What Is A Relationship *Trigger Warning - Child Abuse*

[Hope_and_Love]

Hello Beyondblue forum members,

I am hear to seek advice from everyone that would like to share their insights onto relationships.

First things, first, an introduction about me.

I was one of the few millions of sperm that was able to swim into my mother's uterus and propagated with the egg. Jokes aside, I am 25 male (26 in a couple of months, cries) and have never really had a proper relationship. What do I mean by proper? I don't even know to be honest. My past experience was almost five years ago, where I dated this girl I met at university for three months, but then she moved to a different state and that was the end of that. I've never had any sexual activity in my life and my shrink have asked me if I am scared? I replied with, well if you had general anxiety and panic disorder would you be scared? Additionally, I was molested in my toddler years and I can remember that day pretty vividly. So I'm have some anxiety when connecting sexually.

I am diagnosed with two medical conditions, general anxiety and panic disorder and to top that, I have personality traits in cluster B and C (Borderline personality and Avoidant personality disorder). To give you an idea what that means, I have extreme emotional response to abandonment, criticism, invalidation and rejection. I also have trouble reaching out physically to others for help, because inside I would like to be an independent person. Hooooraaay!

One of my deepest desires is to connect with a female emotionally, as I do not have that with my mother. To be blunt, I feel like I am alone all the time. In additions to having BPD, I experiences extreme emptiness through my daily life and it can honestly be incredibly draining. I've accepted the fact I am not normal and that's okay. I was born with a hyper active nervous system where there are pros, which I am currently putting some effort into seeking.

So here is one of my biggest issue with relationship besides getting into one, due to my personality traits which I have no control whatsoever, I often become obsessed with said person. Coming back to the extreme response to abandonment, my mind makes up scenario when this person may attempt to "abandon" me. It is a defensive mechanism to prevent me for attaining further possible pain. In addition to the intrusive thoughts, the anxiety can be crippling and it can honestly feel like dying is a better solution than to be in a relationship. In conclusion, I sabotage anything before it forms to anything.

Regards,

H&L

[Quercus]

Hello H&L and thanks for joining us and sharing part of your story.

I don't have BPD (there are other members here who will relate to you though). But part of what you wrote jumped right out at me...

I often become obsessed with said person. Coming back to the extreme response to abandonment, my mind makes up scenario when this person may attempt to "abandon" me. It is a defensive mechanism to prevent me for attaining further possible pain.

It felt like you just jumped into my brain for a minute there! My psychiatrist reminds me often that I see black and white no shades of grey. I see my relationship is either perfect or disastrous depending on what is happening. When things are good I feel like I put hubby up on a pedestal. I adore him. Think everything he does is perfect. And then something will happen.

An example the other night when he mentioned my broken toe was better maybe getting back into running would make me feel good. My mood plummeted. He thinks I'm fat. He's not attracted to me. Hates my haircut too. He'll leave me. He'll take our kids. And leave me. So I ran and ran hating myself until I had hurt my knee and my freshly mended toe. What was him worrying about me became catastophic in my mind.

I tell you this just to say you're not alone. I've been married for 5 years now and together for 8. I know I am only one person and I'm not you... But I wanted to show it is possible to manage feelings like these and still be happy within a relationship.

I have to go to my psychotherapy now but hope to talk more to you if it helps you.

Nat

[Quercus]

Argh sorry. This is why I shouldn't post before appointments. I'm sorry. I just really wanted to reply to you.

I forgot to say good for you for speaking up about your abuse. Child molesters have a special spot reserved in hell in my mind.

I think you are very brave for facing this. It took me until last year (I'm 32) to face a previous abusive relationship and rape. It has a huge impact on your ability to trust another but with time (and a trustworthy partner) it can happen.

Nat

[Hope_and_Love]

Hi Nat,

Thank you for your time and moral support. I'm afraid, I cannot fully accept the compliment because it took me, two full on panic attacks, one suicide attempt and four hospitalization to get to this point. However I understand where you are coming from and I appreciate the gesture regardless. I will tell you the main reason why I came out and face this issue. I was carrying that secret for almost 23 years and maybe you can relate here, it becomes such a massive burden to bear such a secret. I know we cannot control the people that did these things to us and we were the victims, but we still blame ourselves for not being strong enough. This was a very important lesson I learned and one of the core reason why people who've been in a traumatic experience can relate to most people who've had traumatic experiences.

Thank you once again for giving me some hope and that one day I will find a partner, as well be able to manage these emotions. Though, not wanting to sound negative, it does feel like I have been a lone my entire life. I cannot communicate with my parents because I can't speak their native language (Cantonese) , while my main language is English. I would like to believe that I am not unattractive, but the outlook I give to people makes them think I have the word under control, but inside everything is in havoc. Additionally, I have trouble reaching out to my "close" friends, which is something I will be aiming for in 2018, to be able to open more of myself to my friends.

