Will I ever recover from my dads sudden death *Trigger Warning Domestic Violence*

[Emo]

Hi Everyone,

I’m not sure where to start. It’s been two months since the sudden death of my dad and I feel more heartbroken now than when he first died. I feel like I’ll never recover. It’s like I’m drowning in grief. His death has made me face the other things that I am experiencing in my life like domestic violence being perpetrated by my husband.

I’ve been suffering abuse for years but I’ve had to hide the abuse from everyone as it’s my shame for putting up with it for so long. It’s a secret which I’ve tried to keep buried deep inside myself but it’s now come to the surface after my dads death. I’ve been trying to hide marks from everyone by wearing really thick makeup and always wearing long sleeves even during summer in 44 degree heat. I believe I’ve been able to hide it all from everyone but now I’ve reached my limit.

To try to avoid the worst of the abuse I’m sleeping in my car which is keeping me a bit safer as the nights are the worst. It’s been so cold that I’ve been lucky to get more than 2 hours sleep a night. I’m just so tired. I’m still with my husband as I believe I deserve the abuse. Maybe if I’d let him do whatever he wants to me he wouldn’t hurt me as much.

I feel like I don’t deserve anyone to care about me after years of name calling and being put down. I believe that I’m worthless and maybe looking at me does make people ill. Maybe I am lucky to have my husband. I’ve tried to get a counsellor but where I live they don’t want to take on new clients. I’m just really struggling with the awful thoughts that are going through my head.

I’m just so very sad about everything. I’m starting to wonder why I bother continuing on with my life when there’s nothing to live for anymore. My dads death has made me realise that without the close bond we had I now have no one else to talk to.

My mother isn’t someone I can talk to as we never got along. My dad was the person that was a buffer between us who stopped us fighting. I understand she’s grieving too but it’s different with her as she’s already talking of dating again even though she was married to my dad for 51 years.

I’m sorry about the length of this post but once I started opening up about the awful things I’m experiencing it all just came flooding out. It feels so good to be able to talk about my life anonymously. Thank you for listening.

[Emo]

Hi Sophie M,

You are so kind for continuing to reach out to me. I really appreciate your suggestions regarding other accommodation options. I'm unable to stay with anyone from my former workplace but thank you for suggesting it.

I've contacted the housing crisis accommodation number and I've found out that there may be a possibility of a room in about a weeks time. Its unfortunately 2 hours away from where I live. I have been trying to work out how to get there but as I have no money and no car and even if I could get my car it's about out of petrol.

I also contacted Orange Door and they only have something available for a family with kids in my area. As its only myself I'm not a priority.

I understand but I just feel so defeated. I know I shouldn't complain as other people are going through worse things than me. I'm just so tired, I'm mentally exhausted. I'm ashamed to say that I've been crying for a while now as I feel like I'm trying so hard but I'm losing my battle.

I'm so tired but I have to face facts, without any money or a car I have nowhere to stay. I also contacted another agency to see if they could offer help but they are limited as they can only offer food.

That made me realise that if I can't get access to any money I also won't be able to eat. I'm going to go back to them for food if I have somewhere to cook it. I'm in trouble, I don't know what else to do.

I'm sorry, I shouldn't be complaining as I can still go home to my husband. I'm trying really hard not to lose hope but I'm not sure how much longer I can fight it for. I'm so sorry. I'm still trying.

Regards,

Emo.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Emo,

Maybe you are just not ready to step out on your own just yet.

Contact your mother and throw yourself on her mercy. Ask her to pick you up (or arrange to be sent with Medical transport) and be the mother she never was in your time of grief and now during your greatest strife. You are at your lowest ebb and surely would not be denied sanctuary? Even if she wants nothing to do with you, allowing you a room is the least she could provide to her daughter. She will be old one day and perhaps you will be placed in a similar situation - what would you do?

Whatever you decide, please rule out returning to your home while your husband is still there. Just another thought, could you dare ask your husband to find somewhere to stay while you rest and recover? Fairly audacious, but you still believe he loves you so why should he object? (he could stay with friends for a few days - and you could have the locks changed...).

I am glad to hear you are still trying and with the right attitude you are sure to succeed. If not succumbing to those negative thoughts, I would beg, borrow and steal to be where I wanted to be safe and in peace. All else is secondary.

