My fiancee hurts me *Trigger Warning - Domestic Violence*

[Eliza2017]

We had our engagement party over the weekend. My family were slow to leave and so I asked my fiancee to relieve the babysitter for our three year old and I would follow shortly.

When I returned we argued and he hit me. Splitting my lip very badly. Our three year old son asleep in the next room.

We have been together for 10 years and in that time he has physically hurt me three times

First time he fractured my cheek. The second he gave me a black eye.

Each time I have gone to my parents they have brushed it aside. I fear, as an overweight woman they feel I can do no better.

I am smart woman, I know no one has the right to hurt me but I don't know what to do. I feel as if I am betraying myself.

We also never have sex unless I initiate it. I have spoken to him several times to try to fix it and tell him that I feel unloved and lonely.

Please. Somebody tell me I'm not the overbearing, horrible, undesirable woman I feel like I am.

I am so desperately sad and embarrassed.

[quirkywords]

Eliza

Welcome to the forum and I am glad you took the first step to getting help.

I see you as a strong, smart, caring woman not at all like you feel you are.

I am sure as you said you know that your fiancée's behaviour is not your fault .Three times is three times too many.

Your weight has nothing to do with it, it is his behaviour that his responsible not you. I do hope you are wrong about your parents as a parent is their to protect their child.

I can see why you would be sad but not embarrassed. You have done nothing wrong. I feel sad that you feel horrible and undesirable. That is not how a fiancée should make you feel.

Sometimes it can feel like this is happening to someone else and you wonder how your life has turned out like this.

I had an ex partner who drank a lot but did not hit me but he did verbally and emotional abuse me and was controlling.I had people say what are you complaining about he isn't hitting you. I ended up not telling people who did not understand.

You have a three year old to care for .

I can't tell you what to do but I am sure you want things to change.

Is there any friend or family member who is supportive and understands your situation?

Thanks again for sharing your story.

Quirky

[Eliza2017]

Thank you for you lovely words.

I feel that it's hard to explain, I'm sure im not the first woman to say that.

I have spoken to my closest friend but other than that I will not tell anyone in our family or circle of friends. It sounds so stupid but I don't want to damage his reputation. Or mine.

I have moved to our spare room and have given him a chance to seek help. He initially offered to stop drinking and told me his issue is not with me but with his family which feels even more unfair, why would he hurt me because of how someone else made him feel. It screams of lack of accountability.

My decision to him is he seeks counselling immediately or I take my son and leave. Or he leaves.

The irony is I feel so strongly about the issue of domestic violence and am passionate about raising awareness. I feel like a fraud and a fool.

[Croix]

Dear Eliza~

I'm sorry you had to live through that horrible experience - and the two previous times too. As you are finding out things are never simple or easy in real life, and although many would expect you to separate right now, with 10 years together, a child together plus practical difficulties then just up and leaving is not so straightforward. Add to that in all probability a very human desire for the person you originally fell in love with to reappear.

Not departing straight away is in no way a betrayal of your principals or hypocrisy, it is just life. You do what you can, what you think best at the time.

By the sound of it you have decided on a fourth chance for you fiancé, conditional on treatment, plus with a degree of separation, though you are still living together. He may be quite right in that the root cause of his inability to cope comes from his family. From a practical point of view it does not matter. He loses control in front of you and hits you each time in the face.

I'm wondering if you can regain trust after all this. Even if he seeks and tries hard with medical help there will always be the memory of being assaulted - with no real guarantee it will not happen again. Worse is the fact that if he can lash out at you then it might be possible for him to lash out at your son.

I'm not saying the above to try to persuade you to change your mind and leave, but to simply talk about what the stakes are if you stay. You may decide all things considered it is worth the risk, or you may not.

With most things of importance it can be very helpful to talk to professionals with expertise in the area so you get to see what is reasonable, likely to happen and what are the pitfalls. I'd suggest having a chat to 1800RESPECT ( National Sexual Assault, Domestic Family Violence Counselling Service
1800 737 732 (24/7). Trying to get a sense of proportion all by yourself in hard and they are very knowledgeable.

The fact you have a friend to talk with is a great thing, it can help a lot. It's a real pity your parents are not as realistic or understanding.

Look, whatever you decide to do or whatever happens you are always welcome here and will find understanding

Croix

[quirkywords]

Eliza,

you are neither a fraud or a fool. We are all human and find ourselves in situations not of our choosing.

It is good you have a plan.

You may find some other thread here that may have topics that will be of interest to you. I have only shared my thoughts and others may have different suggestion so it always worth reading other people's opinions.

I understand about not telling others as I mentioned before but for me it was about not wanting to damage ex partners reputation as he was doing that all by himself.

Kind Thoughts

Quirky

[Eliza2017]

I think you are right about the trust and other than the shock of the assault it has been what has mase me feel the most sad.

I cannot trust him again, or if I can it will take some time.

maybe the sadness is knowing it is over. Maybe it is my broken heart. Maybe it is that my loved ones don't have my back.

I don't know. I have to be strong for my son but I'm struggling

Thank you for your support.

[Just Sara]

Hi and welcome Eliza;

In my experience it's never just physical assault; it's mental/emotional/environmental/social as well. A sure fire sign is how you're seeking ways to help 'him' instead of yourself.

A family member recently left her abusive husband after 35 yrs. We sit often and ponder her life, her children and the fall-out of having him in their lives for so long.

One topic that comes up in our chats is how she felt compelled to constantly 'appease' him which became a life long torment of being the habitual peace-maker; she lost sight of who she was as a woman. Domestic violence comes in many forms. Its effects run so deep, it trickles down to children and their children which is what happened in her case.

Her adult daughters are now struggling with abusers of their own and their children are forced to watch on in horror. What lessons are learned by small ones?

I'm not saying you both can't fix the situation, but believe me, doing it while still in the same house is a risk many broken women have made before you. Please seek advice, referral and support for yourself and your child's future.

The 'Cycle of Abuse' is a term used by Health professionals and welfare workers which describes how women get 'sorry' flowers, forgive, have a few days peace, then experience it over and over again until it's ingrained in their psyche'. They forget who they were/are and live their lives for 'him' to the detriment of 'all' others.

I'm not judging you hun, but I don't want to sugar coat it either. I don't want to see any person go from 10 yrs to 35 yrs with regret on their shoulders.

This cycle isn't just his; it's yours too. Break the cycle before it's gone too far to come back from...please.

Research online what questions to ask yourself to know if your situation is indeed worth saving. I hope for the sake of all it is.

You're in my thoughts...

Sez

[FinallyFree]

Hi Eliza,

Firstly I am sorry to hear of your situation. No one has the right to hurt you and secondly it is not your fault. Regardless of what you look like and who you are as a person, everyone deserves happiness, respect and love. From what you have described it sounds like you are with a narcissist. I recently left my ex-fiance of 8 years. I endured the same things. Physical violence, emotional, financial and psychological abuse. It took along time to realise what was happening, but once you do the truth sets you free. I hope that by talking about it, you find the confidence and strength to do what is right for you. As to humiliation, I totally understand. I suggest you google surviving narcissistic abuse. There is a 12 step guide which helps coming to terms with it not being your fault and dealing with the shame. The thing that made me block him completely out of my life was realising that they are incapable of love. We only serve to feed their ego to the point we loose ourselves. I wish you all the happiness you deserve and am happy to chat about my story.. in the hope it gives you inspiration and strength.