Dear Island
Hello and welcome. So pleased you and your psychologist were able to work through some of your difficulties. It does not make life easier immediately but you will find it helpful to sort out where and how things went wrong.
In some ways it's understandable to feel worse about being the victim not the cause. As the cause you cannot blame anyone else because it's all your fault. As the victim it feels bad because someone or something has caused you to be harmed without your consent (and often knowledge) until after the event. As the cause you can work on yourself to change but this is not necessarily possible when someone else has caused the damage. The situation appears straightforward.
It seems logical to feel better as the victim because it's all the fault of someone else but it does not work out that way. We humans are such complicated animals and so contrary in the way we think. Simple things are rarely simple I find. I think it will take a while to accustom yourself to not being at fault. It's such a huge change of mindset. There are times when we can change in a moment but this current situation reaches out from the past and has harmed you at a very deep level. It will take a little while to accept it.
Have you told your partner yet? I think it is important to know what is happening to you and why. I am presuming he cares about you and wants to help so why not enlist him in your support network? If you feel unsure about it please discuss it with your psychologist first. I suspect this has a lot to do with your spending habits, compensating yourself for past harm and proving that someone (you) loves you and buys gifts to help you heal.That younger you that has been so badly treated is still crying for comfort. Treat her kindly and help her to feel loved and cared for.
In a similar situation I was forever telling myself not to be a baby, grow up, act your age etc. It was very hard and I knew the harm was not caused by me. I just could not offer my younger self comfort because it hurt so much to think about. So the natural step was to tell me to get over it and toughen up. Not at all helpful. Eventually I learned and I am far more patient with myself. How would you treat a young child who had gone through the misery you have experienced? Do the same for yourself.
Love to hear from you again.
Mary
