Trauma, Health and Anger

[Eagle Ray]

Today has been hard. Since Friday I’ve had a return of physical symptoms I had recur throughout last year - shortness of breath and feeling very unwell. Today I had to cancel an appointment with my employment agency because I was too unwell when I’d been looking forward to discussing my ideas for starting my own business on the NEIS program.

I have a cholestatic liver disease and the recent symptoms may be related to lung issues that can occur with that and I’ll probably have to go through more medical testing. But I’ve also been reflecting on the impact of trauma on health and the suppression of anger that can occur when subjected to trauma, especially from a young age.

I had repeat instances of verbal and physical abuse which were quite extreme and left me with nowhere to go but to lie on my bed in a frozen state, often beyond the point of being able to cry. I had to internalise aggression shown towards me as there were no other options. Recently I experienced similar abuse following the death of a family member when I was at my most vulnerable. I was too weak to do anything to defend myself.

The liver disease I have destroys the bile ducts, and I feel like a process of internalised anger over my lifespan is likely responsible for this autoimmune disease. Bile is produced when we are angry, but in my case the anger didn’t get expression and I feel like it’s caused inner destructive processes to my own body.

After the last abusive attack I was in a state of extreme hypervigilance 24/7. One night, unable to sleep, I realised I needed to scream. I screamed into a pillow so I hopefully wouldn’t freak out the neighbours, but after several screams my body started to let go and I actually became sleepy and was able to go to sleep.

Can anyone else relate to possible links between trauma, repressed anger and health issues? If so, has anything particular helped? I’m the kind of person who never shows anger. People have said they’ve never seen me angry. But I feel like there must be a load of repressed anger in me that needs expression. I’m in a lot of pain at the moment, physically and emotionally. I feel like my body has really had enough. I actually bought a book online the other day by Gabor Mate called When the Body Says No. I’m looking forward to reading it as it sounds very relevant to my situation and might help.

Sorry for such a heavy topic. I just wondered if others can relate and have any ideas on dealing with deeply repressed anger linked to trauma?

[Mum Chris]

Hi eagle ray 

Whale watching sounds perfect. Getting out on the ocean has real benefits for me anyway. I miss the ocean. It’s good to have a psychologist you can trust. I’m not really into Bowen or anything like that but I do believe in doing something that takes your thoughts over. I like to do complicated craft. Really follow a pattern and have to count and think   I sure it’s what’s helped me survive terrible situations. With TV I can just stare at it and not even absorb anything. I’m too into my own head. 
How are you coping with liver symptoms. Do you get itching and skin issues. Separating physical and emotional can be an extra burden. It can be hard for people in our lives to understand what is happening because you can be great one minute and need a rest the next. 

Now all I can think of is whale watching 🙂

MC

[ecomama]

Hey Eagle Ray, you've chosen a nice name, can you share what helped you decide upon it? 

I'm so glad you've heard about epigenetics lol. I do try to moderate the modality of my "language" when writing to BB Members, I know I can come across as haughty (putting it nicely lol). Sometimes I'm even successful! Hahaha. Other times not so much. 

Epigenetics is exactly the work that Dr Joe Dispenza does! He is truly amazing. Collects and collates mountains of research also. You can buy his CD's to can play in your laptop and listen to in bed, promoting healing. He has TONS of YT clips too. 

IGNITING the healing capacity / potential in our DNA and supressing the not so helpful active, possibly OVER active, DNA gives us so much HOPE! 

I love investigating the Quantum Field with Dr Joe lol. This makes me smile! 

In the past I've also added my name to Prayer Circles with family and my Church. About 40y ago, my friend and I made a commitment to PRAY at 9pm every night. She was Catholic so asked me to read a phrase she'd given me. I was not lol so asked her to visualise crystalline white clouds of pure love around each of us, our homes and workplaces. We did this for about a year, sporadically over 5y, and wow, crazy changes happened. Like a quickening. So strange. 

Sending healing thoughts
Love EM

[Eagle Ray]

Dear MC,

The complicated craft sounds really absorbing and a great way of focusing the mind. It’s like it keeps all the complex trauma stuff at bay.

