Was it actually abuse?

[QuinnH]

A couple at my church who are some of my close friends, have been very involved in helping me deal with my ex husbands affairs and abuse and move forward.
However over time the husband became very flirtatious with me. We engaged in a lot of flirtatious talk and texts that was generally playful, but started to make me uncomfortable. I liked the attention because it made me feel noticed and like someone might actually want me after the way my husband treated me and the affairs he’d had. But I also felt disgusted by that feeling, because I didn’t really want to be wanted by my friend because he was married.
Then it progressed to him physically touching me in a sexual way. I perpetuated a lot of this because at first I simply liked the attention and physically my body 'wanted it' even though I really didn't want it from him and I think its a disgusting and despicable thing to do to my friend & their marriage. I wanted affection from him in the form of hugs and safe male contact, but when he started touching me more inappropriately it felt really wrong and went against everything I believe, but my body still wanted him to keep going and that makes me a really horrible person. I did repeatedly ask him to stop and push his hands away, but he would keep going and I wasn’t very forceful because I didn’t want to disappoint him or stop him from wanting to be my friend, which is pathetic. I was scared of losing his attention or affection at all, so I didn’t make myself as forceful as I wanted to be or definitely as I should have been.

[QuinnH]

Eventually he’d take it too far and I’d make him stop or he would stop. Sometimes I would apologise afterward and sometimes he would apologise and we would agree that it couldn’t happen again, but eventually it would. He didn’t seem too concerned by it, but I also knew he was just trying to protect me from worrying more than necessary and making sure he dealt with his guilt on his own. However, I felt really confused why he had such a relaxed approach to something that was obviously so wrong. His wife was very open about sex and they were both quite flirtatious with each other in front of me and eluded that they fantasised about a threesome and said/did some very sexual things in front of me. I didn’t really mind at first and I found it encouraging to see a married couple who treated each other so well in sex and were so into each other - mostly because my experience of sex with my ex husband was very negative, abusive, forceful or neglectful. It made it seem more normal when the husband and I started having sexual conversations or he texted me sexual things. But there was definitely a point where I recognised that it wasn’t healthy or helpful to either of us and not respectful of his marriage. Then when it progressed into touching, I felt so scared of disappointing him, losing his affection or friendship that I wasn’t assertive enough. I found it really hard not to respond to his physical touch because it felt really good and I hadn’t experienced that kind of sexual contact from my husband where I felt wanted, cared for and essentially sexy. It’s disgusting but it physically felt good and my body really wanted it so it became harder to be assertive. But mentally and emotionally I didn’t want that - definitely not from him - and I always felt horrible and dirty afterward. I never let it get to the point of taking clothes off and I didn’t touch him very much because it felt so wrong. But he progressed to touching me everywhere over clothing to point I was physically reacting even when I tried to push his hands away. I started to feel really anxious all the time around him or even when I wasn’t with him. I felt really ashamed and dirty, but physically my body still wanted it and emotionally it made me feel like someone could actually want me, even though I knew he didn’t really, it was just a bit of fun to him.

[geoff]

hello QuinnH, there is a big difference here in your situation, because when your husband was so unfaithful, that even if you allowed him to touch you it meant nothing, all you wanted was to feel as though you were loved and with him it meant nothing, however when another person knows that you are upset and then tries to touch you in an appropriate way, then he is taking advantage of you and it should never happen, but the confusion is that you wanted someone to pay attention to you, to give you a cuddle and a hug, but when it comes to a stage that he is making moves against what you want, then he isn't a friend, but someone looking for a need which isn't what you want.
This chap is not what you want, but seeking something else well out of your boundaries and will keep doing it until you tell him NO, because if you let him do what he wants, you will feel as though no one can be trusted.
Please say NO to him he's not a friend, but someone taking advantage of a lady in pain. Geoff.

[QuinnH]

Thanks so much for responding Geoff. I really really appreciate your time.

i just feel so guilty that I allowed him to say or do anything and I was involved in that because he's married& I can't believe I'd do that to his wife who is a good friend. I didn't want that kind of relationship or contact with him or to do anything wrong, I just didn't want to upset him & didn't realise how wrong it was until it started which I know makes no sense. I feel stupid & weak & so guilty for being "the other woman".

I don't know how to forgive my self for that.

[SubduedBlues]

Hi Quinn

It really sounds like this guy is a predator.

It doesn't matter if it is a BIG forceful "NO" or a soft little ​no​ ... No means No.

It it were me, I'd tell him that I'd like to have a chat with his wife to see if she is okay with his behaviour. I bet he backs off real quick and tries to blame you for his actions.

Let us know how you are getting on.
Best wishes
SB

[QuinnH]

Thanks SB, really appreciate your response.

i just feel like even if he is a predator & has taken advantage of me, I'm still responsible for my actions & they're unforgivable.

[SubduedBlues]

That's the hard part about being involved in situations that we don't want to be involved in. We never really know if the situation persisted because of our action or inaction; or if the predator is a master of influence and gets us to behave in manners we'd normally not do.

Now that you have recognized the presence of the situation and realized that its continuance is not in alignment with your moral rectitude, what happens next is within your sphere of influence. You need to decide whether you make it stop, or allow it to continue. I would hope that you choose the former, and know that it is not your fault for trusting someone (a wolf in sheep's clothing) when you needed someone to make you feel whole again.

SB

[QuinnH]

Thank you, really appreciate your advice

[Jessicatherese94]

Hi QuinnH, I want you to know there is absolutely no reason why you should feel ashamed or dirty. None of this is your fault, it's the fault of someone who has taken advantage of you when you are in a vulnerable position. I think after one has been betrayed and abused in a relationship it is normal to be extremely hurt from that and to want attention and physical intimacy from other sources. It is normal to want to be touched and cared for because it's such a contrast to the way you were treated before. This person should absolutely know better. I can guarantee that you will heal from your past relationship and that you will be loved and desired again by someone who is available and understands the boundaries of consent, which this person clearly does not. Do you have any other close friends you could talk to and lean on instead of this couple? I think it's a really great idea to distance yourself from them whilst you gather your thoughts, and that then you should put an end to this as soon as possible. Even if it meant ceasing contact with this couple, I think that could be more healthy than continuing to interact with them and feeling this way. You have nothing to be ashamed of, it is this man who doesn't understand that when you physically push someone away they must immediately stop their advances. I hope everything works out for you and I've helped at least a little.

[Fenrik]

Hi QuinnH,

Your feelings are quite normal. Its nice to feel wanted and have someone show you affection. Especially after a traumatic and abusive relationship. You cannot help what your body does when being touched in a sexual manner and should not feel dirty about this.

However the actions of the married man were definitely inappropriate. This man was definitely taking advantage of you while you were vulnerable. His behavior was disgraceful and disrespectful to you and his wife. This fellow knew what he was doing and was manipulating you. Do not feel foolish or guilty about this, as this person seems to know how to push the right buttons and seems well practiced. There have probably been many other women he has done this to also. He is not a nice person, he is a predator and he is using the Church as a mask of decency. Decency which is not there.

If you are still in contact with this man you should break it off immediately. There are plenty of nice single men out there who could show you the same attention and treat you with respect and kindness. Don't go for the suave bad guys who know the talk.

The single nice man you would normally find unappealing, who you would rather want as a friend may be the answer. Give a man like this a chance and you may end a up very happy woman.

A lot of women seem to gravitate towards abusive, unfaithful men because they find them more exciting. However in the end men like this are just bad, selfish people that you would do well not to have in your life.

I wish you all the best.