The void

[BG_95]

Hi guys. I don’t really know how to start this. I guess it’s complicated. I have no intention to harm myself and when I talk about how I feel it’s always the constant worry but that isn’t what I plan to do. I just feel like this world isn’t for me. I feel like I am out of my body in a way-looking at myself and everybody around me and I don’t understand how or why I’m involved in any of it. I’m very intelligent-so I’ve been told and I look at socioeconomic spaces and society and media and I think the good and bad in the world and the rollercoaster of life is too much and I want to get off the rollercoaster and just feel peace (peace alive not unalive) I don’t see myself being able to feel safe in a relationship to start a family because I self sabotage due to fear of abandonment. I don’t want to work everyday of my life because I have worked so hard and am a good worker and I’m not cared for in jobs like I care for jobs so what’s the point. I’m studying a degree that I’m passionate about but it’s in a negative work environment (hospital/healthcare)  I care so much and I wish I just cared a normal amount. I know I’m not the only one to feel like this but for myself I’m sick of being in such a negative space and I feel like I’m drowning and stuck in a pit of darkness. I have had these depression episodes on and off my whole life. 6 months of the year I’m off work due to depression. Real depression and not laziness. I have been told I have major depression, mild anxiety and complex ptsd due to some physical abuse and a LOT of verbal abuse and manipulation in childhood. CBT therapy dosent really work for me and idk what else is there to help. Trust me, I’m not a lazy person and have tried the whole meditation, self help books, CBT therapy, medication, look you name it-I’ve worked really hard at it. I’m 28 years old and all I want to do and all I do is sleep lately and most of the time anyway just worse other times. 13-14 hours a day because I don’t want to feel anything. I don’t know what else to do. I’m lost and yes I know it sounds really terrible like I will hurt myself but I don’t want to and won’t do it I’m just screaming for help at this point and looking for a way to stop hating myself and the world and being so negative. I’m tired and have been working on myself since I was 16 years old and I’m tired and just want things to get better and my hard work on myself to start paying off 😞 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Your post reminded me before I was 26yo. I'm now 67 and I'm happy that the last 41 years have been so positive and motivating even with bipolar and other stuff. 

So I feel that after all of your preventative things you listed including treatment, someone like this guy can suggest a few ideas that might be worth trying.

At 26yo I had been a rather negative thinker and didnt know till 46yo that I had mental health issues. I was invited to attend a speech, I didnt know it was a motivational one. In 30 minutes my life changed forever. I was shaking, buoyed, lifted... I was a new man.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/30-minutes-can-change-your-life/td-p/154525

Just need to read the first post of these. 

So the swing from a half empty cup to half full cup can come instantly you just need to find the way. Motivation from an outside source is one way but equally effective is motivation from within.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/anxiety/anxiety-how-l-eliminated-it/td-p/183873

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/motivation-search-and-rescue-it/td-p/38279

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/acceptance-is-this-our-biggest-challenge/td-p/14769...

On another topic I attended a counsellor once and spoke of my dwelling on things, she then told me "when are you going to throw those rocks in the river?"  It hit a cord, I began to do so. So good triggers can work.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/triggers-that-down-you-triggers-that-lift-you/td-p/...

Eventually with this motivation and peace of mind you become a problem solver and a lust to be lifted. This is quite separate from mental illness, sometimes with MI we have not got the capacity of being motivated and trying just produces disappoints = more depression or feelings of hopelessness. 

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/depression/depression-and-the-timing-of-motivation/td-p/149708

Finally... I have a special youtube video. Find a quiet place and play this, use it in relaxation exercises or just lying in bed.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BhrtbBrMQ1Y

Thats some homework, I hope it helps. Reply anytime

TonyWK

[Eagle Ray]

Hi BG_95,

I had a few thoughts reading your post as I also have complex PTSD and anxiety and depression that has spun off from that. I thought I would share them in case they help, but please disregard them if they don't fit your situation.

One thought that first came to mind is a complex trauma pattern that can manifest where we are often striving and being hard on ourselves. From what I have read on CPTSD, and it certainly applies to myself, is we can often be striving very hard, like we have an invisible pressure to be successful, help others and carry a kind of burden of responsibility to do everything right all the time. Many with CPTSD have striven to do well in their studies and work in a field that supports others too. But it's often like we are still carrying the burdens of responsibility that we felt as a child, that if we keep trying harder, doing more, perhaps the invisible parent in out psyche will be more accepting of us, be less abusive, actually come to show love towards us etc. We can have an internalised pressure/critic that is driving us, often beyond out awareness much of the time. This understandably generates anxiety/hypervigilance. Then when we hit a point of exhaustion and overwhelm we can slide into depression.

To give a very simple example from this morning, I went out the back early to water the garden. As I'm starting to become aware of my inner dialogue now I will share it. It went something like this: "You haven't watered the lawn enough and you need to deal with those brown areas, but that is using more water when it's a scarce resource, and look you've lived here for nearly two years now and you haven't figured out the system with the rainwater tank, and you still haven't finished that pruning, and you haven't sorted things in the garage, and you might be disturbing the neighbours watering this early, and you should put water in the bird bath as hot weather is coming and the birds might need it, and those plants are not in better shape as you haven't cared for them properly etc...". And so continued what should have been a peaceful time watering the garden. I then came inside to make coffee and it continued: "You poured too much ground coffee into the coffee plunger. Now it is brewing it is going to be too strong. But you can't waste it so you have to drink it. Now you will probably be more wired etc...". Basically in the span of half an hour I have managed to find multiple failings in myself while worrying about the state of the world and have felt responsible for others (from humans to birds to plants).

