrong..surely you can see that..if it was your friend going through all what you are...What would you tell them?...

Would you tell them they deserve this treatment..No..would you tell them to stay with him..No...Would you tell them to reach out to the police..Yes..

Please Emo..He doesn’t own you...please do whatever and however you can to get out of the house...he doesn’t deserve you..or anyone...he deserves to be punished for his crimes...You deserve to be free from harm, each and every day..

I am so deeply sorry that I cannot help you...That I can’t take you away from him...I really am sorry and I wish I could help you so much..

My love and hugs to you dear Emo..💜🤗

Grandy..