Raging PTSD

[Celery]

I did not know i had PTSD..I did not know i had dysthymia..all of my life i only knew i always felt different. After a life of being ostracised, physically abused and shunned by my family i just cannot take any more of this daily terrorism from my worn out brain. In early 2003 my father chose to suicide. I ran in slow motion to his side and tried in vain to help. I told him he would be alright and help was on the way. He cried. My mind leapt back to reality and realised he was not returning to this world. I shuddered and felt the guilt for not recognising his plan. My mother was released from life 6 yrs earlier and i had not seen her for almost a year. Her cold face looked worn out and fragile, her hair grey and​ lifeless. Once a beautiful woman full of life who tirelessly gave to the community..her facade to cap the shame and humiliation of living with physical and endless emotional abuse by the perpetrator, my father. My sister a nurse outcast me and not a word orated from the day she held me responsible for our fathers tragedy..not a whisper of comfort or support towards me..just contempt. I cared for my father for 2 yeras..the very same man who emotionally and physically abused me for my entire life..i loved my mother everyday despite her words of discourage and ostracism to me for not being like the sister who had already taken the position as the golden haired child. My deafness from infancy was an embarrassment to my family..i was not give the opportunities as it was viewed as a waste of time.. Yes the insidious and baffling disease of alcholism touched every family member and nor did my kid brother escape it...it took him deep into the hot earth at the age of 30. ​Now what am i doing here..everyday is an enormous, exhausting effort to keep slushing, pushing, dragging and thinking my life for survival..and i dont have to take a drink..I was spared from the wretched disease. When will my time be my time with not so much pain? Nightmares, guilt, shame and self torment are attached to me like black hot tar. I need to seek the courage to strip it back..i have not much time.

[MarkJT]

Celery, I have genuinely sitting here for quite some time trying to work out what i can possibly say to ease your pain.

You have been through an experience in life that no person should, that is obvious but at the same time, despite all that was wrong around you, you still took care of your father, you loved your mother even though you got no validation from her and you did this whilst also being robbed of your hearing. This tells me that you have a power within you that shines through even the most challenging of circumstances.

I am a member of Victoria Police and have recovered, probably as much as i can, from PTSD but live with depression and anxiety as a by-product. I say this because after 20 years of policing i have come across and spoken to a mountain of people and there are those rare ones that despite the world crumbling around them, they seem to excel and take on more. You strike me as one of those types of humans.

Now i can tell you that i recovered by PTSD with a mixture of clinical treatment, physical exercise, mindfulness, education, improved diet and meds. I was lucky, i know this as everything i tried, seemed to work so i am not going to patronise you say if you do A, B & C, you will recover. Not that easy, however you have got so much good within you, I believe that you can make headway and chip away at the PTSD and get your life back.

Are you currently seeing a psych? Interested to see if you have had any clinical treatment for the PTSD. I guess being deaf also that it may make things difficult in finding a psych that can effectively communicate? I just don't know about this and to be truthful have never thought about it until i read your post a few times. You can truly educate me with this.

As a copper, we are taught to always trust your gut instinct and my gut tells me that you have one hell of a story to tell. I feel that if we can help you get out of the pain that you are in, offer what ever assistance we can give and give you the support you deserve, that you will flourish in life. You have to one super resilient person to get through what you have.

I will be very honest in saying that I am concerned for you. Massively concerned as i think if you leave this earth, we will be robbed of someone who could make such a huge difference to so many other people who have been in your situation.

Let us help you mate, we are here for you and we are not going anywhere. You will be respected.

Mark.

[Celery]

Hello Mark, I have been trying to reply but get cut off by the unreliable service here. Tears welled up in my eyes because you said I would be respected on this site. I have been seeing a pshycologists once a month and had four visits..im not sure if its helping as I see other people post on here and mention they have been getting therapy for years. I am on a health plan as I cannot afford private therapy. As for the hearing, I explain to each person that i am deaf (assisted with hearing aids) and need to see your face to help me understand by lip reading. This takes a lot of energy as i need to catch up on every conversation and have to back track often to ubderstand the meaning of words. I am not so great at communication as i never really learned like most people who have full hearing. I also get very embarrased about having to ask people to repeat themselves. This is part of PTSD for me, my family would yell it out with an angry expression on their faces or say "forget it" and exclude me from the conversation..often i was left in a world of silence and treated like a leper. This hurts still today..its a bit like depression..if you look ok..you must be ok..people cannot see deafness. I got my first hearing aids 5 yrs ago and and had to learn some new skills like the sound of my own voice which sounded strange to me..it took me a long time to monitor my own voice volume and my brain had to rearrange many aspects of this new world. When i was caring for my father I had little hearing and the only warning sign I got when he suicided was the noise as it was only 8 meters fron me in the next room. Yes my gp said that i am very resilient but that does not make me feel good as this resilience has slowly faded and now im tired. I took note of what has helped you Mark with your recovery, good food exercise etc. I take my meds everyday, go for a walk each day which is terribly lonely, no junk food as I live in the bush which has also impacted on my mental health. Im just grateful you replied to my post as it gave me some grace to keep on for a bit more. My pshycologists has not given me any direction yet accept give me supplements which cost $$$. Im not sure if they usually do this with new clients or am i with someone trying to make some extra $$ from me who is quite naive. As for PTSD nothing much has changed except for my heighten awareness that i am sick and cannot push down, run or freeze from these flashbacks that sneak up. Thx Lil

[MarkJT]

(continued)...