The effect of all this is I can end up feeling really down about myself and also the state of the world. Then I have the relentless idealist in me that wants to help make the world better, thus I could relate to your statement: 

I care so much and I wish I just cared a normal amount.

You also mention feeling out of your body which I can very much relate to and I think this is the dissociation that is extremely common with complex PTSD. It is actually a survival mechanism that is developed in childhood that makes total sense at the time but can be an impediment later when it keeps occurring. I have done some somatic work with my psychologist on this and it has helped me become increasingly aware of what my body is doing and to learn to come back into my body and feel what's happening in it in the safe context of therapy. Those of us with CPTSD have often been escaping our body so to speak for a long time, and we need to know how to safely come back into it so we can inhabit our own being and feel truly alive and connected. I can recommend looking at Pete Walker's website and/or book on CPTSD. If you google "Pete Walker Complex PTSD" you'll find the website where there are some helpful tools listed on the left on the homepage. If you are not doing it already, working with a trauma-informed therapist with a good understanding of complex trauma and associated depression may help. Sometimes the depression is treated in isolation rather than in the context of a complex trauma history, and I think to fully understand and treat it the complex trauma context is important.

Going to run out of space here but just wanted to share those perspectives on some of the drivers that I think lead to the eventual depression that can set in with CPTSD. I hope that may provide some help. Best wishes, ER

[therising]

Hi BG_95

I'm so glad you've met with 2 of the most amazing people on the forums here. Eagle Ray and white knight have made such a positive difference to many over the years, myself included. With their life experience and insight, I hope they come to offer you some of the enlightenment you're looking for in the darkness.

While I can't entirely relate to CPTSD, I can relate to depression and the void, based on my own experience. The void, the verge, the in between or limbo, no matter what we call it, it's the place in the middle of the life we long to leave behind and the life we long for. It's the place of change. There can be so much hard work in the middle, a massive amount of hard work, as you well know. In the middle is where the trial and error process exists. It's where so many of the things that don't work are found. Can definitely feel like a cruel place to be, that's for sure. Personally, some of the greatest guides in my life are those who've tended to say, in one way or another, 'None of the typical stuff worked for me. What worked or works is more outside the square'. In a personal library of self help books gradually collected over a few decades, the small handful of books I've come to love the most are the outside the square ones. In the world of psychology, I appreciate the work of Carl Jung with his outside the square ways of thinking and seeing people. He was well ahead of his time and brought so much to light with his open mind and desire to find what works. And while medicine offers some solutions for people who struggle with mental health challenges, researchers who continue to search for new and greater ways truly inspire me.

Outside the square is where the 'you' factor that comes with inner dialogue can be addressed in a whole variety of fascinating ways. Becoming conscious of the 'you' factor, such as with hearing in our inner dialogue 'You are hopeless. You are so lazy. You're never going to get better', can make a difference. Whether it's 'the idealist' Eagle Ray mentions or 'the harsh and brutal critic' in us that we're listening to at times, consciousness (of them) becomes the first step toward interacting with them and managing them. Outside the square is where emotional understanding and well being can meet with quantum physics. If emotion is unseen energy in motion that can be felt, low cellular vibration due to low energy thoughts and feelings can help explain some of the reasons for the lack of physical excitement/energy in every cell in our body. It can help explain some of what creates an overall lack of excitement or lack of energy. 'I'm vibing low' takes on a whole new meaning when there's the recognition that our cells are vibrating 1)at a lower frequency and 2)with less volume or input. We're not lazy, our (battery) cells are not charged up enough or in a state of charge. You could say 'We can feel when we're not in charge'. There is so much outside the square, an enormous amount of unexplored stuff.

One of my favourite areas of research outside the square involves the question 'When you have the ability to sense so much, including just about everything that's depressing, how do you come to your senses in more productive, skillful and even liberating ways?'.

[BG_95]

Thank you so much. I’m overwhelmed with your response and will get back to you when I have the words. I mean this in a positive way also. I’m so thankful you took the time to respond. 

[496nanometerwaves]

Mate,

I’m guessing you’re also in a western environment. -Australia, right?

I’m 50 and have explored so many ways to get through the impact of the childhood trauma that shaped me. Everything except drug, alcohol or any other harmful addictions. 
It seems to me that are four option for people born in the west. Three of which are for overriding the truth of our existence, which leads to acquiescence, usually with questionably favourable outcomes, and only one other option for facing the darkness alone most of the time. 

Sometimes I think early childhood trauma inflicted upon those fortunate enough to be born in the west, especially if it’s severe and ongoing, somehow disrupts the social programming that makes us better at compartmentalising, building up buffers to desensitise us to so much, but particularly from realising the ongoing and parasitic violations our multinational institutions inflict globally upon hundreds of millions of people, mostly women and children, along the supply chain.