 I do get what you mean about staring at the TV. If something sets off a trauma memory for me, which might not even be that related to what I’ve been through, I can spend the rest of the day in a daze unable to take anything in, or several days like that. It’s like my senses get shut down. But I find being in nature helps so much. Even if at first I can’t take even nature in, it’s like I eventually start to get more grounded and feeling and sensing the things around me. I think the whales helped because they are just so magnificent and they engage the senses of wonder and curiosity.

 I had a very good session with my psych today. I really had to try quite a few psychs/counsellors to find the right one for me. I’d almost given up. But she gets me and what I’ve been through and she helped me through some major processing this morning.

The liver disease does cause itching. I’m fortunate in that mine isn’t too bad compared to what some people get. The fatigue was extremely debilitating but a change in diet greatly improved that. I get recurrent episodes of shortness of breath which can be related to the liver condition but I think also has a strong link with trauma. The kind of trauma resolution work I’m doing now I think is actually helping with the breathing. But I actually think the trauma, liver issues and breathing issues are all interconnected.

You are so right that it’s hard for others to understand why we are going well sometimes and really not well at others. I think it’s so important to take a rest whenever you need and not feel guilty about it. I’ve always put myself under way too much pressure (conditioning since childhood) but very gradually learning not too.

Hope you can get to see some whales sometime  🐳  or other interesting creatures 🙂

[Eagle Ray]

Hi EM,

 I live near an estuary and stingrays come into it including eagle rays. They are so graceful how they move through the water. One day I was doing a mindfulness meditation down there. Several times when I opened my eyes an eagle ray would swim by. It gave me such a sense of peace. I can reach some of that peace now just by remembering the eagle ray. As it feels important to my healing it seemed appropriate for a BB forum name.

 I actually watched an interview with Joe Dispenza the other day. It was great and very helpful so thank you 🙏 He made a lot of sense in how we can create a different reality for ourselves.

That’s great about the visualisations. They can be so helpful and great to do with a friend too. It’s sounds like you were sending positive, healing reverberations out into the world. And I think prayer can link to gratitude which is such a healing emotion. It’s like a reverence for life. I was actually feeling gratitude when I was watching the eagle ray.

Thank you so much for your kind thoughts 🙏💕

[Mum Chris]

Hi Eagle ray 

I agree getting into nature is very grounding the effects of even a small group of potted plants and being with animals is amazingly therapeutic. I’m lucky I have a garden and a giant stinky dog that never leaves my side. When I’m in the midst of trauma he won’t even go outside to do his business. I have to go with him or he won’t go out the door. I’m growing herbs flowers chilli fruit trees and trying some leafy greens. Leafy greens have been an issue with bugs so I’ve spread them amongst flowers and shrubs. I’ve just planted some shrub tomatoes and beans also scattered around yard. I bought some super miniature bananas so fingers crossed we get some bananas but I think they may struggle. I get to pick at the garden check the progress and hope mice and bush rats stay away long enough for us to get some home grown food. 
The garden has been my love and even obsession for most of my life and I’m just getting back into it. It’s a unloved mess but slowly it’s coming back from the brink. Just like me I suppose I am finding myself and trying to break free from my cocoon. I’m so lucky too to find a good psychologist I’m not into talk therapy I’ve tried that I’m doing more intense therapy. We will do rapid eye movement treatment can’t remember the name I’m dealing with Covid fog and have flu so brain is slowed. Every time we do more and go further into the trauma I do find I have intense reactions and get very unstable but we’ve done work on grounding and keeping safe. I don’t really even have to tell him he can tell when I’m struggling and then the session is back to bringing down my cortisol levels and breathing and feeling happy and relaxed. I’m getting quite good at getting to my happy place now but sometimes I don’t want to I get defiant and I want to feel my sadness or anger. 

I do believe there’s more than one way to get over CPTSD but for me talk therapy was a waste of time. Learning why other people hurt others and different personality disorders really helped because I spent a lot of time trying to understand WHY and putting my behaviour in their behaviour and it never made sense. I never saw the lies and the intent. Once I realised that they didn’t think like me or act like me it was an ooooh moment.

