Will I ever recover from my dads sudden death *Trigger Warning Domestic Violence*

[Emo]

Hi Everyone,

I’m not sure where to start. It’s been two months since the sudden death of my dad and I feel more heartbroken now than when he first died. I feel like I’ll never recover. It’s like I’m drowning in grief. His death has made me face the other things that I am experiencing in my life like domestic violence being perpetrated by my husband.

I’ve been suffering abuse for years but I’ve had to hide the abuse from everyone as it’s my shame for putting up with it for so long. It’s a secret which I’ve tried to keep buried deep inside myself but it’s now come to the surface after my dads death. I’ve been trying to hide marks from everyone by wearing really thick makeup and always wearing long sleeves even during summer in 44 degree heat. I believe I’ve been able to hide it all from everyone but now I’ve reached my limit.

To try to avoid the worst of the abuse I’m sleeping in my car which is keeping me a bit safer as the nights are the worst. It’s been so cold that I’ve been lucky to get more than 2 hours sleep a night. I’m just so tired. I’m still with my husband as I believe I deserve the abuse. Maybe if I’d let him do whatever he wants to me he wouldn’t hurt me as much.

I feel like I don’t deserve anyone to care about me after years of name calling and being put down. I believe that I’m worthless and maybe looking at me does make people ill. Maybe I am lucky to have my husband. I’ve tried to get a counsellor but where I live they don’t want to take on new clients. I’m just really struggling with the awful thoughts that are going through my head.

I’m just so very sad about everything. I’m starting to wonder why I bother continuing on with my life when there’s nothing to live for anymore. My dads death has made me realise that without the close bond we had I now have no one else to talk to.

My mother isn’t someone I can talk to as we never got along. My dad was the person that was a buffer between us who stopped us fighting. I understand she’s grieving too but it’s different with her as she’s already talking of dating again even though she was married to my dad for 51 years.

I’m sorry about the length of this post but once I started opening up about the awful things I’m experiencing it all just came flooding out. It feels so good to be able to talk about my life anonymously. Thank you for listening.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Emo,

Yes, I guess my suggestion does sound a little frightening, but not as much as you fending for yourself on the streets for any extended period, without medical aid or supervision, is to me.

My thoughts are only to assure your continued health and safety.

I do hope you can find emergency accommodation soon and that you are contacted without delay - from there, I believe you shall be able to rebuild your life with the right support base behind you.

Take care, Emo.

Kind regards,

t.

[Emo]

Hi Sophie M,

Thank you for reaching out to me. I know you will be so disappointed in me but I'm just in so much pain and so exhausted and I'm still terrified after what happened last night that I can't cope with what's happening anymore. I was going to my current sleeping spot late last night when a guy started following me, I won't go into detail about what happened but it's made me realise that I can't keep doing this as its too dangerous.

After the incident last night I went back to our house and my husband. I didn't go inside the house though, I just used the front verandah to sleep on. I couldn't go in even if I wanted to as I don't have any keys as he took them off me when he last took my car keys. I just needed a safe place to stay where there was a very low chance of me being assaulted. I got a few hours sleep but I made sure I left early this morning so I wasn't caught by him.

I'm trying really hard to keep myself safe and protect myself from being hurt by him but I'm still getting hurt either way. I can't see a way out of my situation. I'm trying really hard not to give up but after last night it's made me question everything. I'm not sure if I can fight it any more. I'm so sorry. I feel like I'm letting everyone down but the pain is too much to deal with.

Regards,

Emo.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Emo,

We're so sorry to hear about the encounter you had last night, we can hear how terrifying this must have been for you. Please know that you deserve to live in safety and without fear- and we'd really urge you to keep reaching out to 1800RESPECT and emergency shelters. We are also currently trying to reach out to you through email as we are really concerned for your wellbeing.

You have shown so much strength in continuing to reach out to your friends on the forums, and please know that we are all here to help support you. We can hear that you are really trying, and doing your best to keep safe and protecting yourself from harm. We'd urge you not to give up, and please do continue to reach out when you can. As well as 1800RESPECT, our friends at Lifeline are available 24/7 on 13 11 14 to talk these feelings through when it's feeling like too much to cope with. If you ever feel unsafe, we'd also recommend reaching out to police.

We're all here for you, Emo. Please keep reaching out both on the forums, and to these crisis lines, whenever you are able to.

[Emo]

Hi Sophie M,

I'm trying to stay safe but I'm in a lot of pain right now. I think I need some medical help but I don't have a phone to ring on. Does anyone happen to know how to reach out for help from the hospital via online. I don't feel well enough to walk to the hospital but I urgently need some help. I think I have a really high temperature

Whatever I've got is affecting my breathing as well. I'm just so tired as well. Maybe I just need to go to sleep forever. I wish I could do more to help myself, I'm just in so much pain. I'm so sorry.

Regards,

Emo.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Emo

We're so sorry to hear that you are in pain and feeling unwell right now. We're concerned about your wellbeing at the moment, so we are reaching out to you privately.

