unsure what to do

[Veldelmar]

I am numb - so numb when i want to cry I can't. I feel like I'm floating far in the ocean and no land in sight and it's really hard to put into words what my mind is seeing in pictures (especially out to the world). I will be 40 in july, expatriated from the U.S. and I love australia but it's not been good to me. I know that I have PTSD, wasn't diagnosed until I moved here in 2013 from my time in Iraq 5 years earlier. I'm pretty sure I actually have cPTSD. I've always been amazing at masking my issues or locking them away until covid19 - honestly, things have been crumbling apart a bit before christmastime this year, but really fell open when I was locked in my house. Mind you, covid19 doesn't 'scare' me, I am just doing my part to stay safe and those around me. It's being trapped inside that's the issue. Trapped inside with just my brain and it's thinking about all the things that have been traumatic in life, including things I'd had locked away or chose to forget.

I feel like a fake though, almost, i had great parents that adopted me when I was 5 weeks old. i had friends, good family, all the good stuff. Then i remember the torture that school was, the physical, emotional and sexual abuse by fellow students. Inheriting abandoment issues from being adopted due to those around me making me feel that. Being physically abused and raped by a partner...losing my father at 22... joining the army and seeing war...the constant fear women have being women...constant sexual misbehavior by men in public... being constantly guilted and manipulated by a mother that can't let go at all. There is so much more, things i haven't told people, things that I have.

during this covid time, my mother had a bad fall - she's 81- didn't break anything, but the guilt thrown at me made the last nerve I had break. now i'm lost. I cannot stop dwelling, wishing i had an emotion to release. CBT makes everything worse, I don't want to talk to my GP she'll try to send me back to the woman that wants to be my friend with CBT. Nurse at uni has me trying ACT but it's making it all worse. I take antidepressants for my fibromyalgia and beta blockers for my essential tremour and migraines. Maybe I need more medical intervention, I don't think I should feel this way on that medication. Maybe it's time to check in a hospital, but then I'll feel more fake because I sure don't have it that bad? I'm at a loss, my friends say do what will make me happy. that isn't helpful.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Veldelmar,

Welcome to the forums, we're so glad you decided to join our friendly online community. We're so sorry to hear how numb you feel at the moment. We empathise with how difficult these experiences must be. Please know that our community is here to support you and hear what you are going through. We hope that this can be of some comfort. If you feel it might be useful, we'd encourage you to visit our Coronavirus Mental Wellbeing Support Service. The website will be regularly updated with information, advice and strategies to help you manage your wellbeing and mental health during this time. This is inclusive of a 24/7 telephone counselling service. If you are unhappy with your current mental health treatment, we would recommend that you get in contact with them to get some advice around what your options are and referrals for your local area. You can call them on - 1800 512 348 Many of our members have been through some of these experiences. Hopefully a few of them will pop by to welcome you and offer a kind word. If you would like to post further, please tell us more about what's on your mind and how we can best help you get through this difficult time.

[Richie01]

Hey veldelmar,

I can’t speak for your past, for the shit that you have been through, for the hurt that lingers on every moment. What i can say is that I care, that I know the feelings on a level that only we understand and your not alone here.
the covid stuff aside, we are still here. We hurt and we need to be heard if no where other than on this page. I feel so much for your struggle, I’ve been struggling myself for too many years, I’m not isolated from home like you but I’m isolated from my home and that’s just the same. Home is where the heart is, home is where we are happy. Don’t listen to friends or drs telling you what’s best, we know what’s best within ourselves. Don’t dismiss their advice please but rather take their advice and make it work for you. If you are happy here, then stay. If you need to be back in the US, then get there however you can. But do it for you ok. 40 is young, you have 60 years ahead of you right now, don’t let the past ruin that. We are here, we won’t forget you or leave you stranded. Even if we is just me, your not alone. Please feel free to post here with anything you need to talk about. I have cptsd, ptsd and a few other boots to suit, I know the struggle. I’d like to be the advocate for it getting better but it doesn’t happen like that. It takes time, it takes friends who care about the real you, not just the you they want you to be. There is no judgement here, you are you, we accept you every time you post. We may not have the answers but we understand, I understand enough to know that the reasons may be different but the feelings are so so much akin. Take care and please lean on us here, we will be here whenever you need us. Look after yourself and just remember that your never alone, it may take a few hrs but you will always have a friend here. We are always here.

richard

[Richie01]

• And and just an extra little thing. CBT doesn’t work for me either, I’m sure it has its merits for some but not for all. If your like me, and I’m guessing you are, we need something with impact. Even if it’s a slap in the face or a shared tear. I get it and I’m here. Stay strong and be you no matter what anyone else may make you think. We can get there, it will take time but you know what? We have that don’t we. chat soon

[Veldelmar]

Thank you so much for the information and the welcome, i appreciate it greatly.

