Will I ever recover from my dads sudden death *Trigger Warning Domestic Violence*

[Emo]

Hi Everyone,

I’m not sure where to start. It’s been two months since the sudden death of my dad and I feel more heartbroken now than when he first died. I feel like I’ll never recover. It’s like I’m drowning in grief. His death has made me face the other things that I am experiencing in my life like domestic violence being perpetrated by my husband.

I’ve been suffering abuse for years but I’ve had to hide the abuse from everyone as it’s my shame for putting up with it for so long. It’s a secret which I’ve tried to keep buried deep inside myself but it’s now come to the surface after my dads death. I’ve been trying to hide marks from everyone by wearing really thick makeup and always wearing long sleeves even during summer in 44 degree heat. I believe I’ve been able to hide it all from everyone but now I’ve reached my limit.

To try to avoid the worst of the abuse I’m sleeping in my car which is keeping me a bit safer as the nights are the worst. It’s been so cold that I’ve been lucky to get more than 2 hours sleep a night. I’m just so tired. I’m still with my husband as I believe I deserve the abuse. Maybe if I’d let him do whatever he wants to me he wouldn’t hurt me as much.

I feel like I don’t deserve anyone to care about me after years of name calling and being put down. I believe that I’m worthless and maybe looking at me does make people ill. Maybe I am lucky to have my husband. I’ve tried to get a counsellor but where I live they don’t want to take on new clients. I’m just really struggling with the awful thoughts that are going through my head.

I’m just so very sad about everything. I’m starting to wonder why I bother continuing on with my life when there’s nothing to live for anymore. My dads death has made me realise that without the close bond we had I now have no one else to talk to.

My mother isn’t someone I can talk to as we never got along. My dad was the person that was a buffer between us who stopped us fighting. I understand she’s grieving too but it’s different with her as she’s already talking of dating again even though she was married to my dad for 51 years.

I’m sorry about the length of this post but once I started opening up about the awful things I’m experiencing it all just came flooding out. It feels so good to be able to talk about my life anonymously. Thank you for listening.

[Ggrand]

Dear Emo...

No sweetheart we are not angry with you at all for going back to your husband...I am really sorry that you did..especially knowing the type of person he is and what he is capable of doing to you....

Emo, There is so much support these days to reach out and get help..When I was going through similar to you..I didn’t know about the availability of support..If I did 100% certainly I would have reached out for it...You and anyone else does not deserve to live a life of abuse...There is help out their for you..Please start thinking of yourself and look after you by continuing to reach out for it...

The minute you walked in the door..you seen the hate in his eyes..that proves he has no love for you...He hurt you again after he knew he put you in hospital...Please call the police and charge him for assault, you have proof from your last hospital stay, plus the injuries you sustained off him when you returned home...He does not deserve you at all...He deserves to be in jail...

We cannot do anything from here Emo...I wish we could..but we cannot...and that’s heartbreaking for us...We want you to be safe...right now you are scared for your life..When he has a shower, take the keys to your car, and drive away without looking back...

As our lovely monkey magic said..go back to the hospital..even stay their and not leave until you can get some help....You need to do something to keep you safe...

Please...Leave..Of course you can get medical help, Everyone is entitled to it...We all make mistakes..but we need to learn from them...Go to the hospital if you need to..you’ve just had surgery a couple of weeks ago..you’ve spoken to the social worker last time you were there.,they know what’s going on...they should never have released you in the first place knowing you will be living on the streets...they won’t do it again this time..

My kindest thoughts with my care.

Grandy..

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Emo,

I'm not angry with you, Emo, and can appreciate the strong pull toward getting you home (from both sides, given the turmoil you have faced) - your husband rules your life and you have never had any independence, been allowed autonomy to develop social networks, or needed to fend for yourself.

I feel, however, that you have not returned home inasmuch as you have surrendered yourself come what may, and I am fearful for your well being still.

Could you consider obtaining some assistance at home (an advocate or social welfare advisor) to provide rudimentary checks, and intervention as necessary, to ensure your safety as well as rehabilitate unacceptable behaviours?

