Will I ever recover from my dads sudden death *Trigger Warning Domestic Violence*

[Emo]

Hi Everyone,

I’m not sure where to start. It’s been two months since the sudden death of my dad and I feel more heartbroken now than when he first died. I feel like I’ll never recover. It’s like I’m drowning in grief. His death has made me face the other things that I am experiencing in my life like domestic violence being perpetrated by my husband.

I’ve been suffering abuse for years but I’ve had to hide the abuse from everyone as it’s my shame for putting up with it for so long. It’s a secret which I’ve tried to keep buried deep inside myself but it’s now come to the surface after my dads death. I’ve been trying to hide marks from everyone by wearing really thick makeup and always wearing long sleeves even during summer in 44 degree heat. I believe I’ve been able to hide it all from everyone but now I’ve reached my limit.

To try to avoid the worst of the abuse I’m sleeping in my car which is keeping me a bit safer as the nights are the worst. It’s been so cold that I’ve been lucky to get more than 2 hours sleep a night. I’m just so tired. I’m still with my husband as I believe I deserve the abuse. Maybe if I’d let him do whatever he wants to me he wouldn’t hurt me as much.

I feel like I don’t deserve anyone to care about me after years of name calling and being put down. I believe that I’m worthless and maybe looking at me does make people ill. Maybe I am lucky to have my husband. I’ve tried to get a counsellor but where I live they don’t want to take on new clients. I’m just really struggling with the awful thoughts that are going through my head.

I’m just so very sad about everything. I’m starting to wonder why I bother continuing on with my life when there’s nothing to live for anymore. My dads death has made me realise that without the close bond we had I now have no one else to talk to.

My mother isn’t someone I can talk to as we never got along. My dad was the person that was a buffer between us who stopped us fighting. I understand she’s grieving too but it’s different with her as she’s already talking of dating again even though she was married to my dad for 51 years.

I’m sorry about the length of this post but once I started opening up about the awful things I’m experiencing it all just came flooding out. It feels so good to be able to talk about my life anonymously. Thank you for listening.

[Emmen]

Hi Emo,

I'm glad you got yourself to the hospital and I'm relieved knowing you're safe. You're a valuable member of our community. We care very much for you and I'm hoping this is the start of your road to healing.

I'm proud of you for taking that first step and letting the hospital staff know that you're afraid of returning home. Please, don't ever feel like you cannot speak up. Your doctors and nurses know more than they're revealing. All they need is your confirmation of their suspicions and they can act on your behalf to keep you safe.

I hope your surgery goes well. You're truly a beautiful person, don't ever forget that.

Warmly,
M

[Emo]

Hi Emmen and everyone,

I'm reaching out as I'm really struggling with my feelings about my husband. I feel like I should let him know where I am, maybe he's worried about me. I would be worried if I didn't know where he was. I just don't want him to worry.

It's been a really big day. I had to have a procedure done which has left me in a fair bit of pain. When I've recovered I will have to go home to him. I guess I knew the hospital stay was only temporary, it's been nice to sleep safely in a bed where I'm warm, protected and not abused while I try to sleep.

I'm scared of people knowing the full story in the hospital so I've been wondering if I should try to say that the injuries are because I'm so clumsy, maybe they will believe that. Maybe they know the truth but I wish they didn't. I'm so ashamed of anyone knowing my secret. I don't want to go to sleep in case I have a bad dream again.

I've got a phone and I'm tempted to call him on it but then he will come and see me and talk me into going back home with him. Its happened once before when I was in hospital for an earlier session of abuse he inflicted on me. He talked me into signing myself out of hospital against medical advice. I was in quite a bit of pain with three cracked ribs and a punctured lung. I had to lie to the staff and say I'd fallen down some stairs.

I'm just so emotional and exhausted. I don't know what to do. Maybe I need to forget about leaving him. I guess I still love him. Maybe he still loves me. I'm so confused, hopefully I don't do anything I will regret in the morning. I'm sorry, I'm trying to stay strong but I'm very vulnerable right now.

Regards,

Emo.

[monkey_magic]

Dear Emo,

If you are thinking of going back it just means that you have false optimism of things getting better. They will only get worse.

Are you sure you want to keep going through the same deadly violence?

Think about it.

It's time to get angry about this.

He is your mortal enemy.

Stay away. Do not contact. Do not go back.

[Ggrand]

Dear Emo,

I echo everything that Monkey Magic has said..

Please tell the nurses, Doctors or Social Worker the truth..

If he loved you, he would have filed a missing person report..as well as looked for you...which it seems like he hasn’t...

He has groomed you to THINK you are dependent on him..YOU ARE NOT..Please do the right thing by you...CHARGE HIM WITH ASSULT!....HE DOES’NT DESERVE YOU....YOU DESERVE A LIFE OF PEACE..free from harm and abuse..

Kind thoughts with care..

Grandy..

[Emo]

Hi Grandy and Monkey Magic,

I've had a really bad night and early morning. I was rushed back in for more surgery. I'm not sure what they did to me as they had me heavily sedated due to my pain. I'll find out later today. I'm quite groggy so this will be a short message.

I've asked to speak to someone about some personal issues while I'm in the hospital. I'm not sure if it's a social worker as I couldn't remember the name to ask for. I've asked for the phone to be taken away from me as I might try to call him again. I picked up the phone to ring earlier this morning but I couldn't remember the number so I couldn't call him. Maybe deep down I didn't want to, I'm not sure.

