This will rip you apart, and who knows what it will leave afterwards

[Blackberry_rose]

I read something today, it said "This will rip you apart, and who knows what will be left afterwards." I use to love remembering and reading quotes, they would help me express my words in ways I couldn't put together. 

My inner turmoil often resembles a high-speed train derailing at neck-brakeing speeds, causing chaos and fear. However, as I find myself sinking to unfamiliar depths, I no longer recognize the person staring back at me. It's disorienting because I no longer care, which is unusual for me. In the past, I would have taken action, seeking solace in reading, writing, and engaging in activities that nourish my soul.. As I gaze into my own eyes, a sense of disorientation washes over me, unlike anything I've experienced before. The weight of being lost engulfs me, but this time it's different as I'm screaming inside to find myself. Today, I stumbled upon a quote that pierced through my soul, awakening me to a harsh reality. Its words hiss at me, warning that they will tear me apart, leaving behind an uncertain aftermath. These words refuse to fade away, unlike the rest of the thoughts that have plagued me this year. I find myself questioning why they resonate with me so deeply, why they refuse to release their grip on my mind. I'm constantly disconnected from reality, engaged in a daily struggle to comprehend my triggers and navigate through relentless mood swings. It's become clear that I've been tearing myself apart since the very moment I began to focus on myself, a journey that I never truly started.

[Croix]

Dear Blackberry_rose~

I think that phrase is sensationalist, destructive, harmful and stops one from having thoughts of gentle or self-paced  recovery.

So it is no surprise the effect it has had on you  - which is what those words intended. And quite frankly they could not be more false.

You are hte same person that said " In the past, I would have taken action, seeking solace in reading, writing, and engaging in activities that nourish my soul." Well OK, sometimes things are more difficult to assimilate and it is harder to cope, but you have it in you when not frightened by that horrible phrase.

Plus there is nothing  that says every feeling and memories have to be dealt with all at the same time in a big heap.

I was a policeman and invalided out with what became known as PTSD, depression and anxiety and over many years have reached a stage where I am pretty comfortable with my life and myself. Not 'fixed' but good.

I was never 'ripped apart'. Frankly it was morel like my granny pulling a knitted sweater back out to yarn and re-knitting it larger to fit me as I grew. A peaceful and gentle process

I can't pretend I have not had times very hard to deal with, but I've always come through wiht assistance, and if I can I'm sure you can too

Croix

[therising]

Hi Blackberry_rose

First, I have to say you have such a beautiful and soulful way of expressing yourself, something that speaks to your nature. Being such a soulful person is, I believe, one of the things that can make life such a tormenting experience at times. I feel for you so much as you struggle greatly with such incredible torment.

I've found that when things speak to me at a deeper level, my self understanding needs to go deeper. Not sure whether you've ever feel that too. As a 53yo gal, I've managed depressions since my late teens. The first lasted around 15 years and there have been periodic ones since then. Besides a couple that came about for purely physical reasons (caused by depressing levels of sleep apnea and B12 deficiency) what the rest have had in common involved some form of dissection.

When it comes to 'This will rip you apart, and who knows what will be left afterwards', I'll use my marriage as a good example. I began the relationship I have with my husband with a whole stack of beliefs, ideals and hopes, amongst many other things. Over the years, as I faced a number of depressing elements, I largely blamed myself for the struggles in our relationship. Then one day I began to wake up to the challenge of ripping it all apart. On the quest to better understand myself, my husband and the relationship we shared, the questions became plenty. In the debris of what was coming apart, I found beliefs that were destructive ('If I don't rock the boat, we'll be happy', 'If I suppress my need for adventure, I can learn to live with that' etc). In the debris I also found memories that surprised me. While there were happy ones, there were also heartbreaking ones I'd never seriously questioned before. And with each role or appointment I'd given him, at the beginning of our relationship, such as co-adventurer, co-wonderer of new possibilities, co-goal setter toward growth and change, among the debris were the disappointments (where he'd disappointed himself from those roles). And as I looked at all that I had picked apart, what began to come to life was an intolerant part of me and it has stayed with me ever since, on an 'on call' basis. It is ready and waiting to stand up for me any time I need that part of myself to come to life. It will not allow me to tolerate anything depressing in my relationship. That's what was left afterwards, a part of me that had always been wanting to come to life, yet the people pleaser in me just wouldn't let it.

What almost every depression I've faced has had in common has involved a disintegration of beliefs and a new facet of me coming to life. On the quest toward meeting with a new facet of self or one that needs to come back to life, there can be so many questions and that is how you know you're on a quest. What are my triggers? Why do I feel so deeply? Why can't I manage to work this out? Why am I so sad? Why am I so angry? What are all my emotions really about? Why can't I get along with everyone? On and on it goes as it all unfolds towards mind altering and life changing revelations. Wondering if you've ever researched 'The dark night of the soul'.