Will I ever recover from my dads sudden death *Trigger Warning Domestic Violence*

[Emo]

Hi Everyone,

I’m not sure where to start. It’s been two months since the sudden death of my dad and I feel more heartbroken now than when he first died. I feel like I’ll never recover. It’s like I’m drowning in grief. His death has made me face the other things that I am experiencing in my life like domestic violence being perpetrated by my husband.

I’ve been suffering abuse for years but I’ve had to hide the abuse from everyone as it’s my shame for putting up with it for so long. It’s a secret which I’ve tried to keep buried deep inside myself but it’s now come to the surface after my dads death. I’ve been trying to hide marks from everyone by wearing really thick makeup and always wearing long sleeves even during summer in 44 degree heat. I believe I’ve been able to hide it all from everyone but now I’ve reached my limit.

To try to avoid the worst of the abuse I’m sleeping in my car which is keeping me a bit safer as the nights are the worst. It’s been so cold that I’ve been lucky to get more than 2 hours sleep a night. I’m just so tired. I’m still with my husband as I believe I deserve the abuse. Maybe if I’d let him do whatever he wants to me he wouldn’t hurt me as much.

I feel like I don’t deserve anyone to care about me after years of name calling and being put down. I believe that I’m worthless and maybe looking at me does make people ill. Maybe I am lucky to have my husband. I’ve tried to get a counsellor but where I live they don’t want to take on new clients. I’m just really struggling with the awful thoughts that are going through my head.

I’m just so very sad about everything. I’m starting to wonder why I bother continuing on with my life when there’s nothing to live for anymore. My dads death has made me realise that without the close bond we had I now have no one else to talk to.

My mother isn’t someone I can talk to as we never got along. My dad was the person that was a buffer between us who stopped us fighting. I understand she’s grieving too but it’s different with her as she’s already talking of dating again even though she was married to my dad for 51 years.

I’m sorry about the length of this post but once I started opening up about the awful things I’m experiencing it all just came flooding out. It feels so good to be able to talk about my life anonymously. Thank you for listening.

[monkey_magic]

Hi Emo,

You poor thing. This is all getting too much.

"I've opened up my mind from a possibility of a break from him"

YES....you are correct in your thoughts.

It is way too dangerous for you to go back there. And I think you know this.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Emo,

Hope you are getting some rest and keeping warm - our posts don't require any specific replies from you (and one reply can cover many posters), just please read and find pathways to your salvation.

Oh dear, you have lost you job (and not spoken to management about your strife?). I know what this means to you, but now I am more worried by your husband's reaction to losing his financial support service.
Have you told him yet? If not, please don't - make any excuse to leave for work as usual... and head straight for protective services.

Your husband is a dependent and should be worshipping at your feet - he does not deserve you, Emo. Not only are you receiving vile abuse, it seems you have been manipulated and exploited... or not? :-

• Are you so fearful of losing your husband that you would give up your very dignity and self respect?
• Is this your understanding of a loving relationship or is it desperation to retain ownership of a spouse?
• Are you being a loving wife by allowing your husband to dictate your duties - or are you inadvertently placing too much expectation on his love for you?

I have said you are strong and committed - does your husband have the slightest notion of the power and capacity within you? Have you ever tested his love for you? Perhaps you have more control than you think.

Try to talk with your employer to seek compassionate grounds.

Kind regards,

t.

[Emmen]

Hi Emo,

tranzcrybe has taken the thoughts right out of my head and I want to you seriously think about what has been said there. You are your husband's financial support. Losing that money will only make him abuse you more. This is the time to get yourself out of this dangerous situation. Don't wait until you have sorted out your job situation because you don't know what he will do in that time.

It is clear that he is using you for his own twisted, violent gratification. He knows you will support him financially, so he works whenever he wants. He doesn't do anything for himself because he has you to make his life perfect. A man like that who so blatantly abuses his position as your husband will not act responsibly and support you when you lose your job. Don't endanger yourself even more. Leave now - especially if you cannot speak to your employer about keeping your job.

Like tranzcrybe says, we're reading all your replies to everybody with great concern, please don't feel pressured to reply us individually unless you feel that it helps you to communicate that way. You can reply us all with one post and we'd still read it.