There are a heap of things to make exercise more interesting. See how you go and if none work, let me know and we will dream up some more.

Great to hear that you are taking your meds every day.

If you are not happy with your psych, get a new one. They are there to help you and if they are not, well like any other service, search for a new one. No problems in doing that. They should be challenging you and making you better. He or she should be challenging those flashbacks. They are horrible to have, absolutely horrible but have they spoken about how to treat them? If not, bring it up - it is YOUR time so you dictate what you need out of it and you need to have the flashbacks treated.

Hope to hear from you again. See if we can't make this journey a bit easier for you.

Mark.

[MarkJT]

Lil, you will be respected by the people in here but as per all IT stuff sometimes it doesn't work to well and speaking of which, I had a full post posted but it didn't post so i will go again (and hence the cont...post prior to this one)...

So I started my psych work in Feb 2013, when i was hospitalised, and still continue it to this day. I now see my psych much less often but at the same time, I will be seeing him for years to come. Mental heath matters sometimes take years of clinical work to get you back to where you want to be. It is the nature of the beast but hopefully for you, it will turn out like me in that I actually look forward to my sessions as I now know that it is the continual maintenance that keeps me in recovery mode and scaling upwards.

I have not ever walked in your shoes but the way that you were treated when you were young in regards to your hearing was obviously pretty ordinary. Is there any chance that you can somehow put that behind you and get some confidence to ask a person to repeat what they said? I mean any person who gets upset at someone with hearing deficiencies asking to repeat what they said, well i don't think that, that person deserve your attention or conversation. I certainly do not think of you as a leper, I think of you as someone who has overcome such a massive hurdle in life and has more courage than any person who who gets annoyed at you because of it.

With the boredom of walking, can you count the steps you take? Get a step counter and create little games for yourself, count cars or houses, be a kid again and don't allow yourself to step on cracks? Can you listen to music? I don't know about your hearing aids as I know nothing about them and how they work. You could certainly educate me on this subject. See how you go and if nothing works, let me know and see if we can't make exercise more enjoyable for you.

With your resilience, I had none, i ran out - zero. What i do every night is i think of three things that i enjoyed that day. Tonight it will be the hot choccy i had this morning, awesome. Second will be playing a new PS4 game with my lad, so much fun and the third, and this is genuine, was seeing that you replied. By thinking of the small things that we are grateful for, it builds out resilience. Gratitude - highly under rated. This can be really difficult but the key is to stick at it, repeat again and again. After a while it begins to take shape. See how you go.

[Croix]

Dear Celery - or is it Lil?~

I am another ex-policeman, much older, invalided out with PTSD, anxiety and depression. I did not return to the force, like Mark did. I made the mistake of holding off getting treated for too many years. This meant my treatment took longer and while I ended up sort of ok, I'm not cured.

I'm like you a bit in another way. I was on the police range and a pistol malfunctioned and I lost a fair bit of hearing - I was lucky they let me stay in that time. That was many years ago. I wear hearing aids and find it a help to look at the person I'm talking to, I also find it a help if I know roughly what the person is gong to talk about. My new ones - made by Siemens - are ok.

Your story is one of the bad ones, and all I can do is tell you what helped for me. I do not have your experiences and I had a family that loved me.

I understand flashbacks, I understand being bone-weary, I understand wanting it all to end at any price, I understand death.

I found out that to think the dark thoughts all the time is a spiral of exhaustion and lack of hope that feeds on itself and keeps on and on. I could only survive by retreating. How I retreated was though children's books and little rewards. I tried to distract myself with white-bread sandwiches with butter and squares of dark chocolate inside. When I ate one, just for a moment, things lifted and I tried to read.

Many times as I read the same page my thoughts would drift back and I'd have to start the page again. In time I became more skillful at cheating the thoughts and read more and more. This put me in a children's world, a simple cleaner place with dragons and villains who got their just deserts, and heroes and heroines that lived happily ever after.

I still read like that to escape. There are less chocolate sandwiches nowadays as my wife goes crook if I have too many. This is only one of the things I do to feel better. There are more.

I'd be grateful if you could tell me of anything, big or small, silly or sensible, that you enjoy, that you look back on with fondness. Food, animals, books, movies, exercise - as much or as little as you want - anything at all.