 I’m sure as I retrain my brain and reposition my trauma I will find new ways and new depth to living a full life. 

MC

[Eagle Ray]

Hi MC,

Your garden sounds wonderful! It’s great to experiment and grow different things. I have fruit trees where I now live - orange, mandarin, lemon, pomegranate and peach. My neighbour gave me some silverbeet seedlings the other day so looking for the best place to put them.

Your dog sounds so lovely, intuitive and loyal. I love that he is protecting you and wanting to be with you at vulnerable times. They can be so sensitive and responsive to us.

That’s great you have found a good psychologist. It’s great when you are feeling progress. I can go back into the anger part too (though it tends to turn inwards which I know isn’t good for me), but I can feel myself shifting from that, even after just two visits with a new psych.

 I too have not found talk therapy helpful for CPTSD. I tried for 17 years! I’m now doing somatic-based work with a clinical psych and have made a lot of progress quickly and know I’m now on the right track, which is a huge relief. I’m already much less shutdown in myself and feel braver and stronger going out into the world.

 I can also relate to what you say about people thinking differently. I’m a strong empath and highly sensitive to the feelings and emotions of others. But it took me a long while to grasp that there are people who think and operate so completely differently. I didn’t always see people’s intent either. Sometimes my gut instinct would pick up a bad feeling from someone, but I had this inner voice that would override that, thinking I’m sure they’re really nice and everything’s fine. I’ve learned now to listen much more to my gut instinct and intuition.

 I think with childhood complex trauma we can get so confused about the nature of people, who we can trust or not trust, and how to trust our intuition. But I think it’s possible to develop a natural kind of intuitive capacity that just got derailed early in life. It’s already there and is kind of set free as trauma progressively releases. And I think it’s the same part of us that knows how to grow, heal and live a full life, like what you are describing. It’s like reclaiming our birthright.

[Mum Chris]

Hi Eagle ray

It blows my mind the effects of CPTSD. It’s almost identical no matter what happened or if we are male or female. We all have a checklist of symptoms clinging on and affecting our adult lives. 
My psychologist works with the courts and violent offenders and the police service. He said my physical behaviour is same as the police he has helped with ptsd. I always scan for doors and windows and keep myself positioned so I can’t be surprised. It was interesting to hear but also I never knew I did it but also I thought everyone kept an eye and a ear out to keep rack of their surroundings. I’d been told I had hyper vigilance but took it as an insult as it was usually in relation to my parenting. I watched those kids like a hawk and protected them with vengeance. I had a recent violent experience and it floored me and I doubted everything I thought I had achieved in my life. I found I was the little girl hurt abused and scared again. 
Therapy I’m doing is similar to somatic but different it’s about refocusing my physical reactions to memory that I carry. 7 months ago I had to have a very confrontational conversation with my husband and I sweated couldn’t breathe nearly past out just getting the words out last month had similar conversation and stared straight in his eyes and said my piece. He’s a gentle man not scary but he’s had his own way for all our marriage and he has let me do my own thing too. So not a terrible situation but there were things out of order and I want more for me now. I won’t say he’s super happy with the new me but I told him you can have me sick and compliant or healthy and mouthy 😆 

My anger goes inward too I get very self destructive that’s what got me onBB forum. My husband saved me and made me get help. When we met and got serious I was very well and strong and had built a good life but he used to tell people I had one foot in the door and one foot out the door. Seeing me unwell has been a big shock and he didn’t handle it well. I have safety first there’s cameras and spotlights and locks on door. The police sent locksmith to make a room as a safe room for me. I often am in that room quiet and withdrawn. Loud noises and seeing things at the coronavirus my eyes but nothing there. Next psychologist  session is getting rid of the vision of that happening again. 

MC

[Driffle]

Apologies for the slow response, I'm new here and haven't figured out notifications.

You mentioned the possibility of DSP. I'd recommend getting it if you can, as you're on a long haul and it can really help to give you a stable and secure platform to heal. And if you do heal, don't worry, they'll take it off you!