Currently, the closest thing I hold dear is my fluffy cat. Which in some perspective, it's a little depressing. However, it's still something.

Your example of you and your husband jumps at me and I can totally relate. The smallest thing that is presented by someone you hold dear can totally distort your thinking. I would like to humbly offer you some advice regarding that type of thinking. From the therapies I've been in, they call it a cognitive distortion and can be found under CBT. I have a lot of those type of thoughts and like you said, it can totally get out of control and we have to do our best to relieve that type of thinking using these skills for the rest of out lives.

I really hope, by continuously working on myself I will eventually find someone, but I fear it's a massive task for the other person to accept me for who I am. Did you have that type of thinking before you met you husband Nat? If so, could you offer me some advice?

Regards,

H&L

[Quercus]

Hi H&L,

I think you're not giving yourself enough credit. Being hospitalised. Panic attacks. Abuse. Attempted suicide. These are all things you have survived. And you're still here trying. That is bravery. It's ok if you cannot accept the compliment though. I find it easy to see the good in others that I can't see in myself too.

That is sad about the language barrier with your family. Have you ever thought of lessons so you can be included? Hubby's family speak Polish and it has helped me even to umderstand some words so I can get the gist of the conversation. It does help (even if I only pick up every 5th word or so) to make me feel included.

Thank you for telling me about cognitive distortion. I will have to read more about this. It is reassuring reading your posts. Alot of the things you write I have felt or do feel.

How you talked about the struggle to contain a secret. Yes! I suspect if I hadn't melted down I'd have kept it buried deep. It does feel a relief to talk about it at last but I struggle with guilt and shame too. Theoretically I know I shouldn't but facts and feelings are totally different things.

Yes, I have felt this way as long as I can remember. I spoke to my psychiatrist about that exact topic this week actually. He asked me what do I feel is missing within me and why is it missing? Hard question. I had no answer. But I suspect it is self validation that I'm missing. I have always looked to trusted people to validate me and show me that I am worthwhile. I can see in theory that I have worth as a person but inside I am filled with self hate. So criticism from someone I rely on to gauge my worth is utterly devestating. I am not sure why I feel so much self hate. But I always have. I try to build myself up but the vulnerability is always there. It takes one small comment or slight and I'm a mess.

I gave up on love. I did the online thing to support a friend and was sick of being hurt so I just didn't care whether anyone responded. I was frank about what I wanted. Was a complete b.... in my mind.

And my husband replied. I still can't work out what he sees in me apart from the fact that I adore him. Feel like he will eventually leave. But he doesn't.

I suppose what I am trying to say is even if you look inside and see chaos and see the worst of you there will be people out there who see you as you are and yet love you anyway. It's just scary to open yourself up to another person like that.

Nat

PS your cat is such a sweetie!

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Hope and Love,

I'm really glad you are here and thanks for opening up about what's been going on for you.

I can see that Nat (Quercus) has already replied and it sounds like she's giving you a lot of support - so with that in mind I'll keep what I have to say short 🙂

Please know that relationships are possible for you. With your fear of abandonment, criticism, invalidation and rejection (yay I know! me too) - I discovered a lot of mine once I got into a long-term relationship. This for me was more overwhelming because I was slowly learning these things about myself while in a relationship. I'd shut down before realising that I'd shut down, I'd created fear without even knowing why -

For me personally, I'd coped my own way for years but then all of a sudden I became aware of how flawed my coping skills actually were. It was a massive wake up call. But I was in a relationship, and I still am. I think in hindsight it would have been nicer if I was able to deal and manage with these things beforehand; but I know that I've lived and learned from it all.

I believe that your post shows a lot of strength; not only have you dealt with all of these past traumatic experiences, but you're learning from them and you have so much awareness about yourself. Relationships aren't always easy, but having that insight into yourself; your behaviour and your mind helps enormously. People will love you for you.

Anyway I hope this helps somewhat 🙂

[Hope_and_Love]

Hi Nat,

Apologies for the late reply. I acquired food poisoning after celebrating with my best friend last week. The following week, I finally saw my psychologist after the holidays which led to a lot reflecting over the holidays.

To give you a little more insight as to why I am stubborn to learn my native language, I would have to explain in details. I would like your opinion/insights to my explanation (I believe there are particular points where my belief/thinking is distorted).