You can (and probably should) continue reaching out to women's support groups to involve as many services as possible, and have a 'safety pack' at the ready with important papers, and possessions all packed for emergency departures in future. Keep a photo record of your injuries as well as emails and text - even maintain a journal to add and reflect upon.

Your experience has earned you much knowledge from which you can build confidence and certainty. I hope you can employ this to great effect upon reclaiming your health.

You have done nothing wrong, Emo, and my support for your health and happiness continues unabated.

Take care and remain vigilant.

Kind regards,

t.

[Emo]

Hi Monkey Magic and others,

I'm so grateful for everyone's support and for forgiving me for going back. I was in so much pain both physical and emotional that I just couldn't stay on the streets any longer. I never thought that I would be going from one abuser at home to one on the streets.

I've reached out to 1800Respect for help via online chat. This time I was more sure of what steps I need to take. Although I'm getting abused quite badly multiple times a day I am working on planning my escape.

I've been spending my time trying to find my legal papers. I've found most of them. I see the house is in his name even though I paid for almost all of it. It looks like I will lose my house.

I've found where he's hidden my phone so I'm replying with it while he's sleeping off the massive amount of alcohol he drank last night and today. I keep hoping he will stop drinking but he doesn't. The drinking makes the sessions of physical, verbal and sexual abuse worse.

I really need to seek medical help again as I think he's broken a couple of bones. I'm quite sore but this time I'm determined that when I leave I will not come back. I will have my papers, my phone and my car and car keys.

I also need to find some money. I'm hoping there might be a stash somewhere that he might have. I think he owes me that. I hope everyone can see that I'm really trying. I'm in so much pain that I must search for pain tablets that I might have at home.

I know I need to get to the hospital but I'm holding out on going as I'm not sure I'm ready to have that conversation again with the staff there. They will blame me for going back and they will have every right to do that but its so much harder than they realise.

Please everyone I'm trying. I'm so grateful for everyone's guidance and advice. I also truly want to say thank you to Beyond Blue support staff for reaching out to me. I'm using the resources when I can.

I really want to try to reply to other peoples posts but I feel like they would be better off without my advice. Maybe I will try to help others when I'm more stable. Thank you.

Regards,

Emo.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Emo,

I'm determined that when I leave I will not come back. I will have my papers, my phone and my car and car keys - Preparation, yes. I like your mindset.

"I see the house is in his name even though I paid for
almost all of it. It looks like I will lose my house."
- You will have at least a 50% financial share of assets, so all is not lost.

"They [hospital] will blame me for going back and they will have every right to do" -
Remember, you were discharged into an unsafe environment. You should be blaming them and seeking restitution.

"I really want to try to reply to other peoples posts but I feel like they would be better off without my advice" -
Your present priorities are well in order, Emo, and I am confident you are tackling matters more on your own terms now.

Stay safe and in control.

Kind regards,

t.

[ecomama]

Dear Emo

There's nothing to forgive. Please forgive our society for not doing MORE to help you.

Forget about anyone else, this forum is here to help YOU too and you need help right now most urgently.

I'm SO PROUD of you contacting 1800RESPECT, you can give them your name if you choose, this way they can stay updated on your situation and provide more succinct support when you call each time... USE THIS SERVICE please whenever you can / need to.

If there's anywhere safe you can take important paperwork to, please do.

You'll need:
* your birth certificate
* a copy of your marriage certificate
* see if you can print out 3y of mortgage statements (if you can't print, then I / we can help you with another way)
* See if you can get statements from ANY other joint bank accounts, if there are any joint ones.
* the name of his Superannuation if it's safe to do so.
Probably more...

Emo have you done the following?
- opened a new email address with a password H cannot guess
- got a spare key to your car hidden somewhere you can access

Lots of questions sorry! ....

Is your car in YOUR name? If not then there could be issues if you take it...

Please phone Legal Aid for a free appt, listen to their 30 min Family Law talk and then they can support you later with the financial side at least.
As long as H has not accessed them first!
If he has then they support him.
Get in first..

You ARE entitled to a share of the house value AND a % of Hs Super if he has more than you. This can be done with the Support of Legal Aid later, you need to be safe first.