Warmly,
M

[Emo]

Hi Sophie M,

I’m really trying to be strong but I’ve just about given up. I’m out in my car trying to stay warm but I’m so cold. I think I’ll have to go inside soon. I saw the police go past our house before a couple of times. I was so tempted to go out onto the road and tell them that I give up and please could they help me. I’m just so tired.

I’m so emotional with losing my job tomorrow. It’s all I have in my life. It’s hard for others to understand but when you have nothing but pain in your life you look for anything that gives you a bit of joy. My job gave me that joy. I loved my job so much. I told my manager about the issues I’m having with my husband and the recent loss of my dad but they’re not happy with my days off so I guess I understand that they need to get rid of me.

I’m not sure that they realise the dangerous position I will now be in. I’m terrified to tell him that I’ve lost my job as I’m the breadwinner. I will now no longer be providing for us. I can’t tell him or it would be very bad. He would then be in control of the finances as well. I don’t know what to do. I’m just so exhausted, I can’t think straight. I give up. I can’t do this any more.

Regards,

Emo.

[monkey_magic]

Hi Emo,

Call the department of fair trading and see if theyre's anything they can do to help you get your job back. It's worth a shot. It's better than giving up you've got nothing to lose by giving them a call.

Worse case scenario- you lose your job. Get onto Centrelink, who will provide you with a job agency and look for another one while getting payments. Leave the house like you're going to work every day so husband doesn't know but go and look for a job.

In all honesty I don't know how you do it...go through domestic violence and home and go to work.

I think the police going past your house a couple times is a sign. They are there to protect and help you if only you would let them. You cannot do this on your own. Plus you don't deserve it.

There's also the chance you could drive to them....??

I think your safety is very important. I really want you to feel and be safe and free from pain.

I've been through lots of abuse in the past. I know the ups & downs, highs and lows very well. I'm experienced in running from domestic violence and living in a refuge. A refuge was a safe place for me to get my head together and emotions in check. I've had psychological help and councilling. I know what it's like to live in danger to a massive extent. To not be able to sleep properly because you have to always keep one eye open. You learn lots of skills when fearing for your life. I am safe now and I'd love for you to be safe too.
I also used to sleep in my car. Make sure U are warm enough. Jackets, long pants, socks, blankets.

If you are in any immediate danger please call 000.

[Emo]

Hi Monkey Magic,

I’m so tired. I’m not sure if I can fight this much longer. I’m just exhausted. I just want the pain to be over. I’m trying to fight the feelings of worthlessness but when that’s what you’re told amongst other horrific things being done to me and said to me. I just want the pain to end.

I must deserve it as I must be a horrible wife. I don’t care what he does to me any more. I’m just hurting so much. I’m not sure what I should do any more. I need to stop trying to reach out. It’s just all too much.

Regards,

Emo.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Emo,
I can hear this is extremely difficult for you. I would like to encourage you to speak to police that you have mentioned have been around tonight, if not, please call 000 if you are at risk of harm from your husband and / or suicide.

We reached out to you via email to provide you with further support.

Regards,
Sophie M

[Ggrand]

Hello Emo..

Please..call the police..they will take you with them and keep you safe...Don’t think about..just do it...I am so very scared for you..I am remembering what I went through...You are not joined by the hip, he is a stranger that you met and married...and is now abusing you..Please call the police....

Grandy

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Emo,

Sorry your employer was so insensitive, but this may not be in accordance with your employee rights. Following on from Monkey's advice, the Fair Work Commission is the place to start:-

https://www.fwc.gov.au/search/site?query=unfair%20dismissal%3F

But right now, you are being your own worst enemy with the negative self talk. You are in mortal danger and your fatigue and current mindset means you cannot face this without intervention from authorities.

• women's refuge will perform all the steps for you while you rest and recover - you will be under their protection and care
• there is no shame in seeking help, no matter how long you have kept the abuse hidden
• people will think no less of you (more likely you will be admired for your determination) for escaping domestic violence
• you will finally be free of the pain to live a life of quality and promise for a brighter future.
  

Do not tell your husband about your job loss - you will have a small window of time (maybe a week) before he finds out for himself. By then, you must be secure in your safe haven away from the repercussions.

Please act on this now, Emo, for your sake.

Regards,

t.

[monkey_magic]

Thanks tranzcrybe,

I was trying to find out what they were called lol... though I made a mistake.

So it's the fair work commission.

Awesome advice above.

Good luck Emo.

💖🙌👣💐🙏