Tired

Delectable · ‎10-10-2020

I’m tired of a lot of things, of doing this thing called life alone. I chose not to have children after living a traumatic childhood till I was 13 and placed in stare care. I never experienced love from my family or my past boyfriends. I have spent my entire life feeling never good enough for people, in the last fifteen years after I left a relationship I have felt more distant then ever. I worked as much as possible so I was either tired and didn’t think about the loneliness. I lot a few contracts and started baking, giving the food away when I could afford to do so. I’ve rented for the last 15 years and have had to do one bad move which was very hard on me giving away a beautiful harden and accessories to people I thought were friends but users in the end as I only live 30kns away and they choose to have nothing to do with me. I only work one day now and am struggling with filling in time, I do exercise every day for an hour, but there’s still over 13 hours to fill in. As i live in Victoria near NSW I’m stuck because of the coronavirus in Melbourne and not allowed out of my state though my area hadn’t had any cases for 90 days.

Tired of making friends to be let down by then, one life friend said speak to the psychologist, so I speak once every 6 weeks. I really don’t see much point continuing my life, there’s only so much one can take and I feel like ending my life especially iff I cannot go to Queensland in December for Christmas which I have not had Christmas for over 35 years with anyone. I do not take drugs or drink alcohol, just extremely overtired of my living.

Sophie_M · ‎12-01-2021

Dear Delectable,

We're so sorry to hear what a difficult time you are going through. We can hear how worthless you are feeling at the moment but we wanted to remind you that you are not worthless in our eyes. We care about you and it sounds like you could do with a bit of extra support today. Please try and be kind to yourself, take a break, and do something that you enjoy, or something that helps you to feel even slightly better. In the meantime, we are here to listen and support you.

Delectable · ‎12-01-2021

Thank you, people’s actions show what you’re like. I feel very betrayed by my gp, I don’t know why she concealed that information from me.
The problem I have now is I’m applying for DSP and was advised consistency with the same doctors is important but how can I say she is my doctor after what she had done to me, it’s inexcusable. I really need to change doctors now, as I need all the medical evidence I can get... it’s not going to look good on my application that my twit of a doctor cannot recognise what a specialist has written and told her. I don’t know what to do, I don’t even see the point continuing. I am only here because as soon as we are allowed to travel I’m going back home, to Europe. that’s the only thing keeping me alive and I so need that to happen this year...there is nothing here for me in Australia and it’s very clear everyone thinks I’m a nobody or worthless piece of rubbish.

Delectable · ‎12-01-2021

I didn’t ask to be born to German alcoholic violent parents, whom married out of a magazine and not for love. Never understood why my mother married a man on the other side of the world she’d never met. Maybe that’s why they were such horrible parents, violent and if I got anything nice given to me they would chop it up with an axe. They were both heavy drinkers, my father drank Johnny walker straight a bottle a night, so he escaped Germany when he was 14, got on a ship and illegally came to Australia in 1924. Never had any relatives, guess they died in World War One. I often wonder if I had any from Russia or France as I feel very drawn there, so I maybe a terrible mentally ill person because of my heritage and trauma from birth to teens if you call them that but I never asked for this. Till this day people still say Germans are unfriendly and rude, I never asked for that either. All I asked was for love which never happened and for the record I don’t experience happiness just chronic emptiness.
People don’t ask for the crap their heritage and parentage brings, so you can all think badly of me, I don’t care anymore if no one cares.

Guest909 · ‎13-01-2021

Hi Delectable

Please forgive me for barging in like a bull in a china shop, but your last few posts caught my attention. Let me start by saying, I have no mental health issues, so I do not speak from experience. In addition, your thread is a lengthy one, so I am not up to speed with your situation.

A few posts back you said, you were diagnosed with BPD. I would have thought that would have been of some comfort to you. I say that because the diagnosis explains a lot of the issues you are going through right now; the low self-esteem, the emptiness, the anger, the irrational thinking, the emotions, and all the other issues that accompany BPD. Your diagnosis puts all of those issues into a nice tidy box, with a label on it.

My point is, now that you know you have BPD, you can work through theses issues. With knowledge come power; the power to heal.

In a previous post you mentioned that you were applying for DSP. Why does that have to change? Why do you have to change doctors? Is this your BPD talking, or is a new doctor absolutely necessary. Think about that.

In answer to your last question, no, you did not ask for any of this. That said, use this diagnosis to heal yourself.

Paul

Delectable · ‎13-01-2021

My doctor still does not recognise I have border personality disorder, she wasn’t the one that told me. It was the psychiatrist whom I’ve seen twice via Telehealth that told me...he told me he diagnosed me the first visit aug 2019 which the doctor failed to do, I’ve been having treatment for ptsd as that’s all she recognises I have even though the psychiatrist told her otherwise so she is hardly going to be any use applying for the pension is she?