[Veldelmar]

Thank you Richard for your words, every one of them was appreciated. I just feel - stuck - for lack of a better word. Things that worked in the past aren't helping now. Granted I've always been really good at lying to myself, hiding truths from everyone, masking everything, and just moving on without facing facts. The last time I was feeling this off I ended up having panic attacks every other day, this time i just can't 'feel' the emotions. I know what they should be and they won't come out - it just doesn't feel right.

40 is so young, with so much left. I think my omg 40 thing is wow where did 24 years ago, i was just 16 with plans and ideas and dreams and goals. There is this window of life that I am missing huge chunks of too, they are just missing. Not that I want to remember any of it, but I didn't really deal with it either. 17 years on I still haven't been able to grieve my father. I just kept going without regard for it. I used to be this hugely outgoing human being and now i'm feeling more like a hermit in a cave. Barely know people but at least a have a couple people. They just don't know how to give the support I need, especially because I don't even know what I need. At least, i'm being very very brave on my 40th and trying something old me would do with my aussie bestie and fling myself out of an airplane. I kinda hope it sparks some of that old me back, even a tiny bit.

As far as CBT, yeah, honestly i could use a hard kick in the arse or a slap to the face. Talking I can mask or act through making light of things and have never had more than 3 sessions with a councillor. I never let them get too far, because i'd rather just go on. I think that that time is passing and I need to face some things hard to the face. I just don't know how to do that or the right person to do that with. Enough for now, thank you again for your words, they are truly appreciated.
Michele

[CJs_mum]

I’m sad you are feeling this and want you to know you are not alone.
I can only begin to imagine what you have seen and gone through. It’s no wonder you can’t remember some of it. Your brain most likely tried to protect you.
I truly hope you and a doctor can work well to sort through some feelings, emotions and trauma and help you out well.

VVCS/Open Arms may be a start if you haven’t had counselling from the army yet.
they have courses and sessions to help guys from Iraq and Afghanistan and others and often try out different ways with you to see what works or what you can do, not just the ones you’ve tried before.

and we are here for you.

[Veldelmar]

I just wanted to thank all the lovely souls that I've spoken to on this forum. I'll be sticking around as I've found it helps to talk about things in this space. It took me a whole week to work up the strength to make the call to a doc in the area that has special interest in mental health needs and will be having an appointment with her on monday. I don't know how to talk about all my crap but I typed up a sheet of stuff to hand her and wrote I'm happy to discuss it all just don't know how to bring it all up. Hopefully it'll get me on the path to helping myself. Regardless if it's Psych, psychology, a hospital whatnot, I'm ready for it, scared out of my mind, but ready to not feel like this.

[Richie01]

Do what feels right Michelle. Just know that you he bad days remind us of how good the great days can be.

its so hard to be us but you have a place here where you can be that. Small steps girl, one day at a time and the days roll into one. I really hope your app goes well, they suck at the start but it’s always going to be that way. Stay strong and lean on us ok.
we are here for you, with you. Take care

[Guest_1643]

Hey Michele,

Welcome here, so nice and comforting to read that you are finding it helpful to be here

It sounds like you are interested and open to all the options out there for recovery - I like your attitude. I had a really good experience in hospital for despair, sucidial ideation - but my only advice is to do a little bit of research on the hospital etc and make sure the place feels right to you.

Hope you find something that "clicks"

hopsital was good for me because I got to try it all - mindfulness, art therapy, act, cbt

I don't like cbt all that much either. I feel like i'm in school being told what to do lol. Happy fortieth and I hope your fortieth year brings a lot of joy. I'm 35 and feel inside sometimes like i'm in my late fifties. I agree 40 is young!