Will I ever recover from my dads sudden death *Trigger Warning Domestic Violence*

[Emo]

Hi Everyone,

I’m not sure where to start. It’s been two months since the sudden death of my dad and I feel more heartbroken now than when he first died. I feel like I’ll never recover. It’s like I’m drowning in grief. His death has made me face the other things that I am experiencing in my life like domestic violence being perpetrated by my husband.

I’ve been suffering abuse for years but I’ve had to hide the abuse from everyone as it’s my shame for putting up with it for so long. It’s a secret which I’ve tried to keep buried deep inside myself but it’s now come to the surface after my dads death. I’ve been trying to hide marks from everyone by wearing really thick makeup and always wearing long sleeves even during summer in 44 degree heat. I believe I’ve been able to hide it all from everyone but now I’ve reached my limit.

To try to avoid the worst of the abuse I’m sleeping in my car which is keeping me a bit safer as the nights are the worst. It’s been so cold that I’ve been lucky to get more than 2 hours sleep a night. I’m just so tired. I’m still with my husband as I believe I deserve the abuse. Maybe if I’d let him do whatever he wants to me he wouldn’t hurt me as much.

I feel like I don’t deserve anyone to care about me after years of name calling and being put down. I believe that I’m worthless and maybe looking at me does make people ill. Maybe I am lucky to have my husband. I’ve tried to get a counsellor but where I live they don’t want to take on new clients. I’m just really struggling with the awful thoughts that are going through my head.

I’m just so very sad about everything. I’m starting to wonder why I bother continuing on with my life when there’s nothing to live for anymore. My dads death has made me realise that without the close bond we had I now have no one else to talk to.

My mother isn’t someone I can talk to as we never got along. My dad was the person that was a buffer between us who stopped us fighting. I understand she’s grieving too but it’s different with her as she’s already talking of dating again even though she was married to my dad for 51 years.

I’m sorry about the length of this post but once I started opening up about the awful things I’m experiencing it all just came flooding out. It feels so good to be able to talk about my life anonymously. Thank you for listening.

[Emo]

Hi Geoff,

I’m feeling pretty overwhelmed right now. I’ve been given some great advice by some amazing people but my heart and mind are torturing me. It got worse for me after I last posted as I upset him by talking to him when he asked me a question. It takes so little to set him off.

I’m so confused. I keep reading everyone’s post telling me I deserve more but I feel like I’m lucky to have him even look at me. It’s so hard after all these years of him telling me what to do and how worthless I am. I just feel like I married him, that was the commitment I made to him.

I have been reading other posts from people who are supporting their husbands and I feel like that’s what I’m doing. I’m helping him with whatever his problem is. He must be suffering to do what he does to me. I’m just not sure when he will finally decide to truly get help with his problem.

Regards,

Emo.

[Emmen]

Dear Emo,

I want to offer you some hope of a life after you leave him. You say that he is the only person you have because you cannot have children. But after you leave him, you have a chance to heal yourself. You can get therapy and heal yourself. You can meet someone new. Someone who will love you and care for you as a loving partner should. You could have stepchildren, you could both adopt a child. There are so many possibilities for you, but you cannot limit yourself now. This situation gives you nothing but pain and sadness.

Your husband may know of the refuge, but that cannot stop you. By going there, you may get the support you need to call the police. They could also help you transfer to another refuge if the situation calls for it. Don't lose hope.

It's terrifying taking this first step, but we all care deeply for you and want the best for you. You say you're in Stage 2 (Guilt), but I hope everything we're saying is taking you to Stage 3 (Enlightenment). Not a single person here agrees with you that you deserved it. We are people you have never met, yet we care more for your wellbeing than your husband. Surely this must mean something? Can all of us be wrong? Surely not.

I'm proud of you for taking that first step in calling 1800RESPECT. It's a huge step. Thank you for doing that. But please don't give up just because he knows the refuge. I'm sure they've dealt with situations like yours before and have the necessary expertise to keep you safe.

Warmly,
M

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Emo,

You are certainly persistent and that is a sign of your strength and commitment - I respect your tenacity!

"He must be suffering to do what he does to me". I agree you are right in your thinking - your husband is battling something deep within that can only manifest itself through aggression towards you (not because of you). If he was sick, what would you do to get help for him? By letting yourself be the 'punching bag', how are you resolving his problem?

Unfortunately, you have not the capacity to speak directly of your concerns for his welfare, and as a result, he will find it difficult to express his inner turmoil voluntarily; but if you seek help for yourself, then your husband will be treated as a consequence. With counselling and guidance, you may rid your husband of these negative emotions. There will be anguish on the road to recovery but will your husband despise you (more), or thank and respect you for stepping up for his own mental health struggle?

Can you see a future when you share equal love and compassion for each other - can you see a future if you can't?

There are uncertainties no matter what you choose to do. Instead of 'wait and see', what outcome are you prepared to strive for?

Be kind to yourself during your contemplations, Emo.

Kindest regards,

t.

[Emo]

Hi Sophie M,

Thank you for reaching out to me. It’s been a really bad evening. I won’t go into details but it’s made me question how someone who supposedly loves me can inflict so much pain on me. I love him but he’s so cruel to me. I’m starting to question whether I deserve to be beaten by him. I try so hard to be a good wife. I let him do whatever he wants to me but it’s never enough.

I feel awful as I’m so far behind in replying to all of the people who have replied to me. I’ll start on that now as I’m locked in my car so I’m safe for a while. It’s very cold but I’m hoping I can stay in the car for the night even though it’s so cold. I’ve grabbed a blanket to keep me a bit warmer. I just want to be safe.

