The day I lost my soul

[Guest_7403]

6 years ago today an event occurred that changed my life forever.

I went to work, and 18hours later when I finally walked out of that place I was never the same again.

Looking about at the person I was before it, and who I am today....I can only describe it as losing my soul, the guy I used to be ceased to exist.

I've lost so much, my home, my life, my drive and any sense of happiness or enjoyment in the short journey of life.

I'm resigned to the fact that I'm never coming back, no treatment, medication or self will can ever remove this pain I live with daily.

Everyone I know tells me that they believe in me, they believe I'm still inside and they believe that I can overcome this.

But they're wrong, the person I used to be could of overcome those things, im not that person anymore.

No one seems to understand, it's like my mind and soul left my body that day...but my body kept living.

There's no better life in the future, just more days of pain and suffering. I didn't ask for this to happen to me, im not a religious person but I find myself asking god did I do something in another life to deserve this punishment.

For someone whose job was to lock evil up to protect the innocent, I am now a prisoner inside my own mind. Yet, there is no key for this door and no one can hear me screaming to be let out.

I look forward to the day I see that light shine through the darkness and im finally at peace

I'm not at risk, it's just a very hard day for me.

[Guest_7403]

Another year has gone past since this horrible day.

I don't have anxiety or fear of my workplace anymore, and consistently work there without issues.

Its the cost of 2 families and friends from the aftermath and the lack of support, treatment and failure of many psychs to actually diagnose me with PTSD.

By the time I got my official diagnosis it had been 3 years, and most studies point to catching it early within 12 months for the best outcome.

Feel a bit like I was robbed of that opportunity to get on top of it before it became so ingrained in me.

Everyday I battle my mind, it's exhausting and an unenjoyable existence.

Made a comment at work Friday that it's been 7 years today. The response was oh well get over it.

Its to say when you weren't there I guess.

[Croix]

Dear Guest_7403~

"Just get over it" is one of the responses that really gets my goat, "why can't you just move on" is another. While I'll allow a few people might mean well however I've come to the conclusion in many cases it is just the person being able to sat ot themselves "Well, I've fixed that with sensible talk". No understanding, no effort, no kindness.

Sensible talk my foot!. It simply highlights the great distance between their understanding and my condition. That is in itself depressing.

You may be right about time to diagnosis. it was many years before I found I had PTSD to go wiht the suicidality, depression and anxiety. I'm still under treatment though now have recovered to the extent of having a pretty good life.

7 years sounds a very long time to still have to battle every day, though I'm please you can go to work wihtout too many issues. Going to work can be a real help. You may remember from previos talks I didn't have that option and wish I'd had.

I"m sorry about the families and freinds. Al I can say is try not to blame yourself for having recognizable symptoms (took me a fair while and still not 100%t here).

Croix

[Sophie_M]

Dear Guest_7403,

You've received a wonderful post from one of our very supportive and helpful community champions. We would like to compliment your strength and courage in writing your post.

We are glad to hear that you are doing better at work. We agree with Croix that other people cannot decide how you should be reacting to difficult situations.

We would like to encourage you to talk to your GP about the possibility of getting a mental health plan so you can work with a mental health specialist on your struggles. We would also like to encourage you to call the BeyondBlue Support Service on 1300 22 4636,or Lifeline on 13 1114, any time of the day or night, to discuss anything that is currently troubling you.

Warm regards,

Sophie M.
 

[Guest_7403]

Been seeing this lady for 12 months, I've done alot for her....replaced her toilet, bought her cooking appliances, paid for all our drinks, dinners, did her gardens back and front until they properly landscaped (hadn't been done in years)

She has 2 older kids 21 and 22, they live there but don't do much as do they're partners.

Shes quite a cold person, non affectionate and never has anything good to say about me.

We planned for me to finish my lease next month and move in there. We talked alot about it and it's what she wanted...so I notified agent I was not continuing past august.

We went out for her daughters bday in the city the other weekend. My partners behaviour whilst intoxicated was quite frankly embarrassing, disgusting and not something I'll tolerate. Aggressive to other guests, soiled herself instead of going to bathroom etc

I didn't speak to her for 2 days and messaged saying I'd like an apology for her behaviour and what I had to deal with....she called me a wimp and too sensitive and said she had nothing to apologise for, adding she doesn't need to listen to me, move on, your blocked.

12 months and she behaves embarrassingly whilst out and instead of apologising just blocks me. Its been 10 days and no reply to anything.....I just don't understand wemon....I did nothing wrong and now I'm not sure where to go.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Guest_7403,

It can often be difficult when we start realising the mental perception we have of someone doesn't match the reality of how the person presents themself in certain situations. When this occurs, it often can become necessary to ask ourself:

Am I willing to spend my personal time, energy, and self on this situation? Are the positives worth the frustrations?

We understand that this can become especially difficult to consider after we have made a strong emotional commitment. At this point, it can be quite helpful to talk with someone who doesn't have an agenda. We would like to encourage you to talk to your GP or a mental health professional.

You are always welcome to call BeyondBlue Support Service on 1300 22 4636. Their mental health specialists are available 24 hours per day, every day of the year.

Warm regards,

Sophie M.
 