In my experience the profession that best grasps how trauma can be held in the body, and the connection between trauma and the ANS, is osteopathy. You mentioned responding positively to Bowen Therapy, which releases tension from myofascia (fascia enclosing the muscles). Osteopaths are much more highly trained and treat trauma that's held in many more connective tissues than just myofascia. I was subjected to trauma in-utero that never resolved and they can identify it immediately; unfortunately I found them too late in life to be a quick fix, but there is no way I could have hoped to heal without this intervention.

Given that you know your birth was traumatic, if you're exploring this avenue don't go to just any osteopath, find one experienced in cranial osteopathy who has studied paediatrics, as they will have both training and experience in identifying and treating pre-natal and birth injuries.

Acupuncture addresses the PSNS/SNS directly (they call it yin/yang). It's unlikely to fundamentally change anything but may temporarily settle ANS craziness. I find Chinese-trained ones can be on the brutal side and choose ones who practice gentler Japanese styles like Toyohari, or who were trained in Australia.

For physical exercises, qi gong may be helpful. There's also a new-ish therapy called Trauma Release Exercises that teaches a natural, primal method for releasing trauma from the body. I struggle to do both of these due to severity, but I can tell that they're helpful.

[Eagle Ray]

Hi MC,

You’ve been through a lot but it sounds like you are doing helpful processing work. I’ve only gradually learned over time that I’m constantly hyper-vigilant, so I understand about learning that not everyone is like this. A TRE (Trauma Releasing Exercises) therapist noticed last year that I was raising my left hand to the side of my head while talking. I’d never noticed it before. I realised the first time I remember being hit as a child came from the left, and a much more recent abusive attack did as well. The therapist said he has the same reflex but from the right, so I’m guessing he’s been subject to some kind of violence as well. It’s like gradually learning that we are not under attack in the present.

 I understand about compliance verses speaking up. I have been way too compliant all my life but I’m learning to set boundaries and say no. There’s a guy who writes about CPTSD, Pete Walker, who talks about fight, flight, freeze and fawn. He’s added in the last one as people with CPTSD can go out of their way to be compliant and accommodating to others as a way of minimising possible threat. It’s like feeling like we are less likely to be attacked or harmed if we do what others want. But of course this is not healthy, especially as a long term strategy. I’ve gradually learned I’m not keeping danger at bay by being compliant, I’m actually making things much harder for myself and inviting others to treat me poorly. So, like you, I’m getting better at asserting myself and it can come as a bit of a shock to those who are used to us being compliant!

It sounds like you are doing awesome work on your healing journey.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Driffle,

Thanks so much for your helpful suggestions.

 I think my body has been trying to tell me that DSP will give it the best chance of healing. At the same time I know finding the right job, as long as it’s something my body can handle, can actually be very healing and provide a sense of purpose and community. I would definitely be only working part-time. I’ve had some good improvements from recent somatic therapy so will see how I go.

That’s very interesting about osteopathy. I will look into it. I’m sorry for your trauma in-utero. One of my earliest dreams as a very small child involved me being on a conveyer belt with metal instruments poking and prodding me. It was in a factory of metal machines, no humans in sight. I was a breach birth by forceps, not breathing properly and put straight in a humidicrib without human contact. I can’t help wondering looking back if that early dream was about my birth. Certainly I felt a lack of human warmth and connectivity from an early age and in complete isolation. I didn’t grasp for a long time how this isolation is not how we are supposed to start life.

 I did do some laser acupuncture a while back. I’ll have a look into Toyohari. I learned some tai chi a while ago and that can be really helpful at grounding the body and getting a healthy flow of energy through the whole body.

 I did TRE last year. It helped me greatly with releasing trauma from a recent incident of abuse. The practitioner combined it with BWRT. It was powerfully effective but I did find my body relapsing after a while because of deeper, embedded complex trauma. The Somatic Experiencing I’m doing now feels it is reaching further into these longer held patterns. I have a book edited by the founder of TRE, David Berceli, called Shake it Off Naturally. It’s very interesting and shaking is such a normal biological component of trauma release and recovery, and yet is often treated medically as some kind of pathology. Animals in the wild naturally release trauma this way. Last year my body went into the principle TRE exercise all on it’s own when I was resting in nature and tremored away for about an hour. It was what it needed to do.