Since I was a child, engaging in conversation with my parents was difficult. It was one of the reason why, I was emotionally inept because I would have no one to talk too and kept mostly to myself. Hence the reasons, as to why I acquired BPD traits. My mother's highest education was year 3 in China, while my father was only grade 1. As you can see now, they do not have a fair amount of education behind them. But for them to get this far in life without much education is inspiring in some sense. In their defense, they work pretty much all the time to support my brother and I at the time and didn't bothered learning a new language. From a intellectual stand point; with the lack of learning they had, their techniques of learning a new language was bound to falter in some sense. Now with the lack of education, knowledge and entering in a new culture, they only knew as much as I did from going to school. They may have more life experience, but their way of nurturing, is not the "correct" method. Even talking to them now, they might be wiser in their choice of words, but I really, really, crave the rationalization behind the reasons.

I spent majority of my free time reflecting on the choices I made and fantasied whether the outcome would be different if I took another choice and if so, what are the outcome of those choices. However, I no longer reflect obsessively, because it draws time from the present, which is not be practical.

Regarding the feeling of guilt and shame, I personally thought, because of the environment that people like us was brought up (not very nurturing), we became use to the feelings of guilt and shame, which is why sometimes, you see people seeking these types of emotions. Which comes back to maladaptive behaviour.

My cat is a sweetie and she means a lot to me. She makes me feel less a lone, however, I really, really, really want someone who I can share my thoughts and feelings with everyday, like how the parent would ask their kids how their day was.

[Hope_and_Love]

Hello Romanticthief,

Thank you for replying and giving your input. It gives me more hope to learn that people who suffer from abandonment, criticism, invalidation and rejection, are able to acquire a relationship. However, I must asked because I am incredibly curious as to the stages your brain went through. I've been told my brain is a little hyper active because of my medical conditions (general anxiety and panic disorder, combined with obsessive traits). Did you have to practice multiple times to become use to the feelings/thoughts that came with dating/relationship?

Also, thank you for the compliment. At the start of this year, I decided to take a new approach to acquire support and help. This is part of something new that I am finally utilizing.

By the way, it is very impressive that you discovered on your own, that your way of thinking were flawed and led you to change!

P.S

Nat, could you please also answer the same question with regards to what you went through?

Kind regards,

H&L

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Hope and Love,

Thank you for your post!

Can you be a little bit more specific in what you mean by 'what stages your brain went through' ? and do you mean practice as in - try to become familiar with new thoughts/mindsets?

If this is what you're referring to, then absolutely. To use an example, the idea of being abandoned is terrifying, especially when we relate it to past trauma. There's so much stuff that comes to the surface that often we feel we can't cope. I don't think I'm now 'over it' but I have practiced lots of skills to be able to 'tame the voices'. I'm not sure if this makes sense. Please feel free to clarify 🙂

[Quercus]

Hi H&L,

Bleh to food poisoning. I hope you are feeling much better. It's ok if there is a delay with you replying ok (I took a while too) there's no pressure here.

I found your comment about wanting to know the WHY behind your parents actions very interesting. I think regardless of a language barrier there are always things we want to know from our parents and mostly we never find out.

As to managing feelings of abandonment, criticism, invalidation and rejections within a relationship...

I don't feel like there were steps. I feel like it is constant self management and self analysis.

I struggle with all of those feelings. My husband only has to hint at a criticism and my brain jumps right into catastrophic thinking. He doesn't want me. He will leave. I'm not good enough. Or if he says he is tired and wants to sleep I jump into feelings of rejection.

So how do I manage thoughts like these?

1. Recognise the type of thoughts.

2. Slow down and take the time to work out what the feeling is that you're feeling.

3. Identify the trigger. What happened?

4. Analyse the reaction.

5. Speak up and clarify if needed.

Here is an example if that's ok...

Today. The phone rings. It is his work. He agrees to overtime. Night shift.

I feel rejected. It is his one day off and he wants to go to work. He must really hate being home with me. I yelled at the kids too much. He must just want to get away from me.

I realise my thoughts are racing. That I feel crap. Realise there are a lot of negative thoughts happening.

I take a breath. Walk away for a moment. Slow down and just stop. I am feeling rejected and unwanted. Not good enough as a mum or as a wife.

Why? Because he chose work over us.

Why did he choose work? Because we have school fees to pay and no money for them. He is doing what he has to to provide. Are my thoughts catastrophic? Yes. Realistic? No.

I speak up. Night shift? He sighs. Even with the kids screeching I'd rather stay home with you lot. But we've got to pay for his school somehow. He looks tired and gives me a hug. I shoo him off to try get some sleep.

My point... These thoughts happen all the time for me. I just break them down. Sometimes it works. Sometimes not. But the more I do it the easier it gets to see when I am overreacting.

I hope that answers your question somewhat.

Nat