My emotions are letting me down as I'm getting so confused by what I should do. I may still think I love him but he can't love me after he's abused me badly enough to require me to have emergency surgery. In my head I think I know that but my heart is struggling.

I need to just give all of my rights over to the hospital for them to do what's best for me. I need to fully open up to the person I will be speaking to about the extent of the abuse. I know I'm not ready to press charges against him yet. I'm not sure if I ever will be but I do need to protect myself from any further pain.

I'm so sorry that I'm struggling so much. I feel like I'm failing my marriage and the life I had planned with him but if I'm honest that also included children. Due to him and his abuse he robbed me of that chance. Even then I still stayed but I was so low then and so under his spell that I felt like he'd done the best thing for us.

I often wonder what type of a mother I would have been, probably an awful one. Maybe he was right to hurt me that way. I'd better go and rest like I'm supposed to. I can't really sleep as I'm having the awful dreams when I sleep. It feels like I'm reliving times when he's abused me. I'm so tired though so I'd better at least just try to stay still. I'm so sorry that I'm getting behind in replying to everybody individually. I'm really trying to keep in contact with everyone as I value everyone's support. I promise to open up to them in the hospital as I can't go through this again. Thank you everyone for your support, kind words and hugs. Your care and concern is what's getting me through this awful time.

Regards,

Emo.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Emo,

It sounds like you are doing your best to help yourself right now, and we think you are so strong. It's so good to hear that you plan to open up to the people caring for you in the hospital. We empathise with how emotional and confusing this time might be. Please remember that as awful as this time is, things can always improve with the right supports and protections in place.

Get some rest and focus on getting well - you are not obligated to respond to each community member personally. This is a safe space and we are all here to support you, not burden you. It's wonderful to hear that this support is helpful for you. Please remember that you are a valued member of our community, and this is a space you can return to whenever you feel capable and comfortable.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Emo,

There are many emotions rising to the surface for you now, and a Social Worker will talk you through your inner turmoil and confusion with much compassion to help you make sense of everything.

I am certain you would have made the best mother anyone could wish for, and when you are well enough, you could provide ample love and affection to an adopted child, or become a foster carer for children who have suffered like you - what a supportive role model you would be!

There are so many people out there who need and deserve you, Emo, and you deserve to be loved in return.

Take care, and thank you for being so open and honest with your feelings.

Best wishes,

t.

[Emmen]

Hello Emo,

You've been so brave all this while. Now you just need to use that courage to speak about the abuse to the hospital social worker. You can do this. You're stronger than you think you are, even in these moments of doubt. Asking them to take away your mobile was a huge step - it's a sign that deep down, you know what's best for you and you're making sure you look after yourself.

The heart struggles with every heartbreak. And he has betrayed you in the worst possible way. But trust that you will heal with time. Leaving him is a very difficult step, given how you feel about him, but this one step will ultimately save you and give you happiness in the future. It will also give you the freedom to grieve for your dad and heal. We are always here for you if you need to talk about your feelings as you heal from this.

I hope you are recovering from the emergency surgery and aren't in pain anymore.

Take care,
M

[Emo]

Hi Tranzcrybe,

Thank you so much for replying to me. It's been a pretty emotional and painful day. I finally opened myself fully up to the social worker. Thankfully we were able to talk in a private room as I'm still unable to leave my bed while I am recovering. I was trying to hold back on revealing everything I've been going through but when she asked me if I realised that he'd almost killed me, I broke down in tears. I couldn't hold my emotions back anymore. I burst into tears and I couldn't stop crying for what felt like hours. All of my feelings surfaced and I fell completely apart. I was so embarrassed as you're not supposed to cry in front of others and also the fact that my secret was out.

I'm not sure what the next step will be but the relief from completely opening up to someone about what I've been going through was amazing. I'm so grateful for your comments and your valuable suggestions and advice. Some of the questions you asked me were hard to hear at the time as I was trying to resist thinking of what I deserve and what I needed to do. I'm now open to receiving advice like I've already been given by the amazing community forum members. I realise I need to start trying to put myself first. I'm nowhere near being prepared to leave my husband as I'm still struggling with my emotions and my feelings for my husband but by opening up to someone and actually saying the words "my husband is abusing me" I've taken the first step.

I'm really trying to take steps towards getting myself to safety. I would also like to thank you for saying those lovely comments about how I would have been a good mother if I'd had children. If I'm completely honest, I often cry myself to sleep about the fact that I will never have children but you have given me hope that there is still a possibility of me being a mother. I'd better go as I'd like to try to reply to the other lovely community members as I really appreciate the support I'm receiving from everyone. I realise that other people have more problems in their life than me but I'm so grateful that people are still willing to help support me through the incredibly difficult time I'm going through. I hope one day when I'm feeling a bit better and my life is starting to sort itself out that I can also offer help to other community members by replying to their posts. I would love to be able to repay back all of the kindness that was given to me by the most caring and supportive people ever.

Regards,

Emo.

[Emo]

Hi Sophie M,

Thank you so much for reaching out to me. You are so kind and caring towards me. It's these comments and some other lovely things that other community members are saying to me that have helped me to keep going while I have been experiencing some horrific abuse. I truly at times wanted to end the pain so badly that I would have done anything to end it. I would truly like to thank everyone for saving my life. At times the pain was unbearable but with everyone's kind comments I was lifted out of the deep sadness I was in.

I'm hopeful of the possibility of a good life ahead. I know there will be more struggles ahead but I know with the community members support I can cope with what comes up. Thank you.

Regards,

Emo.