Tired of trying to ignore childhood SA

[Drewboy]

Hi out there. I am a 45 year old man and have worked hard to build my life, but for some reason the memories of my childhood SA have been coming on stronger and more frequently that it's becoming hard to ignore them and keep moving forward.  My older brother and a friend's dad separately groomed and SA'd me from about the ages of 5 to 12.  I never felt comfortable with it but went along so I wouldn't get in trouble, as they told me that would happen if I didn't play along.  When I had just turned 14, a 19 yo neighbour who i liked, trusted and thought was a friend coerced me and technically took my 'adult virginity' I guess, but then moved and never made contact again.  After that, I was scared to trust people but eventually let myself get into a relationship at 21, which took a few years to get comfortable with.  Since then, i've fought hard to ignore and I guess repress the SA I went through as a child, and it's worked out pretty ok until now as I've focused on building my life up.  But over the last 12 months the SA memories have been coming back stronger and stronger and I'm just getting so tired of trying to repress them.  It's definitely affecting my mood at times.  I worry it's affecting my partner and relationship.  Sex has an element of fear about it these days.  I know I should talk about this stuff professionally but that just feels like a very long and horribly uncomfortable road to go down, and I feel massive anxiety at the thought of seeking that kind of help. I've never told anyone about this stuff, and feel hesitant to even write it here, but I'm not sure what else to do.

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Drewboy,

 I am so sorry about what you went through when you were so young. Perhaps the memories are surfacing now because something in you is wanting or needing to deal with it in order to move forward? Whatever the case, I think it’s important to go gently if you start to look at dealing with these past experiences. I totally understand the reluctance to start delving into these things professionally. What I would say is if you start such a process and it doesn’t feel right, you are in control and can decide how far you want to go down that path. I think for survivors of childhood SA and other forms of abuse, we have had that experience of our power being taken from us at a young age and so it’s important to feel safe and that we are in control if we start to deal with those things later in life.

 I’m currently doing therapy for early life complex trauma. I did not experience SA as a child directly, though I had two male relatives attempt to groom me between the ages of 10 and 13. I did experience physical and verbal abuse from a very young age. I experienced two sexual assaults as a young adult. I can relate to the feelings of fear in relation to intimacy which are very strong in me, so much so I still struggle to discuss it with my therapist. However, I have made some progress in therapy so I think it can be beneficial, but it’s really important to find a therapist who is the right fit for you and to do therapy at a pace where you feel in control of the process.

You could begin by speaking with your GP if they are someone you feel trusting enough to open up to. They can do a referral to a psychologist for up to 10 sessions with a Medicare rebate. You can have them choose a psychologist to refer you to, or you can research psychologists yourself to find one that seems potentially the right fit. Many practices have websites now with info about their areas of expertise. You could do a bit of a search to look for some who works with childhood SA.

Another option is ringing 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732 who are well experienced in this area and could be a good first port of call just to talk and get a sense of supports available for survivors of childhood SA. You may also get some helpful info looking through their website. Another option is The Blue Knot Foundation who assist people with complex trauma from childhood. They are available 9am - 5pm everyday (eastern states time). Their number is 1300 657 380. I have used them a few times and found them helpful. They talk for 30-40 minutes (depending how busy they are) and you can call them once a week. Sometimes there is a bit of a wait when they are busy and you can leave a message if you prefer a call back which they will do in 48 hours. Also, the Beyond Blue helpline is available 24/7 on 1300 224 636 and may also be a good starting point to talk things through and look at options.

It may help to chat on the phone if that feels safer to begin with. I’d say sense what feels right for you. We are here too so post anytime if it helps. Again I’m so sorry for what you went through. I hope you can know there are supports available and just be gentle and kind with yourself and proceed in ways that feel safest for you. We are here to listen if you need it.

Kind regards,

Eagle Ray

[Drewboy]

Hi Eagle Ray

I want to say thankyou for your reply and for the very detailed options for support. I honestly had no idea there was that much support available, so that's good to see.  I also am sorry to hear of your negative experiences as a child.  I struggle to understand how people can abuse children, but I guess we are more likely to think that way after being on the bad side of it.  I hope you are improving and dealing with it all.

I will think more about speaking to my GP and looking at proper therapy sessions, but I just worry that delving deep into everything that happened will only make things worse. When I think of the things I was made to watch and do, or to have done to me while being pinned down or held, I get bad anxiety and my fingers start shaking (they're shaking now typiing this). I can still feel the physical pain and the feeling of embarrassment after, and I think the embarassment is worse for some reason.  Im sure I've blocked a lot of memories, and not sure if I have the strength of courage to see if that's the case.  While part of me thinks my family should know and my brother be held to some form of accountability, we are already fractured a bit as a family and this would make it worse I'm sure.  Our dad took his own life completely unexpectedly 6 years ago, and it split the family into peices. 

I definitely appreciate your advice that I'm in control of how far and fast to work on this problem.  I think a call to one of the numbers you provided will be the best for me for now, but I know it's going to take a lot to build myself up to that step.  I wish I wasn't so hesitant and afraid to fix this.  I just wish none of it had ever happened and I had a normal childhood/teenage years.  I guess that is something I have to come to terms with too.

Anyway, thanks again, and best of luck.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Drewboy,

 I think it is so important that you just go as gently as you need to. If you do seek some support in dealing with your experiences I agree with you that, yes, perhaps the phone lines such as 1800RESPECT and the Blue Knot Foundation may be easier to start with. There is no pressure to proceed with further therapy but it may just be a way of beginning to gently process things. It may help you to sense what may be best for you going forward.

I feel so much for what you went through. The first SA I went through I was 21 and it was by a health practitioner. I didn’t report it. I was in shock. I even weirdly blamed myself. I know looking back that was connected with my experience of physical and verbal abuse as a child where it was not safe to try and defend myself. When you were as young as you were it is much more difficult again to deal with SA as a child doesn’t have the capacity at any level to self-protect. I think I understand what you mean about the embarrassment being even worse. I was not raped in what I went through but held down, threatened and assaulted. I then blocked it for years and years.

My sense is something in you will know your limits about what you can handle when. If you did see a psychologist at some point you may want to work with them a while first before even looking at the SA. If you feel you and they are building good rapport you may then feel you want to look at it. But it’s important you are always in control and only go as far as you want to in delving into it. A good relationship with a therapist can help to establish trust that can have a healing/restorative effect, but it needs to be a therapist you connect with.

 I don’t know if anyone at all in your life knows about what happened to you. There is the option of just speaking with someone on a phone line first outside of people known to you. That takes off any pressure about family knowing until/unless you want to share with them. While, yes, your brother should be accountable on the one hand, it’s still up to you as to what is the best path for your mental well being.

One thing that can help with memories being activated are grounding exercises. That’s something the people on helplines may be able to help you with and also a psych if you work with one. One thing a psych taught me was to just look around the room and see what I can observe for a couple of minutes. I would notice a pot plant cascading down the side of a book case, books, colours, light etc. She would ask me to report back to her what I saw. It was calming and brought me back to the present moment.

Walking barefoot on the ground, feeling the grass or sand underneath your feet is another grounding method to help you know you are safe and in the present.

Those are just some thoughts in case they help if you starting feeling any overwhelming feelings from the past. Please be gentle with yourself. Remember there is no pressure to do anything and you can go as gradually and gently as you want to if you do start to look into things. You have already shown great courage posting here.

I am so sorry about your dad too. That is another layer of trauma. That it is something else you could look at some support for too, but again at your pace, if and when you want to.

I hope maybe that helps a bit. Take good care and sending you support,

ER