Things that live in my head rent free...

[GreenGuy]

In summary:

A lot of bad stuff happened in my life. Bad stuff is still happening. My upbringing and my attitude has turned me into a cynical, bitter man. I hate been this way. It would be liberating if all these thoughts, these memories would just disappear. But I need to find some way to accept it and move on. To not beat myself  myself up every time I'm forced to turn the other cheek, or feel like a coward for not having been more assertive in the past. I don't want to be an old man and still be seething about something that happened in school for crying out loud! If anyone could offer some advice, it would be greatly appreciated.

Context:

- I am a 27 year old male (in case that has any relevance)
- Bullied almost every day from Kinder to Year 11. I was even belittled by some of my teachers. Dropped out of school for this reason.

- Constantly ridiculed and then back-stabbed by most of my so called friends.

- Spent my pre-teen years with a step-father who used to verbally abuse my mum. Almost became physical at one point.

- Came out of school riddled with depression and anxiety. Was forced to take anti-depressants. Things can only improve now, right?
- Nope

- 2015, forced out of our old unit by a new neighbour who threatened to physically assault me, and used his sons to intimidate us in our own home. Police did nothing besides give them a talking to.

- 2016-22, more neighborhood dramas transpire because Mum decided it would be a good idea to try and open up a dialogue with the next door neighbours about the noise they were making. It went about as well as I expected.

- Numerous police call outs, verbal abuse, vandalism, vicious rumours and a narrowly avoided brawl later, things are marginally better now since next door finally moved out. We still get glares and remarks from a couple of those who still reside in the complex. I still have a beef with this guy who keep putting rubbish in our letter box and staring me down every time I go out to walk my dog. He is the bane of my existence, but there is nothing I can reasonably do except to tolerate his nonsense, unfortunately.

[ABC01]

Dear GreenGuy,

 I am sorry to hear you are going through such a hard time and have been for quite some time. I can’t offer you a answer that would work like a light switch and can just be turned on. As someone who suffers from trauma too, all I can tell you, Is that if you are doing your best everyday,then that is enough. Others may have a more indepth answer for you.

Therapies like cbt(which helps change current behaviours) and act(helps with acceptance) can be helpful if done with a mental health professional,like a psychologist.

But depending on your headspace, you may not see as helpful.

We can’t control the world, only ourselves. So please look after yourself.

The positive is that we can always change. It takes time and alot of effort,but we can. So maybe you won’t feel cynical or bitter in the future.

You have been through alot,so it is okay to feel the way you do.

Keep talking. And please look after yourself.

ABC01

[GreenGuy]

Hi ABC01,

I'm glad I got someone who can relate.

The only thing that keeps me sane is to count my blessings and enjoy the little things while I have them.

My councilor has provided me tips and worksheets to read over, but it doesn't help that much, personally.

Those memories often creep back in. I suppose that's perfectly normal, but, its debilitating when it takes me out of focus from my everyday life, and all I can do is sit there and let it play out. Other times it's just like thunder radiating in the back of my mind. I think I just need to grow numb to it, for my own sake. To accept it, not hold grudges against people who hardly, if ever think about me anymore. To not give attention to people today who don't deserve it. Scars remain but they do fade, perhaps.

[ABC01]

Dear GreenGuy,

One thing my psychologist told me is “To not allow them to have the power to hurt me anymore then they have.”

I think you are right in how you said that they probably never think of you, however you hold onto the thought of them. People can be so fickle in the way that THEIR own priorities and problems rank up against yours. You may not even be on their radar. But that isn’t your problem. You can’t control them, how they act or what they do in the future.
Somewhere along the line, karma comes into play. You may not get to see it happen,but it will. And same to you. Good things will happen to you.

You said you have a dog. That is the greatest blessing. A life that needs your love and compassion. Protection and care. Living life to the fullest with your dog is a great privilege. Hold onto that.

It is okay to not understand worksheets and such. Sometimes it takes a person or several people to say the same thing to me,to have it finally resonate one day and make sense.

Scars do remain and they do fade over time,but they fade faster if we engage in things we enjoy and build skills emotionally to deal with familiar situations again.

If you feel like it,can you tell me anything you do enjoy?

I am always happy to listen.

ABC01

[GreenGuy]

- “To not allow them to have the power to hurt me anymore then they have.”

You hit the nail on the head.

In my mind it's "Man! I wish I did this instead!" or "If I ever see that guy again, I'd love to do this to him." I just start venting out of nowhere.

    I think things would not be as bad if it weren't for my annoying neighbour who I've had to put up with for the last 4 years. But the truth of the matter is, no matter where you go, there is always going to be that ONE GUY who is a miserable sap that wants to ruin your day. That's not what bothers me; its when you have to share a unit complex with that guy; a guy who believes some stupid rumour spread by our previous neighbour and now has it in for us. He had NO REASON to get involved in our disagreement, but just did so on a whim by smashing our porch light one night, denying it, then starts screaming obscenities at us when we call him out on it.

   Come on dude, you're a father of two in his 30's but still exhibit all the traits of a 12 year old punk that thinks four letter words and zipping around on a monkey bike with your kid is "cool".

I've considered that he hates me as much as I do him, he even said to someone "Ah, don't talk to them, they're (donkey rear ends)" So him dumping stuff in our letter box, glaring, muttering under his breath is just him seething. Well, that's his problem, not mine, I should think. In that way I'd be just like him, and that's a scary thought.

All I can do is get on with my day. Oh, retribution is tantalizing a thought, but foolish in reality.

[ABC01]

Dear GreenGuy,

I think YOU hit the nail on the head. You don't want to be just like him.

He sounds pretty immature and if he can't make up his own mind, instead of taking gossip, for gossips sake, then you don't need that in your life. If he is that ONE guy, then don't engage. Being the bigger person is sometimes hard, but in the long run, you will be glad that you did.

Shoulda,Coulda, Woulda's. The things you question or think about after the fact. None of those are going to change what HAS actually happened. They are like a debate topic you can't ever win. But we have them. It is natural. "I should of..." "I could of...." "I would of..." They are the same as "What if I...?"

If you can, try not to let them rile you up. Ground yourself or breathe.

Ever since the house sold next door, I have had neighbours too. One's who's dog barked all day long. One's who's dogs barked all dog long and they were are at home and did nothing to stop them. And One's who play doof doof music past noise laws times. That is something we can't control. A friendly chat is all you can do,then you can report them to who you need too. But you need to feel safe in reporting them. And in this crazy world, I am afraid of retribution. I have dogs and it is too easy to throw bait over the fence. Sooo, I can't control them,but I can control myself. And I believe in having read your posts, you can too. You sound levelheaded, but just need to vent. That is normal too.

ABC01