Traumatic Experience as a child

[Nataley]

Hi there,

Was wondering if anyone can help bring a bit of clarity here? Am I normal?

I am 32 years old. I've never really received any professional help just the help of close family & friends. I feel I am a bit different from most people and struggle sometimes. I find that I get really annoyed & irritated at the smallest things a lot of the time and I can be quite a negative person and I feel its starting to effect my life and take over a bit. My husband doesn't really get it but he accepts me and is very patient.

We as a family went through quite a traumatic experience. I was 13 years old and grew up in South Africa when the indecent happened. One Friday night we were all at home my mum, myself & 2 sisters. Dad was at the pub having a few drinks. Between leaving the pub and driving back home he was attacked and stabbed in his neck. He drove home parked the car walked up to the house and passed out on our front doorsteps. We opened the door and found him there still alive. We called the ambulance service and it took them just under 2 hours to arrive. In that time my mum was running around like a headless chicken. My oldest sister was the one who kept dad alive doing CPR and apply pressure to his wound until the ambulance eventually arrived. I even remember dad taking his last breath on my sisters lap. She gave him CPR and he came back. Anyways the ambulance arrived eventually my mom got in with dad and left for the hospital must have been around 12-1am. At about 4-5am my mum came alone home sat down in the lounge and told us dad had died. I do remember feeling very angry weeks after it happened. I was very close to my father. A few years later going into teenage years I starting smoking drinking & Drugs and dropped out of school and got involved with the wrong crowd and landed up in jail over night for the first time. (my father was a police officer lol he wouldn't be very proud of that)

Anyways after being arrested for a night I woke up and came to my senses very quickly. I still smoke & have the odd glass of wine or 5 but no more drugs anymore since 20 years old. I've never been to get any professional help. But I find I get really, annoyed, angry & frustrated and very small insignificant things. I also find it takes me forever to make friends as people annoy me. I do feel like im very different to everyone else and being around people who small talk really does my head in. Is this normal?

Thanks

[Hat]

Trauma stays in our bodies, fear can make us clench ouselves so we feel grumpy and frustrated. What you' ve described sounds completely understandable.

We have to be able to grieve, as our bodies direct us to.

You may feel relief conscioulsy acknowledging this tragic experience youve been through with a suitable psychologist or counsellor. They may be able to share some strategies to better address frustrations.

I have found yoga extremely helpful in addressing grief and trauma. There are several different types. Sometimes we need stillness, othertimes this can increase frustration.

If you explore this option, you may need to give several different styles and teachers a go. It can also be expensive, particularly attending private classes or those in studios. Well worth it if it works.

good on you for posting - & best of everything in your explorations

[White_Rose]

Hello Nataley

Welcome to Beyond Blue. Thank you for telling us your story and I am sorry that you had such bad experience in your early life. I think that experience will stay with you. It is difficult to forget something as traumatic as that. However you can get help to make sense of it and not allow it to run your life.Part of grieving is anger, usually that the person has left you, whether or not it was intentional. It's worth looking up the Five Steps of Grief and seeing how they fit in with the way you feel. These steps do not work in any particular order. You may stop being angry only to find it pop up again later.

Hat has suggested you investigate yoga. Many people find this helpful. You can also try meditation and Mindfulness as part of your healing. These activities help you to find your centre, the core of your being and being healed.

For this trauma I suggest you have a chat to your GP and get a referral to a counsellor/psychologist/psychiatrist. There are various costs involved with any of these options, from having a mental health plan, referral to a psychologist or psychiatrist, investigating organisations such as Relationships Australia and Anglicare. The last two organisations have no charge or a small amount. Usually their therapists are counsellors. Your GP will be able to explain the best option for you and the related costs.

To go back to your original question, are you normal? The smart answer is, are any of us normal? We all have different personalities, get upset, laugh, be angry, love, in different proportions. I suggest you fit into the normal range but being a little skewed to needing assistance with aspects of your mental health. However, I hurriedly say, I am not a doctor or mental health expert. Chat to your GP about this.

Many teenagers use alcohol and drugs to deaden the pain and hurt of various experiences in their lives. So pleased you saw the light early and did not get addicted to anything.

I have been battling several successive traumas in the past few years. I thought I was handling it all quite well but lately I find myself flying off the handle very easily. I know why and what is happening to me but it still has a bad effect. I currently talk to a psychiatrist and my wonderful GP. What I am learning is to be resilient, well trying to learn. I find it easy to drop into a black hole. Getting out again is getting easier, but it's a hard road. Talking here can be helpful.

Please continue to write in.

Mary

[MarkJT]

Nataley, welcome to the forums and well done for posting your story. That's what it is here for. You are in a very supportive environment that is free from stigma and to you, Hat, welcome to you to.

The advice given above is really good and I encourage you to have a chat to the GP, research and start practicing mindfulness and/or yoga and realise that you are not much different to so many other people.

What you have been through is a highly traumatic experience and those memories are obviously going to stay with you forever. The trick is that you need to take the power out of the images. Now this is easier said than done however the trauma that caused my PTSD were imagery of a scene i attended (i'm a police officer). I went through a course of exposure therapy and it worked a treat. Another mate of mine has had EMDR and that also worked really well BUT our trauma's are not your trauma's and being your father, I simply do not know how these types of treatments will work with you. This is why you need to go see the GP or a psych and talk it over.

I sincerely hope that you continue to post in here so we can help you as best we can.

This goes for you to Hat, hope to see plenty more from you as you clearly have experience.

Regards

Mark.

[Elizabeth CP]

Hi Nataley,

The others have given some good advice. I would definitely recommend getting a referral to a counsellor to help you deal with your feelings. My situation is very different to your but there are similarities. I was 10 1/2 when caught in a bushfire with my mum. I also received no help afterwards. It was so painful I never talked about it with my family even so learnt to deal with it on my own. Like many with PTSD I felt guilt because I didn't do anything useful at the time because I was in a state of shock & assumed we were going to die anyway. I felt very embarrassed because of my reactions to situations (eg fires) which triggered memories of the event. One thing which I have found helpful is speaking to professionals who have been able to help me understand that my reactions are normal for someone who has had my experiences. I used to feel really stupid because of my reactions which just made things worse.

You experienced an extremely traumatic event when young. It is worth while getting help to process the experience & then learn strategies to avoid some of the unhelpful behaviors/ reactions that cause you problems.

Good luck I hope you find someone who can really help you.

[Nataley]

Thanks Elizabeth and everyone for the helpful comments. I always at the back of my mind wondered if I should have got professional help but never really new at a young age how to help myself I guess. Now 20 years later think its time just to check in and see with someone professional if whats going on in my life is normal or abnormal. Not even sure what normal is. Anyways.. I guess we will all know within ourselves if we are happy or not. Thanks guys xxxx

[MarkJT]

Nataley, that is a really good question...what is normal? Normal for you or me could be abnormal for others. It is really important to remember that you do not live to other people's expectations. You are you and you do the best that you can do.

Also please do not dwell on the past. I did that for a while and if i had of acted upon what i was feeling i would never have got to the stage that i did. I don't worry about that now. I don't have a time machine so no point worrying about it.

Love to hear from you after you have seen a clinician. Good luck with it!

Mark.

[Elizabeth CP]

I'm really glad you are going to get professional help. It took me 45 years before I got help so it is not too late for you. While I agree with Mark re not dwelling on the past but trying to ignore it & avoid thinking about it is not helpful. Having a professional help you accept the past & learn to deal with it in a better way is essential. Good luck.