Will I ever recover from my dads sudden death *Trigger Warning Domestic Violence*

[Emo]

Hi Everyone,

I’m not sure where to start. It’s been two months since the sudden death of my dad and I feel more heartbroken now than when he first died. I feel like I’ll never recover. It’s like I’m drowning in grief. His death has made me face the other things that I am experiencing in my life like domestic violence being perpetrated by my husband.

I’ve been suffering abuse for years but I’ve had to hide the abuse from everyone as it’s my shame for putting up with it for so long. It’s a secret which I’ve tried to keep buried deep inside myself but it’s now come to the surface after my dads death. I’ve been trying to hide marks from everyone by wearing really thick makeup and always wearing long sleeves even during summer in 44 degree heat. I believe I’ve been able to hide it all from everyone but now I’ve reached my limit.

To try to avoid the worst of the abuse I’m sleeping in my car which is keeping me a bit safer as the nights are the worst. It’s been so cold that I’ve been lucky to get more than 2 hours sleep a night. I’m just so tired. I’m still with my husband as I believe I deserve the abuse. Maybe if I’d let him do whatever he wants to me he wouldn’t hurt me as much.

I feel like I don’t deserve anyone to care about me after years of name calling and being put down. I believe that I’m worthless and maybe looking at me does make people ill. Maybe I am lucky to have my husband. I’ve tried to get a counsellor but where I live they don’t want to take on new clients. I’m just really struggling with the awful thoughts that are going through my head.

I’m just so very sad about everything. I’m starting to wonder why I bother continuing on with my life when there’s nothing to live for anymore. My dads death has made me realise that without the close bond we had I now have no one else to talk to.

My mother isn’t someone I can talk to as we never got along. My dad was the person that was a buffer between us who stopped us fighting. I understand she’s grieving too but it’s different with her as she’s already talking of dating again even though she was married to my dad for 51 years.

I’m sorry about the length of this post but once I started opening up about the awful things I’m experiencing it all just came flooding out. It feels so good to be able to talk about my life anonymously. Thank you for listening.

[monkey_magic]

Hi Emo,

I've slept on the streets before. I hope it doesn't come to that but if u do have to do it temporarily find somewhere hidden to sleep. You'll feel safer and you won't be exposed. For example I slept inside a bush, in very long grass, under a house. While you're doing that keep calling places that have emergency accommodation and tell them you are sleeping on the streets due to domestic violence.
I'd also call the police and ask them if they know of any refuges. Say you are sleeping on the streets due to domestic violence.

There are a lot of refuges around that people don't know about.

I've stayed in refuges before. They help you with food, clothes, support etc.

[Emo]

Hi Monkey Magic,

I'm sorry, I'm not sure how long I have as I'm borrowing a shops connection and device to post so I don't have long. I've had a pretty rough day, I'm now officially living on the streets. I appreciate your suggestions about how to be safe on the streets as I've never done anything like this in my whole life. My day started OK as I knew I would be leaving the hospital, I wasn't able to sleep at all last night as I was so scared about leaving but it was mainly about my ability to keep myself safe from my husband and to not go back to him.

I thought I'd safeguarded myself against him knowing about me leaving and where I was going but I was wrong. I'd already asked about getting the money on Saturday I believe from the hospital said they would loan me for a taxi as I'm still in some pain so walking long distances hurts. I then asked them for that today and they said that's not something they do. I mentioned that I was approved for it so it shouldn't be a problem. The lady I was speaking to then went off.

She came back a short time later and said my husband would be picking me up. I couldn't believe it, she had contacted him without seeking my permission first. I'd had him taken off as my next of kin so I'm not sure where she got the number from. I got so upset as I'm doing all of this to avoid him knowing when I'm getting out and they go ahead and tell him. I started to panic as I can't see him yet. I had to tell another person that he abuses me and I can't talk to him or see him.

I'm so sick of telling people what he's put me through, it's embarrasing. I told her that I need to get out asap for my safety, I had to sneak out a back door so he didn't find me and hurt me. I'd already checked the paperwork for my release, like Tranzcrybe suggested. There was no mention of either of the things suggested. I said was it possible to discuss what they normally do regarding my issue. They said that as long as I get escorted off the premises and I can walk, once I'm outside the building that's where their responsibility ends. I was surprised that they weren't concerned that I had nowhere to go.

I'd better go as the shop wants to close. I'm terrified of being on the streets tonight but I guess it could be worse, I could be back with him getting very badly abused. I guess this is the price I have to pay for temporary freedom.

I'll see if I can borrow a device to keep in touch and to keep searching for accommodation options. I'm so tired.

Regards,

Emo.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Emo,

We're so sorry to hear that the hospital was not able to better assist you to leave the hospital into a safe situation. We're concerned about your wellbeing at the moment, so we are reaching out to you privately.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Emo,

I think the hospital's actions were unethical in regards to Safe Patient Discharge. You have alerted them to being abused by your husband and expressed concerns for your personal safety. Your Care Plan was not suitably discussed or accepted by you (or amended to reflect your terms) and you were led to believe things would be done for you that were subsequently reneged (ie, money for transport).

Their callous response, while technically correct, was insensitive to your situation and requests for assistance. Not respecting your wishes to avoid your husband is yet another breach of trust.

Were you offered a right of review with a Patient Liason Officer? (The social worker may also have assisted in this requirement). Were your concerns given due credence? Did you feel you were being listened to?

And of your condition - do you require dressings, stitches removal, or access to clean/sterile equipment, in addition to the pain medication and antibiotics? If so, you should head to your (or any) GP to assist you further, and speak up about your hospital visit, treatment, and abuse, constantly - 'squeaky gates receive the most grease'.

Hopefully, you have already had a call from Sophie, and some action has been instigated for your safety.