[Croix]

Dear Guest_7403~
I hope you can retrieve your lease without hassle.
When I read the things you have done for this person they can in some ways seem a reasonable set of things to do (except pay all the drinks and dinners) as they can be the start of a long term loving relationship. where both people make equal efforts in their own way.
I did much the same thing myself 25 years ago when coming together wiht my wife.
The problem as Sophie says, is your (very reasonable) expectations are not met. Your have already pointed out some of the signs that appeared along the way "cold person, non affectionate and never has anything good to say about me."
The reaction of my future wife was very different, affectionate, tried to do things for me and full of praise.
Neither of us knew at the start how things would pan out, it was a question of seeing how things went.
I was lucky and sadly you were not - this itme.
I guess it is not so much a lack of understanding women, but understanding human nature and types of people. I would imaging with your past life you would have had a fair degree of experience in that . It is just people seem to have a blind spot where close relationships are concerned.
Frankly this person sounds the worst sort of unfeeling user. It may be her own past has made her that way, however the reason is immaterial, you have been used, hurt and taken advantage of. This is not a reflection on you, who is a pretty decent human being, but on her, who is not.
Croix

[blues23]

Hi Guest

I read your post and I just wanted to say how sorry I am for what you are going thru . Life is hard at times really hard . Can u find a new outlet in life ? A way to find enjoyment outside of your job ? ( take some leave & go on holiday ) or perhaps have a total career change then u might be free and happy , have you asked for help from family ? Do u have any hobbies outside of ur job ? Or what caused u to feel u lost ur soul ? U don’t seem to me like u lost your soul but feel an awful amount of pain for what you have seen & been thru . To loose your soul is to not feel and I don’t see that in anything you have written I see your a lost and been thru a lot.

[Guest_7403]

People keep saying this to me, how good a person I am, it's just bad luck etc....I can't help but think that's simply not the case....I have dated alot of wemon in life, short flings, longer...one night stands....none have ever truly loved me...they must see something in me.

Another thing I'm struggling with....this latest woman has two dogs, a 10 and 7 yo staffies. 

The 10yo was very malnourished, his fur had fallen out, open wounds on his ears and paws. He also has a nerve condition thats worsening, he struggles to walk and falls over constantly. About 5 weeks ago she told me she was gonna put him down and she's tired of him doing business in the house and ppl being embarrassed by his appearance.

I have dogs myself, I love dogs....and I told her I'll take him for a bit as I'm more tolerant and give him some tlc.

So I've been feeding him quality food, medicated baths, prescription lotions and his skin has cleared up, coats coming back through. His nerve issue will never go away and eventually he won't be able to walk, but atm he's eating, doing his business and gives me no trouble at all.

After she blocked me, I spoke to friends and they said I should give him back as it's not my dog, and quite frankly I can't afford him long term...I have 2 large dogs and a cat already.

I reached out to her via text and email as I know she gets them still a couple of times, stating that I'm not really not financially able to take him on and that ultimately if her decision is to put him down then i can't stop that.

She never responded once....shes abandoned him and I simply don't have the heart to surrender him or put him down myself, just cutting back on myself atm to make it work.

I don't understand how a loving family dog can be discarded after 10 loyal years...it brings me to tears thinking about it.

He is loved here and will be comfortable till that time comes.

She always claimed to be this loving dog owner, but only ever treated him like an inconvenience.

I think I always knew she wasn't a good person, but I was blinded by not wanting to be alone again

[Croix]

Dear Guest_7403~

People probably say you are a good person becuse you are. It can be that simple. (it can also make you attractive to the wrong sort as well as the right of course)

As for all those relationships, yes of course it does indicate you may have other factors making the  choice, as you say you had a good idea of this person, but did not want to be alone again.

Loneliness does indeed blind a person , as does wanting osmething badly.

You know these things already.

There may be other factors, that of comfort and familiarity - and self esteem. Approaching someone and starting a relationship may, if it is the same sort of person underneath, can seem easy, or at least comfortable. It is not alien territory - if that makes any sense.

While you appear strong in a lot of ways I now in my own case PTSD and all the rest did lead me to believe things were due my inadequacy, and maybe I did not try for the best as a result.

I dunno if you have a similar outlook.

Of course each broken relationship reinforces this, it wold mine too.

I've no real suggestions, I'm sure you have had more than enough. I do know when I was looking for someone I found they had a dog but just let it roam the streets -I dropped her straight away.

Which brings up the problem of the dog. Did you realy want him to go back to her, as no doublet the neglect would start again.

If you can't keep him -and that's understandable with 2 plus a cat already, then yes putting him down is an option, however maybe try to find an owner first?  There are people that do take rescue dogs and do a fair bit of good.

I had a a close friend  who passed away a couple of years ago, she took on hopeless cases and often gave the the best part of thier lives -even if short. She benefited too.

Do you mind if I ask what sort of dogs you have -no need ot reply of course unless you want, I'm just trying to picture them.

Croix

Croix

[Guest_7403]

I don't feel like anything for this woman, I was upset a week ago but now I barely think about her, not in a meaningful way at least, more in a confused way as too what rationale someone has of ghosting someone after 12 months and abandoning a family dog. To me it's very strange. I know this woman has been through alot of DV and stated she worked hard over the last 4 years and is cured of her "ptsd". I would dare say me and you both know that it isn't curable only manageable.

I agree with you, I too feel like I am a flawed person and somehow you do not deserve better because I suffer this illness....its something I doubt I will ever shake no matter how positive I try to be.

I have a 6yo white American staffy and a 12yo tri colour kelpie, both rescue dogs as I believe in saving the life of an animal that otherwise may be put to sleep through no fault of its own.

I wouldn't give up this old either, he causes me issues and he's very loving...I can sense he feels wanted and loved here, he's family now unless she comes for him.

Dogs are beautiful animals. I try to remind myself to be like them, loving, loyal, forgiving and always there.