I don’t have irrational thinking, how people treat you over time is how I think about things...most people treat me like a fool, eg the doctor. My psychologist is the only one who treats me as a human...and the doctor couldn’t even inform her my aug 2019 diagnosis. Yes I still have ptsd but the other is more significant and needs more work. Out of all the mh issues I would not want border personality disorder... people confuse it with bipolar as this has happened here with another person just presuming that’s what I had. Look, it’s ok I’m a nobody, I get it that I’m poor and don’t amount to anything. I just hope I’m a lesson to someone who may have kids one day and hope the parents do the right thing and the child doesn’t go through any shit because of the parents..

Delectable · ‎13-01-2021

The psychiatrist has also told me he thinks i will have it for the rest of my life, he said he has seen some changes in people but I wonder if they have someone who loves them, even if it was only in the formative years. Trauma affects the way the brain develops and when there is significant history it gets complex. I’ve had to parent myself and it’s obvious I have not done it properly, how do you do it when you’ve had no examples anyway?

If someone is reading this and think they are like me please find someone to help you, don’t turn out like me.

Guest909 · ‎13-01-2021

Hi Delectable

Did you know, PTSD and BPD commonly co-occur. Evidently 25-60% of people with BPD also have PTSD.

It is not uncommon for physicians to disagree with each other; they are not gods; they are not perfect. That is something you need to keep in mind.

As far as your diagnosis goes, I can see two big problems, from what you have shared:

Your GP doctor, is probable not the best person to assess MH issues.
A diagnosis from a psychiatrist that you have seen twice via telehealth, is probably not that reliable.

In regard to you phycologist, your doctor probably did the right thing by not informing her about your BPD diagnosis in Aug of 2019. If your doctor had mentioned the BPD diagnosis, that would influence your phycologist's thinking. I would suggest that you doctor wanted an independent, impartial and unbiased diagnosis from your phycologist. Think about that for a while; the keyword is unbiased.

I hope this opens up another line of thought for you.

Paul

Delectable · ‎13-01-2021

It was my psychologist/ social worker that asked for the pysch review as she was the one that suggested I had the traits, and she is not qualified to make the diagnosis. I cannot afford to see a psychiatrist in person, there are no concessions if you’re unemployed. The Telehealth is the only funded in the area I live. You’re allowed one free visit per year. My psychologist/ social worker feels she isn’t helping me, she said if I have bpd I would need DBT through community health, something I’d rather not do, I don’t like group therapy, I rather one on one. I’m wanting less contact with people day by day, it’s easier as it prevents long term hurt and disappointment for me, therefore I do not wish to discuss my problems with others in group therapy as it’s private and I don’t need or want other people beside professionals knowing.

My gp is a register, we don’t have bulk billing here for qualified doctors so I guess that’s my own fault since I do t have $40 spare per visit to see a qualified doctor. My gp is a new Australian and doesn’t understand how to do things, yesterday she said I can’t have blood tests and a mental health care plan on the same day. So I took my results and will go to another gp and get the plan from there, I’m over being treated like a nobody. I have been advised if you’re poor and of no one of notably then you are treated like a nobody, well I’ve done my time and frankly don’t have the patience for any more treatment like that, what for anyway to achieve what I have which is just going around in circles.

Guest909 · ‎13-01-2021

Ok, I think I've got the story now:

You have a foreign GP, that is not sure which way is up - her guess was PTSD
You have had two Telehealth sessions with a psychiatrist - he thinks you have BPD
You are seeing a social worker that suspects BPD, but in not qualified to make a diagnosis

I can see the confusion. Yes, I would go to another GP and get a "mental health care plan". Hopefully that will lead you a phycologist that can at least diagnose the problem. You can't treat a MH disorder until you know what you are dealing with.

If it does turn out to be BPD, it's not the end of the world. DBT/CBT treatment through community health is better than no treatment at all.

Delectable · ‎13-01-2021

Actually my old social worker from 6 years ago diagnosed me with ptsd, I have never had a diagnosis from a doctor.

I won’t be going to community health, I’ve done group therapy when I was in my teens for all my teens and I don’t like it for the reasons stated before. I will ask my current social worker who I see on the 3 February for a dbt book to work from at home...I want to be by myself from now on for reasons stated before..besides I don’t fit with others and I’m too different, I’m tired of rude people staring at me like I’m some type of freak...I’ve got 11.5 months to go..to hopefully I can go home for good, would rather be a freak in a country I feel connected to then one I don’t.

Thanks for caring,