Will I ever feel 'normal' again.

[cai]

My mother died 4 years ago. I still feel as though I haven't emotionally accepted it. I know she's gone but I still feel like I'm waiting to see and talk to her... like this is only temporary. I feel confused thinking that she's dead and that's it, like it's a mistake or something.
When I see old home videos or think of a memory, I find it hard to relate to that person. She sounds happy and silly and I can't remember the last time I felt like that. This version of me feels like I've always been heavy... weighted down with underlying sadness.
My memory seems to have gone, I don't remember a lot of the traumatic days I've gone through but I also don't remember much of being a child, of being a young adult, even of my own son's younger years (he's 3 this month). I look back on photos and most times I can't remember the moment that the photo is meant to remind me of.

[Neil_1]

Hi there cai,

Welcome to Beyond Blue and I’m so sorry to hear of the loss of your Mum.

Death is a horrible thing, that unfortunately comes to us all in different ways through our life and with that, the resultant effects of grief hit us.

Grief is experienced by the individual in so many differing and contrasting ways. There is no right way, there is no wrong way to grieve … we just have to go through it as best we can and continue on.

From what you’ve written, it sounds very much like your grief and emotion is still very much happening for you, as you battle along with how you really nailed a term of “… weighted down with underlying sadness.” It’s natural and it’s a process of getting through this period … yes, it’s been 4 years, but there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.

I’m still grieving for my brother, my Dad and my Mum … who’ve all passed away and in my bro’s case, that is some 26 years ago.

Have you had any support during this time … like family members, friends, or to go to the next level, proper professional counselling and guidance (GP, psychologists, etc)?

I would love to hear back from you.

Neil

[cai]

Thank you for your response Neil1.

I'm sorry to hear about your brother and parents, I think it's true that you never get over the death of a loved one. I know it seems to be true for me. I often find myself feeling abnormal or odd because everyone else seems to be ok and moving forward... I'm still stuck back in 2013 when she suddenly died feeling lost, overwhelmed and anxious. So much has happened since and I feel as though my mind, in it's best intentions, has 'filed' away all the things I need to deal with for a better or stronger day. And to be honest, it terrifies me when that day comes to deal with it all.

I guess I'm still in denial that she's gone. The thought of never seeing her again makes me feel physically ill. The best way I can describe it I just can't fathom never speaking to her again. How are you meant to move forward without the one person that truly gets you? The one person who always has your back? It's a lonely existence that's for sure.

[geoff]

hi Cai, the passing of people you are so close to and who you definitely love without question has and never will be easy to accept.
I know Neil who has been a terrific contributor to this site has been going through this for many years and it's still etched into him and rightly so, I just feel so sorry for him just as I do for you, because those memories are always held so closely to your heart and you will never be able to forget about them, especially to remember all the good times you spent together which you will both be able to cherish rather than your loss.
Lost love is something you will carry with you everywhere you go, so stop and talk to them about all the good times, the fun times you both had together, cry if you want to, but it's a cry of how much you loved them rather than their loss. Geoff. x

[cai]

Thank you geoff, I really appreciate your response. I hope one day to be able to think of her (and others) without feeling lost and sad. I try not to because I struggle to match up my life then with my life now... it's odd and seems like someone else's memories and life.