[ecomama]

Dear Emo

I'm sorry for the situation you're in atm. And yes you DO deserve all the love and support from the beautiful BB members.

You deserve alot more from the services you are reaching out for help from. That makes me really angry.

You may be able to go to a Public Library and join Facebook.
Then join The Red Heart Foundation.
You will need a NEW email address with completely different passwords etc.
This an entirely voluntary group of women helping women get out of abusive situations.
They help in ANY way they can.
They can help with accommodation and even help set you up in your own place.
They've done it in a day many times.

They help with Legal advice but you have Women's Legal Service number and they are beyond BRILLIANT.

It's time you contacted the refuge again and BOOKED IN FIRMLY.

Also please go to a Church Food Pantry. I know the Seventh Day Adventist Churches have a free Cafe you can eat at for as long as you want to. I've done this.
They also provide food.

You've been great opening up here about what's been happening to you.
Please get used to telling your story.
You will have to repeat it so often and over time it gets less triggering

Please tell the Churches you visit for food that you are homeless and need accommodation.

Centrelink can give you emergency payments. I know you're exhausted but you need this money.
And a phone.
You can ask to speak with a Centrelink Social Worker mine was wonderful.

I've most certainly been in your situation and I know we had strong commitments to our marriages and husbands. Tbh they aren't worth it.

ALSO please change your passwords etc on your Superannuation!
Give them your new email address.
Please apply for the $10k you can get right now.
Tbh I believe your situation warrants you to get out money any time.

At ANY time I urge you to contact a Police Social Worker, mine was wonderful.
You don't have to press charges or take any action but they are there for you to support you in getting out of a DV situation.
You can press charges but that may come later if H continues.

Once you get a safe place of your own, that your H must never know the address of, we can begin to help support you through the legal processes to get your things back etc.

Stay safe
EM xxxx

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Emo,

"Does anyone happen to know how to reach out for help from the hospital via online"

- There are still some public phone boxes around, if you can find one, to ring 000 - AMBULANCE/POLICE.

- Alternatively, ask in any shop, anyone in the street, or knock on someone's door to call on your behalf.

Place your faith back in the hospital system, for your health at least.

You are continuing to do your best and have shown determination to make a change - no one could ask for more; however, in your condition, you need intervention. Once recovered, you will able to embark on the future you seek.

Please stop punishing yourself - this is not the solution. Priority is to seek medical attention.

Act promptly, Emo.

t.

[Emmen]

Hi Emo,

You're so brave, keep staying strong.

Please call 000. Apart from the suggestions tranzcrybe has offered, I believe you should be able to make the call from your phone even if you can't make regular calls on it as triple 0 is an emergency number.

If you're afraid to approach people on the streets, try going into a cafe and asking the staff there to contact 000 for you. Let them know you're very ill and can't breathe, have left an unsafe situation with no possessions and need an ambulance.

Take care, Emo.

- M

[Emo]

Hi Sophie M,

I'm so disappointed in myself for letting myself get so sick. I was very sick as I have an infection which they say has turned toxic. I was lucky that someone found me and realised something was wrong.

They called the ambulance. They were able to give me some antibiotics and some pain killers. They also arranged for the local pharmacy to give me a full box of each for free. I was so worried about having no money to buy them but I was putting my life at risk.

I'm so scared of people knowing that my husband abuses me and that I'm homeless, that I'd rather die than tell people.

I guess I am trying to punish myself as I don't feel I deserve to be happy. I don't feel like I should hope for anything different than the abuse I've been suffering for years. I want to feel like I matter.

I'm back on the streets again but I'm feeling a bit better as my temperature has gone down as I've stopped sweating as much. Unfortunately the two organisations I was to visit for help will be closed tomorrow due to public holiday.

They were going to offer me help regarding accommodation and some other things like getting emergency money and working on getting access to my own accounts and hopefully getting some things from my house back, maybe even my car but I think he will say that's his car.

I guess its more important to be safe and broke than be with him getting badly abused every day and have my material possessions. I'd better go as I'm getting tired, it will be good to sleep without the incredible pain I've been in.

I'm so sorry I haven't replied to everyone yet but I have limited time to post so I have to also search for help in that time. I'd better go now, please always know that I'm really trying, I just sometimes fall.

Regards,

Emo.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Emo,

With all the things you are juggling at the moment, I think you must be superhuman to still find the time to reply to this thread. Thank you for fighting on and finding understanding and acceptance for your feelings on your own terms - you need all your strength to accomplish this and cannot afford to allow your health to decline.

"... help regarding accommodation and some other
things like getting emergency money and working on getting access to my
own accounts and hopefully getting some things from my house back, maybe
even my car but I think he will say that's his car."

That's great news Emo, you need this foundation from which to build. Your car? If registered in your name, then YES; access to your money - absolutely, and like EM said, contact you financial institutions place your money into your name.

"I guess its more important to be safe and broke than be with him getting
badly abused every day and have my material possessions."

I like your thinking - money can always be earned, but health and safety...

Speak up more, Emo, silence is not your ally.

Kind regards,

t.