Impending heart surgery worry

[Megs14]

My husband has recently found out during routine medical check that he may need possible heart valve replacement surgery. He is only 38, we have been together for nearly 20 years, we have one son who is 9. I have CPTSD from childhood trauma, growing up with a narcissistic parent. I struggle with death, anything new, especially medical issues. I am beyond petrified that something will happen to him during surgery and worried he will change afterwards. I know this is all natural worrying about what may or may not happen, but it’s really hard to comprehend right now. We will find out next Friday what will need to be done, this coincides with my birthday, which is already hard given my history. I’m trying to be strong and doing as much research as I can to prepare myself for the worst case scenario. I don’t want to scare myself but I feel like if I educate myself it won’t come as much of a shock when we do get told the news if he has to go through with surgery soon.

I’m just wondering if anyone else has experienced this or is there anywhere I can turn to you to get advice?

I know we will both probably need counselling, although I’m already seeing a psychologist and have been for quite some time.

I want to be able to help him and we do have support from his family, but the worry of not knowing what’s going to happen really does make it difficult. We have had to put a lot of things on hold and a lot of plans have changed but I know in the Longrun, this is the right decision as I wouldn’t want something to happen to him in down the track, this is preventative and I know we are doing the right thing. Any advice would be appreciated.

[white knight]

Hi Megs, welcome

It is a worrying time. However, I had an Austrian neighbour as a child (I'm 67yo) that was 32yo in 1968 that had heart valve replacement and she lived till 86yo. A total of 54years. 

Re: "but the worry of not knowing what’s going to happen really does make it difficult."

I wrote a thread on worry, so it best I give you the link for that now.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/anxiety/worry-worry-worry/td-p/87808

So, being a born worrier myself I know its in our makeup from our childhood environment. Therefore your worry wont be eliminated but that thread about give you perspective on that topic.

I hope you are ok

TonyWK

[tranzcrybe]

Your husband is young which is a positive sign for surgery, and valve replacements are a walk in the park for surgeons these days with all the hi-tech gadgets at their disposal.
My dad had a quad bypass with, of all things, a valve taken from a pig! (these days they probably grow their own or 3D print them) - funny you mentioned about behavioural changes, we joked about his speech becoming 'oinky' and various other innuendos (after it was all over, of course). He lived to the ripe old age of 96!
While worry is always present, it can also be contagious; so you should try to be positive and strong for your husband and have faith in the medical team.

[Megs14]

Ok so update on my husband - we got the news yesterday he is having the operation and today we found out it’ll be 26th July. I’m petrified there’s so many changes and I feel like I need to think of him not me but all I have is this constant dread. I’m fearful of everything at the moment. 

[white knight]

Hi Megs

It isnt news that gives us anxiety, it's our reaction to it.

I grew up with a brother with diabetes, in the 60's that was a major illness and wasnt controlled like it is today. When ever he fell into a "fit" through sugar imbalance my mother in particularly screamed and panicked and sent my young sister and I into fear and insecurity. Frankly had she remained calmer the outcome would have been the same but my sister and I grew up with severe anxiety because of the reaction to those situations.

As mentioned previously worry is non productive and I know it will take a long time for advice to sink in about the logic that eludes you with worry but it is best I remind you here about it as that will help you over time. 

About 20 years ago my mother was undergoing a lung operation. I paced up and down the corridor for 4 hours then a nurse came along and suggested I go to the ground floor, grab a cuppa, some cake and read a newspaper. I did just that and soaked up 2 hours and became relaxed. It was proof to me that distraction works. 

Sometimes we have to force ourselves to go against our natural selves to be distracted. Sometimes we have to go for a walk even though the wind is cold. Sometimes we have to be aware that our own anxiety could be adversely effecting those we love and making their own anxiety flare up meaning we are causing further issues by allowing our symptoms to fester. 

So fill in some time, window shop, talk to friends on the phone, clean the car, join a therapy group ... I hope that helps.

The only benefit from over worry is it proves you care but others already know that.

TonyWK

Have you seen your GP about your anxiety? 

[tranzcrybe]

Being 'preventative' surgery, many of the complications arising from failing organs won't apply - a bit like servicing your car: a new fan belt doesn't mean your car is damaged, it's just routine maintenance.

Similar to Tony's Distraction technique, perhaps focus on all the positive things you will be able to do after husband's 'upgrade' - a holiday, some physical pursuits (gardening, jogging, sport, join a gym - I believe such things are encouraged to make a full recovery, but do check first with your doctor). Discuss with your husband all the exciting things this operation will facilitate.

Most of all, reflect on how reassured you'll both feel without the worry of a 'dodgy ticker'.

[Megs14]

Yes I have regular care with my mental health and I’m actually seeing my doctor tomorrow for my routine 3 monthly visit so I will of course mention this latest upset. But yes what you say is true about distraction I often use reading or colouring or watching a video, mindfulness basically in every day living and meditating 2-3 times a day. I cold shower every morning and evening. I have my vices. I guess this is just new territory for me and I’m just learning about this news as it comes in on the daily so I believe my reaction is normal, anyone would be worried about a partner going in for life changing surgery. My body reacts a little differently and doesn’t let me sleep when I’m experiencing high stress but once I distract myself say going to work I eventually get back to the centred self I usually am.

[white knight]

Well that is excellent that you are proactive in looking after yourself.

However, you say your reactions are "normal" .. "..I believe my reaction is normal, anyone would be worried about a partner going in for life changing surgery"  but your words describing your daily reactions are painting another picture. Being "petrified" could be described as a first reaction to news of a serious condition followed by w need for surgery, however it could be argued that feeling that way every day and your body not allowing you to sleep etc is extreme anxiety or similar condition. Many people that post here dont attend a GP nor have 3 monthly assessments hence the mention of it. We dont know unless you do mention these ongoing attendances.

The "new territory for me" comment is a good one and explains a lot. I have had ongoing medical issues for 35 years and my friend has had zero, yet a year ago he visited and has been diagnosed with a auto immune condition and is now paranoid with his minute by minute worry. This is the concern, the extend of the reaction because medical issues are part of life we all have to jump, some more regularly than others.

I hope you are ok. You certainly are trying everything you can and thats a message to you, that you are giving it your best. 

TonyWK