Kind thoughts,

t.

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Emo,

I think your doing an amazing job, trying to find ways to move away from your abuser..

Im sorry..I had to step away from your thread as it is very triggering for me...Please don’t feel it’s your fault because it’s not...that’s what here is for..I’m sure I triggered some of the people here when I first joined up...and shared my journey...

I am just thinking if you could try to remain in hospital for another week, then ask if you could get patient transfer bus to take you the two hours away to keep you safe...maybe if you feel up to it..the social worker their might be able to help you...

Please don’t be sorry..about anything here sweetheart..You’re trying really hard and we are all so proud of your efforts...

I am the one who should apologise to you..because I know I came on a bit heavy and upset at times..it was only out of care for you..and I am deeply sorry if I said anything to you that made you feel worse..

My kindest thoughts lovely lady...

Grandy..

[Emo]

Hi Tranzcrybe,

Thank you for your suggestions. I have contacted my mother but unfortunately she said I need to just accept what I'm going through as part of my marriage. I can't understand why she thinks abuse is OK in a marriage, I didn't mention the sexual abuse as that is the part I'm most ashamed of.

My dad never laid a hand on her or even swore at her, he was such a gentleman. If I'm truly honest with myself my mother was abusive towards my Dad during their marriage. She used to hit him and yell at him and call him awful names. I guess I didn't realise that's what it was until my dad passed away. I wish I'd stood up to my mother but I guess I was scared of her too.

It looks like I'm getting released tomorrow from hospital. I'm so exhausted as I've barely slept with the worry of where to go when I leave. I've contacted the emergency housing number again and fully explained the urgent need for accommodation as I'm homeless as of tomorrow and even though I'm on my own with no children, I'm just getting out of hospital so I need a safe place to continue to heal, so fingers crossed that I hear some good news from them.

It's pouring rain where I live so I'm hoping I can find somewhere to stay or I will be sleeping outside in the rain. It's better than going home. The hospital will loan me some money for a taxi to take me somewhere local. I'm so grateful for them loaning me that.

I'm also able to take my pain tablets with me from here at the hospital and some antibiotics but I will need to get more, I just have to find the money to buy more. I've been crying a fair bit as I'm fairly emotional knowing that I will be leaving the safety of the hospital and going out on my own.

It scares me that I might try to take the easier option of going back to him and just put up with the abuse again. I'm doing everything in my power to make sure that never happens. I'm really trying to keep myself safe, I'm just so exhausted trying to keep things together.

I'd better go and search for other places that may be able to help me. Thank you for still being here for me. I don't know what I would do without everyone's support.

Regards,

Emo.

[monkey_magic]

Omg Emo your last post is full of common sense. I am so proud of you for thinking this way. Yay!

Your mother is totally wrong. So she's ok with the fact you were nearly killed? Shame on her.

I had a dream of you last night. I was in the hospital with undercover cops and your ex was there and I pointed him out and told them you need somewhere safe to stay because he was the one that put you in hospital. You're the first person on Beyond Blue that I've ever dreamt about.

In my dream it was really hard to find your bed for some reason. We just couldn't reach you.

But I'm really happy to hear that you're now making proactive steps towards your safety.

I'll pray that it works out for you.
🙏

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Emo,

You and your dad were kindred spirits, and I see why you miss him so much in the face of everything you are going through. I'm so sorry your mum has neither the compassion to support you while you recover, nor the decency to offer a safe place while you reconcile your marriage/life.

Before leaving hospital, please read your Discharge papers carefully - in particular, regarding your Care Plan acknowledging that you are either being...

1. returned to the care of your abuser, or
2. released with no known safe accommodation in place.

If no such thing exists, be sure to have it included before you sign anything (and keep/request a copy).

Although you may be 'on the streets', that doesn't limit your rights to things you have at home or other entitlements. You should be safe to retrieve belongings and your car.
Also try:
Women's Legal Service - a free legal advice line that runs on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 5.30pm - 7.30pm. Phone (03) 8622 0600, or 1800 133 302, www.womenslegal.org.au, email:admin@womenslegal.org.au

Remember, you can ring 000 (Police) anytime for any emergencies without phone credit.

Stay courageous, and I hope you receive a callback from crisis accommodation very soon.

Kind regards,

t.