Another thing, do you have a companion, family or friend to talk with?

Mark, I and others too look for your reply. We understand and care.

Croix

[blondguy]

Hello Lil

If I can add my support and embrace you as Mark and Croix have done above

I feel the pain you are going through. You are carrying a lot on your shoulders and in your heart Lil.

My dad passed away 7 weeks ago and no matter what the time frame is the anguish and pain remains the same.

I know the guys have asked if you have a couple of friends or family that are a support network for you. This (as you would know) is crucial to help you vent and even gain some peace of mind. I did read that you live in the bush and if you can explain the effect that is having on your mental health....if that is okay of course.

You are not naive in any way Lil. Please forgive me for my questions.....What supplements is your psychologist trying to add on? Im just trying to get a better picture so we can assist you more effectively 🙂

you will never be alone here Lil. I have long term depression and am medicated and in slow recovery since 1996.

If I may welcome you to the Beyond Blue family.

my kindest thoughts for you in this dark phase...I hope we can be of some help to you Lil

Paulx

[White_Rose]

Dear Lil

Hello, good to meet you and welcome to Beyond Blue. I see you have received some great replies from the guys so I decided to even things up and answer for the girls.😊

My sister, three years older than me, lost her hearing when she was about 2-3 years old. This was during WWII, which is a bit of a give away to my age. The family story is that my dad was carrying my sister to the air raid shelter when a bomb fell and the blast or sound wave damaged her damaged her hearing. I never knew her before she became deaf so grew up accepting her disability just as I accepted I have brown eyes.

I do remember the struggle she had being deaf. She was given hearing aids but at that time they were huge headphones and made it very obvious she was deaf. In the end she refused to wear them and we all learned to face her when speaking and speak clearly so she could lip read. I am so sorry you did not have the care that was given to my sister.

I am also sorry that you had to witness your fathers suicide. That must have been truly awful, so different to a natural death, and I have no words to express my sadness for you. The guys have commented on your strength and resilience and I am in awe that you were able to take care of your father despite the treatment you received from him, and in fact from the rest of your family also. Growing up it seemed to me my sister was the favoured child because of her deafness, while you were hurt for the same reason.

Being resilient and able to carry on with your life is good. But there is only so much you can suffer before becoming overwhelmed and for that reason, among others, I am so pleased you came to Beyond Blue. We will be here to 'talk' to you. Beyond Blue is a safe place, no one will hurt you here.

You have been given suggestions for coping with your life and I want to offer one more. I find meditation gives me stability, calms my mind and helps me to deal with life. It is true that it can take a long time to heal. Just remember though that the pain gets less every time you step forward. It's not a case of working hard for nothing and suddenly you are well. You will get better a little bit by little bit. It's important to remember that when it seems you going nowhere. When you have a bad day, or should I say and especially bad day, try to remember how far you have come. Even chatting to us on BB is part of the healing and hopefully will give you support.

Please keep talking here.

Mary

[Dr_Kim]

Hi Celery

I am firstly wanting to say what an incredible young person you are. You have survived so much more than most of us will ever have to and clearly you have some deep well of strength that keeps you going. However, it is no surprise that you are have some psychological “scars” or emotional problems  from your early experiences.

Some of the scars and emotional bumps are part of the PTSD  … when your brain mixes up time and space , so that dramatic events that should be firmly locked into the “memory” folders of our brain somehow keep popping open and FEEL like they might be happening or about to happen in the present. Obviously this then causes our bodies to become geared up for something”bad” to happen and out comes the old “flight or fight” response and we end up feeling all jittery, anxious and stressed.

The constant loop of this faulty brain wiring can of course the make us feel down and like we are going crazy , but its not your fault and it is treatable.

I feel you do need a good therapist to teach you and guide you through the healing of PTSD and childhood trauma . The Blue Knot foundation specialises in this area and may be able to give you the name of some one close to you who has a good understanding of this work . Ring their helpline to enquire 

You sound like you are trying hard already - walking , seeing a psychologist, NOT drinking writing these posts. By the way , you are a really good writer! Have you ever considered doing some writing? You certainly have a story to tell ! To make walking more interesting, you might like to consider getting a dog if you haven’t got one already. Or if you can listen to things with your hearing aides , there are wonderful interesting and fun podcasts to keep you company on your walks.

There are also supports for hearing impaired that may be able to help you improve your communication. Maybe contact Deaf Australia to see if they can help you to improve your skills and maybe develop your confidence . Your hearing impairment is nothing to be ashamed about . Your family were wrong to make you feel like that. 

I hope that you continue on and get great help and supports and who knows maybe some day I’ll be reading your memoir !

PS. I will add that I agree with you that the “supplements” that you are being sold sound a bit suspicious as I have not read any medical papers that justify the use of these in PTSD or childhood trauma therapy (aside from the possibility of St Johns Wort for mild depression and even that is questionable )