What is the recovery time after sexual and emotional abuse?

[Pearllizie]

After being sexually abused by my father for ten years, I was then sexually and emotionally abused by my husband for 18 years. Currently, I am receiving therapy and my husband is not having sex with me (to allow me to heal). Unfortunately, my husband isn't patient and wants me to give him a timeline of when I'm ready to have sex again. He's tired of waiting and I'm supposed to tell him what to do in the meantime.

I told him I'm working on it in the sessions. Having been abused for more than half my life, it will take time to heal. I've suffered much worse abuse from him than I did from my father. I need time. I only see my therapist every two weeks, and I have only seen her four times so far.

Not only do we need to deal with sexual abuse, but also with emotional abuse. I explained to him that I cannot give him a timeline at this point, but he insisted that I give him one and he kept asking me what he was supposed to do for sex in the meantime.

My patience with him ran out and I told him he was now reaping what he had sown. We would not have been in this situation if he hadn't treated me in such a manner and didn't force me to do things I didn't want to do. Now he is feeling upset and angry about something he caused. His actions have caused me to need therapy.

He was very upset and I don't know what to say or do. I would appreciate any advice.

Update:

Almost a day had passed since he spoke to me last. His first action when he saw me was to take money out of his pocket and ask if he could buy me. He would pay me to have sex with him. It made me upset since this is what you do for a prostitute, and I told him he made me feel that way. However, he sees nothing wrong with that suggestion. I don't know how to get through to him.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Pearllizie,

Thank you for sharing this here. We’re sorry to hear what you’re going through. We’re glad you had the strength and bravery to share this here though.

It is really good to hear that you recognise your husband’s current behaviours are not acceptable, and know that you have a right to make your own choices and heal in your own time, without being pressured.

We would really like to be able to give you some one-on-one support, either by phone or webchat. We are available by phone 24/7 on 1300 22 4636, and also via webchat here.

1800RESPECT is another great service that provides support for those currently experiencing, or with past experiences, of sexual abuse and/or domestic violence. They have both a 24/7 phone line and online chat service, here.

Thank you again for your courage and strength in sharing your story. You're always welcome to share more here about how you’ve been feeling.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[indigo22]

Hi Pearllizie,

Welcome and thank you for having the courage to talk about your experiences and I feel for you.

I can relate, only in part, to what you have been through and are still going through. I did not go through the childhood abuse but I did go through very similar experiences with my husband and that was mainly because I was so young and mentally/emotionally messed up when we met. Part of the problem was that he was also mentally/emotionally messed up, however, I did not take it out on him as he did on me. I was with him for 8 years and I can count on one hand the number of days that we did not have sex. It was expected of me, and when I said I did not want to, I was made to think there was something wrong with me, that I was flawed in some way. One night I was totally exhausted and said "I just need to sleep" and for the next 2 hours he prodded me every time I would start to fall asleep, even with the light and the radio on, which were meant to keep me from falling asleep. In the end I just laid there and told him to get on with it, but I lost all love and respect for him after that night. He was my first and managed in 8 years to destroy that part of me for the rest of my life. The straw that broke the camels back came when an opportunity came my way to do something I had always dreamed of doing and discussed it with him. He agreed that if I really wanted to do it, to go ahead, which I did with great joy, possibly the first joy I had felt in years. A week later he said he had changed his mind, and it was that or him. He lost, but he also destroyed that for me. I know now that I deserved so much better than the treatment I received with him and you do too. You are not somebody's property to use and abuse, you need to put yourself first. I hope you can find a way to heal all the damage you have been through and can find the courage to keep posting here when you need to. You are not alone.

indigo22

[mmMekitty]

Hello Pearllizie

Welcome to the forums, so glad you have reached out to us here.

Every person dealing with the effect of abuse takes as long as it takes to heal - since we are all different, our own healing is different. How we heal & how long it takes cannot be forecast.

I am not sure how much healing can be done while you remain in the relationship with him, particularly because it seems he has little or no understanding for how he has hurt you, & little patience - apparently wanting for your relationship to return to what it has been for all these years.

I sincerely hope you follow Sophie M's suggestions.

To you & Indigo22, & everyone else out there in similar circumstances: You deserve to not have your spirit crushed. You have the right to be treated with care & respect, both physically & mentally.

Hugzies to everyone

mmMekitty

[divine_inner_goddess]

Hi Pearllizie, 

I have recently worked through trauma related to a sexual assault that happened a long time ago. I found it very helpful to see a counsellor specifically trained in sexual assault. I went to the Centre Against Sexual Violence in Qld. I saw a counsellor fortnightly for free for as long as I needed, which was about a year. It was extremely helpful. I'm not sure what state you live in, but there should be a similar service in every state. 

I wish you all the best for your healing. Please look after yourself. 

[corerupted]

Pearllizie you have immense bravery and courage in opening up about what you've lived through, i hope in time you're able to get support and healing necessary for recovery. Take care of yourself.