Repressed memories

[Patches63]

I am waiting to discuss this with my therapist but wondering if anyone has experienced similar or has any possibly thoughts/insights.

in my mid 40’s through talk therapy I became aware that I had held a subconscious grudge against my paternal grandfather from when I was 9yo and blamed him for his youngest son committing suicide.

as part of writing a journal I’ve become aware my visual memories and flashbacks are semi distorted regsrding the suicide and do not align with memories I have of things said at the time and in following couple of weeks.  I never spent any time alone with my paternal grandfather and therefore do not believe he abused me.  I was approx 12yo when he died.

what I don’t understand is, not including day of my uncles death, I only have 2 memories of my grandfather which are both fun, happy memories.  I have vague, sketchy memories of helping my parents get his house ready for sale after he died.

Any thoughts or similar experiences?  Could the repressed memories be possibly some how linked to the subconscious grudge I held for decades?

Patches

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I havent got such an issue ongoing and can sympathise with your situation. What I can say is that it is likely a common event because our childhood is somewhat of a blur when we become adults and we tend to sway towards feeling responsible for our actions as young people. This is really unfair on us. Eg

• An auntie visiting us when I was 10yo was met with a request from me "did you bring me some money"?
• I felt guilt when my brother passed away as I hadnt made effort in the 6 week prior to visit him
• I could not warm to my uncle at all when he passed through our town. When he passed away at 82yo I was told he was the most wonderful father and was quiet as he was a war veteran in the second world war.

Those are just some examples and therefore I had over time had to sift through them as the came up in my mind and deal with them, that meant being realistic about myself, that my attitude at the time was from an immature boy or young man that deserved some slack otherwise I'd spend my life crushing my own confidence.

I hope that helps.

TonyWK

[mmMekitty]

Hello Patches

I'm not sure I quite follow everything you have said.

I'm not sure what 'repressed memories' you refer to. The definition of a repressed memory is one which someone has unconsciously had in their minds for perhaps many years, & which might re-emerge later in life. This is not the same as a suppressed memory, (like mine), which are deliberately, consciously pushed way back in one's mind so one won't have to deal with them or the consequences which might follow if the memories are recalled.

I did the suppression thing for years, thinking to protect myself, & maybe at a more subconscious level, to protect others around me. Eventually, with no prompting from anyone, the memories resurfaced, crashing in on me, repeatedly, until I eventualy began processing & talking about them.

Some memories I have are fragments & vague. I understand there is no way I can consciously fill in all the missing information. I can't answer the questions I had about them.

Even the usual memories are not so clearly & well recalled as we might like to think. Just because a memory has a strong emotional context might not mean it will be any clearer for that. The emotions, however, might be the more reliable aspect of the memory.

You could ask yourself all sort of questions about how you felt about your paternal grandfather, his son, how his son died, about other people around you, about the events which followed, about what was said to you, indeed, how much were you told? I'm thinking, not much.

& what about you, at that age, what could you understand? How did your paternal grandfather's son's death affect you?

& (my questions) in everything you have said, who is suggesting there might have been any abuse? I'm not sure where that is comeing from. I would think any confused feelings you have about your paternal grandfather & his son's death are enough to talk about for now.

I hope this helps, too.

Hugzies

mmMekitty