A steep learning curve for you, Emo. I hope you find shelter, and in the next day or so, be receiving the safety and care you deserve.

Take much care of yourself and rest as best as you can for now.

Kind regards,

t.

[Ggrand]

Dear Emo,

I ams really heartbroken for you..

I echo transcrybe words to you..The hospital done wrong by you...They should never had discharged you without someone to take you home and care for you..

Emo...If you go to a St. Vincent De Paul shop, they can help you with a food voucher and some clothes...not much I know..but it’s a little something to help you...

Please lovely lady...look after you the best you can....

Grandy..

[Emo]

Hi Grandy and everyone else,

I'm currently borrowing a device from some kind people in a restaurant along with their free wifi so I can reconnect with the caring and kind community forum members. I'm not doing so great, I received a kind email from the people here at Beyond Blue to contact them by phone but as I unfortunately don't have access to my phone as its at my home I am unable to phone anyone. I was only borrowing one while I was at the hospital.

I haven't been able to sleep very much as I'm unable to find a very safe place to sleep. I'm scared of going to sleep and waking up to find someone attacking me. It scares me a lot. I shouldn't be complaining as I'm safe from my husband until he finds me, that's what terrifies me.

I'm just really hungry and tired and cold. I'm very grateful to the restaurant staff for letting me stay in their restaurant to keep warm and to use their device. They are giving me glasses of water which I'm very grateful for as I need the water to take my pills. I'm just about out of tablets for the antibiotics. I've run out of the pain relief tablets so the pain is really kicking in. I hadn't realised how bad it was until I didn't have anything to get rid of the pain.

I'm sorry for complaining as I know there are people who are worse off than me. I'm just so tired and hungry and cold. I'm going to see someone from an organisation tomorrow to see about getting some help with food as you all know I have no money so I'm relying on the kndness of others to survive. I'd better go as I don't want to annoy everyone on the forums with my problems. I'm so grateful to everyone for their concern.

Regards,

Emo.

[monkey_magic]

Hi Emo,

Oh my gosh what a woman you are.

I really hope you will be able to get into a refuge or emergency accommodation soon. I don't like you feeling cold, unsafe, tired, hungry and in pain.

The only way I could sleep was when I was hidden from the elements, like under a house, inside a bush etc. I know how scary and challenging this way of life is. You deserve more so I'm really hoping you can find somewhere soon. You deserve to be cared for.

I'm so disappointed at the hospital. I thought they would have at least been able to find you somewhere safe to go to because of your situation.

Don't be sorry for complaining, let us know how you are going as we want to help.

There's a number you can call if you find yourself homeless, I remember having to call that number myself. I'll have to send it in another post ( need to find it first) or lifeline 131114 or the BB line could give it to you.

I'm really sorry that things are so tough at the moment Emo....I'll continue to pray for you find accommodation soon.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Emo,

Thank you for keeping us in your thoughts as you battle the many obstacles of food, shelter, pain, mental anguish, grief, and uncertainty.

Without a phone, you will be at a serious disadvantage for contacting support services, police, ambulance, etc., and equally be unavailable when receiving replies. Please ask for a police escort to safely collect clothing, documents, food, money, phone, car, as you are extremely vulnerable and still under the control of your husband. At least ask a chaperone (neighbour or any kind soul) to accompany you if you are returning home to retrieve your belongings - this will ensure your safety.

Do not forgo pain medications and see your GP or return to the hospital. I believe you are indirectly harming yourself through deprivation (voluntarily or otherwise) and should consider contacting the suicide prevention hotline 13 11 14 advising your behaviour and situation. In such instances, you may find yourself hospitalised 'against your will' but it is the help you need given your current mental state and medical attention required.

Please act on this, Emo, as you need some base from which to work on your recovery.

Continue to seek help wherever you can - you can get through this.

Kind regards,

t.

[Emo]

Hi Tranzcrybe,

Your post terrified me, I don't want to be hospitalised against my will. I think I might be best to pull back from getting help from medical providers as I don't want to lose control of my life. I'm really trying to do the best that I can.

I know the easiest thing would be to go back to living with my husband but I can't do that anymore. I'm so tired but I'm still having the bad dreams which are forcing me to relive the horrific abuse he subjected me to. I've promised myself that I won't go back to that if I can help it. I'm trying to get myself to safety.

I've been to an organisation today who could help me with some food. As I'm homeless I got them to give me things I don't need to cook. I really appreciate the help that they gave me. I've found a spot to hide myself but it's still in a dangerous spot. It's not too far from where my husband occasionally works so there is the threat of him finding me. I'm trying to hide elsewhere during the day and only return there at night.

I hope to able to reach out again tonight as I think I can reborrow a device later tonight. I'm really trying to help myself. I'm not able to go to the Dr as I don't have money to pay for the appointment. I also haven't got the money to buy the medicine.

I'm not trying to sabotage myself, I'm trying to plan for my future but it's just really hard with no access to a phone or money to try to find more support.

I'd better go and see what other help I may be able to access tomorrow. I promise that I'm really trying, I'm just so exhausted.

Regards,

Emo.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Emo,

We don't doubt that you are trying the best that you can, it shines through in your posts. We're sorry to hear that this process is so complex and so exhausting, we think you are so strong. We recognise how difficult the situation you are in is. 

We would strongly urge that you do continue to seek help from medical providers as required. It would be awful to see you become unwell due to lack of medical care. Some doctors bulk-bill - if you need help finding a bulk-billing doctor in your area, this can often be googled (when you do have access to a device) and the services you are seeking homelessness support from will also have this information.

Community centres and churches are also sometimes able to offer some form of support. Remember the helplines, especially 1800RESPECT, as these will usually have the best advice.

We hope you can find a safe place to land tonight. Our community is behind you.