[Emo]

Hi Grandy,

It's so great to hear from you again. You are such a lovely, kind and caring lady. I'm so very sorry that my posts were triggering for you. I really should have thought more about what I was posting but I wasn't really thinking of more than the pain and torture I was in at that time, it was selfish of me and I'm very sorry. I'll try not to discuss the abuse any more as it's probably something I need to keep to myself.

Please don't ever feel like you need to apologise to me as I sometimes needed your tough love and your wisdom from your lived experience to realise how bad things were and still are. I'm so sorry for what you went through and the struggles that have come with that. I think it will stay with me forever as it does change you. I just hope that one day I can finally be completely free from him.

Unfortunately I have to leave the hospital tomorrow. I thought I would be happy to leave here but I'm terrified of what I am going to do next. I am currently having a real struggle in my head of what to do as I'm scared to leave and how I will have to live on the streets. My mind is saying just go back to your husband as it's easier and you love him and you are married to him. My heart is saying yes you love him but can you cope with the abuse anymore? Do you want to risk your life by letting him do what he wants to with you? I'm fighting all of these internal thoughts while trying to focus on what the wonderful community members including yourself have been telling me about keeping myself safe and I'm worth more than getting abused by him.

I'm really trying so hard to fight my urge to go back to him. I haven't received any news from the crisis accommodation so it looks like they must have nothing for me. Sleeping on the streets scares me but I guess it's better than suffering abuse daily sometimes multiple times a day. A bed to sleep in is very tempting but is it worth going back to my husband for? I'm no longer able to sleep again as the bad dreams have come back worse than ever. I'm waking up screaming in pain. I can't put myself through that, remembering the vivid details of the abuse and the pain. I'm not going to sleep until I stop dreaming about it. I think that being released from hospital has brought them back on again.

I'd better go as I hope to reply to the other kind community members who are reaching out to me. I can't believe how everyones being so kind to me, I don't really deserve it but I do truly appreciate it.

Regards,

Emo.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Emo,

Thank you for letting us know how you are doing. We are so sorry to hear that you are feeling so scared and not having clarity on the next steps after the discharge. We want to acknowledge your courage and resilience despite these incredibly difficult circumstances. Your instincts about not wanting to return home to your husband are spot on and we strongly urge you not to return there. We are on your side and here to support you as much as possible. 

Please do not feel that you cannot talk about what you are going through. This is what the forums are for. Only by speaking up about abuse will you be able to find the courage and support needed to break away from an abusive situation. 

tranzcrybe provided some excellent suggestion in their post about ensuring your discharge papers acknowledge your situation and seeking police assistance to retrieve your car and belongings. If there are any options for accommodation that come to your mind, please look into them. Despite what it may seem like, you are strong and have what it takes to take care of yourself and find a solution. 

Please keep posting here to let us know how you are doing. We are all here for you.


 

[Emo]

Hi Monkey Magic,

Thank you for reaching out to me. I'm glad that you can see that I'm really trying to make positive changes in my life. I'm not sure what to say about my mother as maybe she's partially right, I did marry him for better or worse but I'm not sure where I signed up to be badly abused daily. I want safety.

How amazing is it that you dreamed about me, I'm honoured that you must care about me enough to have me on your mind. I wish you were able to come into the hospital with the police and have him arrested as I know I can't. I'm not sure what not being able to find my bed part means.

Thank you for your prayers, I will try to stay strong and keep going.

Regards,

Emo.

[Emo]

Hi Tranzcrybe,

Thank you for your kind words about my dad. I miss him so much as he would do anything he could to help me. He was the kindest, sweetest person you could hope to know.

I guess its too late to hope that my mother could change now. She just thinks that marriage is forever, which was great for my mother as my dad adored her but for me it has meant years of horrific abuse inflicted on me by my husband.

Thank you for your advice regarding the discharge papers. I will look for the care plan section. I also really appreciate the Women's legal service contact details. I've never heard of them before, I will contact them through their opening hours. I would love to be able to get my car and belongings back. Just even to know what legally I can do would really help.

I haven't slept all night as I'm so scared of what I will do when I'm released. I'm trying to stay positive but its so hard when you're so exhausted. I feel myself going down into a spiral but I have to fight on. I will try to keep going, thank you.

Regards,

Emo.