Regards,

Emo.

[Emo]

Hi Tranzcrybe,

Thank you for the last two posts you sent me. I’m sorry I’m late with my reply but it’s been a bad night. What he did to me earlier really scared me. I’m safe now in my car but the questions you raised in the earlier post that you asked me to answer to help me assess my marriage made me face the fact that my marriage is all one sided.

I do everything to make his life perfect and all I get out of it is the most horrific abuse, verbal, physical, sexual. I just want to be free from feeling pain. I’m starting to question if I truly deserve being treated this way. I need to listen more to yourself and the other kind community members who are kind enough to reach out to me. I never thought I would ever find anyone who cared about me, I’m so lucky that so many lovely people are reaching out to me.

Regards,

Emo.

[Emo]

Hi Grandy,

I really appreciate your kind words as I know you are truly concerned for me. I never felt that anyone would care about me. You are right about the abuse slowly killing me inside as every time he hurts me I feel like my spirit and any hope I had left is being crushed.

I wouldn’t want anyone to go through what I’m going through. You’re right about me not wanting my friend to go through what’s happening to me if I had a friend. I can take the pain but it’s because I’m used to it. It’s been part of my daily life for so long now. I forget a day when I didn’t get beaten.

It looks like Friday is my last day at work. My job is everything to me so without it I have nothing to live for. I understand that I’ve had to have some time off for domestic violence and my dads death but it was only a total of about 7 days of work. The day I lose my job will be the day my heart truly breaks all over again. I will no longer have any chance of leaving him as I will have lost my wage which was the only hope to support myself. I will have to rely on his wage which is only about $250 per week as he only works part time. I’ve always been the bread winner in the relationship as I’ve always worked full time. He has just worked when he wants to. I guess he’s always had me to provide for us so he didn’t have to worry. I’m not sure who I am without my job. I will have lost the last good thing I had.

Regards,

Emo.

[geoff]

Hello Emo, I'm lucky to have him even look at me', does certainly worry me because 'he’s so cruel to me'.

When two people who are in love look at each other then no one can break how passionate they are for one another, nothing can break them apart, but in your situation, 'I let him do whatever he wants to me but it’s never enough' and it's not because he loves you at all, he sees you as a person under his control.

It is possible once work finishes for you to be able to leave him, it's has happened before so many times and it won't stop, all it takes is for you to believe in.

You need to take your 'Employer Separation Certificate' to Centrelink, that will provide access for a fortnightly payment, they will also provide any bond money you need and also pay the first couple of weeks to move into a flat/house, plus rent assistance is available but will continue on after we hear back from you.

Geoff.

[monkey_magic]

Hi Emo,

Are you losing your job? Is that correct? I am sure you are allowed X many mental health days per year. Explain to them U lost your father and have needed time to grieve.
Because you are full time I'm pretty sure they can't get rid of you that easily.

If your workplace isn't compassionate you can always contact the HR department or the department of fair trading and explain your situation.

Everyone is giving you a lot of support Emo. This psychopath you are living with is also ruining your work life! I am angry for you.

I am also hurt and angry that you are used to being hurt and have " normalised" it. This is definitely not a normal part of marriage. No this is not the " for worse" part, it is a criminal offence. What he is doing is, well, illegal.
You seem to still have a soft spot for him and I don't know why you aren't feeling rage, distrust, and betrayed instead. He has " betrayed" your marriage. He has stolen your self worth and self esteem.
You really need to get away/ break free so you can build yourself and your reserves back up again.

You do not need this man. From a woman to another woman what I am saying is you need yourself, your worth and your integrity.

Fight back and run away to safety...always...

If a hotplate was on the stove, would you touch it over and over. You would not. You would touch it, feel the hurt/ burn and know better for next time.

I'm sorry but for better or for worse has lost its meaning in your marriage. Your marriage is marred with abuse.

You will always have us here to give U knowledge, guidance, and care. Please read back on the wonderful advice.

I'll be praying that you will see the light.

Sending strength darling xox

[Emo]

Hi Emmen,

I really appreciate your kind comments but my head is so twisted by him that I’ve given up any hope I had. I tried to call the police earlier this morning as I had to go inside to use the toilet and I thought I could sneak inside and come right out again safely but I was wrong. I dialled their number but I hung up when someone answered. I’m not sure what I was going to do but I just felt like I needed to get out of there.

I’m hoping there is no way they can trace the call as I didn’t really mean to contact them. I just reached a point of not caring what happened to me and that scared me as normally I will try to protect myself either by locking myself in the car or by trying to stay out of his way but this time I didn’t care how badly he hurt me. It has gotten a lot worse recently so I wasn’t wrong in thinking he could badly hurt me.

I guess the police are the wrong people to go to right now. I need to wait until my job situation is sorted out then maybe I reach out to a domestic violence agency for some help. I know who they are, I’m just scared of everyone knowing my business and knowing my shame.

I’m sorry for rambling, it’s just that I’ve opened up my mind to the possibility of leaving for a break from him and my mind is starting to go into protective mode. I just don’t want to feel pain any more.

Regards,

Emo.

[Sophie_M]

 
Hi Emo,

We hear your pain and continue to be concerned about your wellbeing. It is really important that you continue to reach out, you deserve to live in a place where you feel safe. In the meantime, we’d urge you to connect with our Support Service to talk through support options along with steps to keep safe during this time. They will be checking in via email shortly.

You’re not alone in this – keep checking in whenever you feel up to it.