I don't think you would EVER say that a woman deserves this abuse, so please don't say this to yourself!
It's just not true.
No one deserves this abuse, NO ONE.

If ANYONE ever blames YOU for any of this then shut them down.
Grandy and I, at least, have a very thorough understanding of DV and we would NEVER blame you or any other victim.
We know how hard it is to get out of an abuser's clutches, believe me, we know.

You will get out I Pray. There is life after DV and you deserve a life free of DV as we all do.

Lots of love EM

[Emo]

Hi Tranzcrybe,

This will be a short update as I only have a few minutes. I've just been for some medical treatment. Its not a hospital as I was scared of how angry they may have been with me for going back to him. I was right about the broken bones. He's broken my collarbone, two of my toes and badly dislocated my shoulder.

The shoulder injury happened earlier today. That's why I begged him to let me get help. I'm hoping tomorrow I can leave him as I've found where he's hidden my car keys and I have all of the paperwork that was suggested. The car is in my name so I should be OK to take it. I'm concerned that my injuries may make it impossible to leave as I'm reliant on his help to do things for me.

I'm so glad the place I went to didn't ask any questions about how the injuries happened as I'm scared and embarrassed to tell anyone.

I'm really trying to get away from him. I'm sorry this post is probably all over the place. I'm feeling very overwhelmed at the moment. I'm starting to shut myself down from feeling anything as I'm in a terrible amount of pain right now. I'd better go, its not safe to keep talking.

Regards,

Emo.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Emo, thanks for reaching out this afternoon and updating us on your situation.

Please know we are all here for you. We’re so glad to hear you visited the doctors today, that must've been very stressful but it was important to get your injuries checked. We’re sorry to hear your husband dislocated your shoulder this morning, we can’t imagine the stress and pain you must be under. We acknowledge how overwhelming the prospect of leaving your husband must be. Do you feel it would be worth speaking to a 1800RESPECT counsellor again before tomorrow? ( 1800 737 732) Maybe they could provide you with some advice on how to safely leave the house? It might also help ease the stress of it. 

We’d also recommend you read through the 1800Repsect “Safety Planning Checklist”. There could be some useful ideas on there to help things run smoothly tomorrow. 

We are all here thinking of you. 

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Emo,

With a mixture of admiration for your objectivity and utter abhorrence at what you endure, thank you for keeping us updated on your progress. I hope you were able to also obtain pain killers from the medical centre as sleeping will be difficult with your specific injuries.

I agree, leaving may be premature given the circumstances - and surely your husband would not have the audacity to inflict further harm in your present state?

When safe to do so, please check that your car has not been disabled (check that it starts) and has some fuel.

You are extremely courageous, Emo, and I wish you every success. My thoughts for your comfort and safety are with you during this ordeal.

Take care,

t.

[Emmen]

Hello Emo,

I'm so angry with your husband for abusing you again. But I also see that you know now that he will never change. You saw hate in his eyes, not love. And I hope this means you know that you must leave him, because there is no reason to stay.

Going back to him was a mistake, but I have no doubt about your courage because it took courage to go back knowing you'll be abused again. I know you have it in you to leave, for good this time.

Go back to the hospital if you can, Emo. You're not safe in the house, not with your injuries. And take the car this time.

My thoughts are with you.

- M

[ecomama]

Dear Emo

Your H could go to jail for doing this to you.

At the very least you could get an AVO if you saw the police in this state.

But safety first.

Well done for getting the paperwork!

If you can check before you leave whether the phone is in HIS sole name?
If so then you'll have to get a phone bec it's likely he'll cut that one off asap or even keep it going to track you (sorry if that scared you) but knowledge is power.
And / or a person can KNOW all the websites and calls / texts you make.

You DO need to leave ASAP.

We'll be here supporting you for as long as you need or want our support.

I'd go immediately to a Women's Shelter.
They'll know how to support you in person, which is what you need most.

NB: Stats tell us it takes and average of 17 attempts to leave before a woman leaves a DV situation for good. This means some try alot more than this.
Be one of those women who brings the stats down Emo.

Your life is most definitely worth so much more than this.

Here for you.

Love EM