Tired

[Delectable]

I’m tired of a lot of things, of doing this thing called life alone. I chose not to have children after living a traumatic childhood till I was 13 and placed in stare care. I never experienced love from my family or my past boyfriends. I have spent my entire life feeling never good enough for people, in the last fifteen years after I left a relationship I have felt more distant then ever. I worked as much as possible so I was either tired and didn’t think about the loneliness. I lot a few contracts and started baking, giving the food away when I could afford to do so. I’ve rented for the last 15 years and have had to do one bad move which was very hard on me giving away a beautiful harden and accessories to people I thought were friends but users in the end as I only live 30kns away and they choose to have nothing to do with me. I only work one day now and am struggling with filling in time, I do exercise every day for an hour, but there’s still over 13 hours to fill in. As i live in Victoria near NSW I’m stuck because of the coronavirus in Melbourne and not allowed out of my state though my area hadn’t had any cases for 90 days.

Tired of making friends to be let down by then, one life friend said speak to the psychologist, so I speak once every 6 weeks. I really don’t see much point continuing my life, there’s only so much one can take and I feel like ending my life especially iff I cannot go to Queensland in December for Christmas which I have not had Christmas for over 35 years with anyone. I do not take drugs or drink alcohol, just extremely overtired of my living.

[Delectable]

I’m not saying everyone is the same, I just want people to be wary of that effect of the things they do and how hard it impacts someone. to cross the border is not something I’m happy about, my car is 16 years old and quite frankly doesn’t need to be sitting in 4 hour of snail traffic one reason I live here because I’m poor. The liberal party now want people to move for a job, like how are they going to pay for a removalist and 4 weeks bond?
I cannot afford this life and this border situation were back in after having no crap for 5 weeks of no permits it’s all back...but worse as police only have one lane open of a two lane road. I know I’m worthless and people don’t give two crackers about people like me,

[Delectable]

I hope your life gets easier Sleepy, I really do. I wish I had a wand and could make all your troubles disappear, I’m tired of trying to look after myself that’s all, just when I make some progress it gets taken away and I cannot change the situation, it’s out of my control and o don’t like this ride.

[Guest_1643]

that's okay Delectable, i can see your point of view

ur right there is a lot of issues now financially post covid

Of course it is upsetting not to have the government support.... it sounds like the covid situation is really difficult for u right now.

[Delectable]

It’s one year since China admitted to Who about the virus they concealed for how long from the world, how people forget?

[Guest_1643]

hey Delectable

I know what you mean 100 percent

it is very frustrating being out of control, when ur trying to plan on improvements for u life...

Do u have to stay home now where u are? i'm sorry it sounds so ignorant but for my MH i don't follow the news about Covid except the rules that pertain to my area of Melbourne...just because it's too much
So I don't know what's happening so much

I wander if maybe you might benefit form having a break from the news...it can be very heavy. When I need to find something out I just ask the shopowner at the servo and they tell me. That's how I found out that we need to wear masks indoors again.. Otherwise I didn't know.

Did you find another gp clinic? I changed GP recently and it helped me a lot.

Wishing you a calm start to 2021 and lots of good wishes

[Delectable]

No, it’s not easy to change gp as most won’t take new patients and there isn’t any decent on my side...I cannot see a specialist either. I do have to isolate myself as I can’t help the old people if they think I’ve been near too many strangers, I only read abc news as it applies to me, there are a number of people from Sydney in this area apparently using it as a safety point till they can go back to Melbourne....and they have arrived since December 21.... o only go out for exercise here, nothing else...and if I see people I walk around them by 30m. I rather not see people at the moment, as there’s lots of couples and kids...I don’t need any reminders of how different it am or not good enough. It would be so nice to have someone supporting me in real life telling me it’s ok and looking after me...however my life is completely opposite to that and I’m tired of it...tired of having to parent and care for myself for all these years ...

[Delectable]

I would also like someone to love me just once and not be crazy...guess that’s never meant to be. There’s only so much one can take of anything and I’m well past the expiry of a lot of things...I don’t want to be here if I cannot take a short break to explore a new place, as that’s all I have left...I’ll never be able to go back home as whenever it does happen it will be truly out of my price range...travel on a shoestring overseas who am I kidding... I wish I had known earlier my male parent had illegally entered Australia as I’d have reported him to the authorities and maybe I would be sent back as well, it’s so hard to live in a place you aren’t compatible in and the way I am is a result of not being good enough for anyone here. You can never make a square jigsaw piece fit in a round hole!

[Guest_1643]

that's a shame

my gp wouldn't take on new patients officially but I had to beg

I asked the receptionists to as the GP

you could say you just want a second opinion and not to see them long term - and get in that way

Or that you just want a referral to a MH professional because you have struggled and been at risk over this time

In terms of not being lovable or it being too late after having to parent urself

I don't know about that - I believe things can change.

[Delectable]

Sleepy,

It’s ok, all the victorians who have been turned back at the border are on the side where the gp and psychologist is so it’s best I don’t go there, there’s a lot of Sydney people there too. I don’t understand their need for travel in their situation, if only they would stay at home. Cannot risk getting anything from all those campers as I don’t know where they have been and it would jeopardise my help with the elderly as I wouldn’t be able to go...so even though there’s no lockdown there may as well be one with all the repercussions of the other state that has Covid-19. I don’t like the specialist on this side for endometriosis, she said I had to get the bloating down which is impossible as it’s a symptom of endometriosis, her and the psychiatrist o both walked out on, I have no tolerance or patience for excuses for doctors who just want to fob me off. Sometimes I think it’s because I’m poor that instead of saying the truth they make it up as they stand to gain no money.

I just have to hope it doesn’t get out of hand in Melbourne otherwise having a police block on both sides and limited movement like once before when emergency and freight were only allowed to cross.

I read a great novel - The secrets we kept by L. Prescott, and have reserved more books on Russia at the library, I’m finding it impossible to read or watch anything non European, I still have an American book to read for my psychologist that she recommended, and I can always do a jigsaw, I have a 2000 piece to do of Budapest and smaller ones of Menton, St Petersburg, Prague, Paris that I treated myself 4 months ago from overseas, I couldn’t buy them in Australia even if I wanted to....

I offered to teach my old social worker how to make Italian Christmas biscuits as she would like to learn...I’m not sure if that’s happening now as she is interstate. I have stopped cooking for people, which i miss as it gave me something to do however it’s too humid to be eating that food, you mentioned you like buying things from overseas?

Where are your favourite places to buy from?

[Delectable]

Well Sleepy this is for you, I do have borderline personality disorder and was diagnosed in the first psych appointment in August 2019 but my go failed to mention it to me, and never mentioned it to me., confirming my belief that I am a worthless piece of rubbish...I’ve always sensed being poor you get treated like a nobody because no one cares..I saw my gp for the last time today, I was upset she had lied to me all this time and wasted my life with the therapy treated. I just asked for my blood tests results and left. Not wanting to have anything to do with people anymore after this. I’m trying to even think what’s the point in being here as I’m never going to have a relationship with anyone or ever experience love in my whole life. I don’t want to trigger you sleepy, no one else cares. They probably think I’m just some worthless piece of trash too. Look after your sleepy.