Hi
I completely understand how you’re feeling and my heart aches for you. There is something so uniquely destructive about another person undermining everything you are.
I too am very recently out of a similar relationship and have the same feelings you do. I don’t know me anymore. I was extremely successful, multiple university degrees and now I can’t even eat. I have no friends, no job, no confidence and It’s so hard because you constantly look back and think how did I end up here. The self blame and guilt is so strong.
My ex told me that the depression and anxiety I suffered from was the reason I couldn’t be good enough for him. He controlled me and hated it when I even so much as spoke to male friends. Everything was always my fault and there were always separate rules for the two of us. His apologies when they existed were always qualified with “well if you hadn’t”. He went from being someone I loved to someone who did nothing but pick on the mental health issues he helped induce.
I like you still struggle with thoughts of trying to contact him again and I have spent countless hours crying over him. But they’re not worth it and we are strong for even surviving even though we feel so fragile now.
I can’t even imagine how it will be to feel while again but I have to hope it can happen. I’ll be going in to an inpatient facility in the hope the time away will help heal the pain I feel.
